Restoration Project - I Am Loved

With this title I could talk for days. The ways God has shown me that I am loved is countless. I just can't measure it. It's in the little things. It's in the big things. But I wanted to share specifically what God had drawn me to about a month ago.

Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress....

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light;

on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.

You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy.

They rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest....

The zeal of the Lord almighty will accomplish this. - Isaiah 9

If you were to hang around me long enough you would discover that I get really excited about "researching." It could be what is the absolute best new place we need to try for dinner or where to take a weekend trip and most recently finding the deeper meaning in scripture.

I came across this scripture on the same day I prayed for Peace to Resistance and also the day I further applied my life to sowing seed to bear fruit (which may be a post in the future... there's so much there I'm still unearthing it all... hehe, did you see what I did there?) I digress. This is important because this scripture says that I am going to rejoice before my God as people rejoice when harvest has come around.

I don't know a lot about farming. I know I love my local farmer. I love farmers markets. I love fresh produce. Especially tomatoes and garlic and basil... I know that harvest can also be applied to the time to pick grapes for wine and delicious grape jelly. I have been blessed to be able to do this with friends. Let me tell you, it was so much fun. I may have climbed a wall and scaled a tree to get a cluster of grapes. I might have got a little excited. The point is, I know harvest time is exciting. It is when you get to see the seeds you've planted bear fruit. It is a happy time.

God is promising here that the people who were in distress will be removed from their gloom and instead given something to rejoice about. How? The zeal of the Lord almighty will accomplish this. 

So then I wondered, do I really know what zeal means? What is the definition?

Zeal is the fervor or tireless devotion for a person, cause, or ideal and determination in its furtherance; diligent enthusiasm; powerful interest. Synonyms are intensity and passion. 

Sounds like the God I've been coming to know.

I found a definition from a catholic dictionary, "The vehement movement of one who loves to secure the object of his love. In it's religious sense it is applied solely to the zeal inspired by the love of God, to the ardent endeavors and works under taken to promote His glory."

I looked up the word vehement. I'll be honest, I didn't know the definition of this one whatsoever.

Vehement: Forceful energy, powerful, intensely emotional. Deeply felt. Forcibly expressed. Passionate.

See any familiar words? How about powerful and passionate.

This is our God. God's love for me and you is passionate, "a tireless devotion." I believe the definition from the catholic dictionary was referring more to the actions of His followers. But we have to remember that we love because He first loved us. God is love. So if we are actively pursuing others into this relationship with Christ it's because He inspired us to. We are mimicking the character of our Lord. I know He moves to secure us, the object of His love.

I just love hearing about God's intense love. (That's a lot of love!) I enjoy it so much I forget that there's promise for reaping here. That harvest is coming. My prayers and actions I've been planting are going to sprout of some glorious blessings. Not because of the work that I've done, but because of God's powerful love for me.

During this love fest I came across this scripture. (I told you, God was talking to me, it was all I could do to take notes fast and accurately).

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. - 2 Corinthians 9:10

I think this is amazing. Simply because of his vehement love for us! He gives more than I can even think to ask for. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. - Ephesians 3:20

Hopefully you are as excited as me. This is incredible. God loves us so much that anything we ask or pray for He will increase simply because He loves to bless us! Because He's passionately chasing after us trying to secure our love. A love that is secure does not go anywhere. Something that is secure holds strong even when it is shaken. He longs to strengthen us spiritually. He wants to see us succeed. He has a determination in our furtherance. So He blesses us abundantly more than we can dream so that we know that we are His and there's no where better. Even during the waiting season. Even when the rain isn't coming and it looks like there's not a chance this will be the year. Because of His generous blessings in the past we will have faith to hold on. We are secure.

Photo Credit: incourage.me

It just makes me smile so big. So truly blessed for His undeserving love. Even though I fail and even though I fail Him, He loves me with that same zeal that He loves me with when I get it right. None of us deserve it but He gives us all the same forgiveness and grace.

I am praying you see all the hope of promise here. No matter what your season may look like right now. If you are waiting, if the ground is parched and all seems impossible, remember who your God is. He is mightier than any and He is above all. He is promising you, right here, right now, that there is a season of blessings ahead. You are going to harvest far more than you prayerfully requested. He is going to amaze you. He loves you and He loves to bless you because of that crazy love. He is waiting until the perfect moment to sprout your harvest. Don't lose hope! A great light is coming.

Love,
S

Restoration Project - I Am Worthy [Peace to Resistance]

As I've mentioned throughout this blog, I am a giant work in progress. I came to God in a crumpled up mess. Broken pieces carried from years and years of pain. Crushed spirit from a recent relationship that did not work out at all how I anticipated it would. Messy, cluttered, broken, crushed.. you name it.

God has been compassionately picking up each piece of shattered me that was on the ground and has been putting them in place where He wants them. Recently I wrote about discovering that I am enough. Today I want to discuss about how He's been teaching me that I am worthy.

I suppose you could almost think these two go hand in hand. In a way they do. Since I didn't feel I was enough, I also felt like I wasn't worthy of a second chance. I didn't feel I deserved the good life I missed out on. These two thoughts were the major players in making me as broken as I was. It stemmed from years of pain that I pushed into the past that resurfaced when my hopes vanished in a fleeting moment that somehow seemed to stand still. Honestly, just talking about this pain has me feeling a little 'meh' right now. But trust me when I say, He's done an amazing restoration on me.

On Easter Sunday, I had A LOT on my mind. I prayed a ton and wrote in my journal even more. So grateful I did that because I am able to see where He has been diligently working to rebuild my life. On this day I felt prompted to pray for Peace to Resistance. I didn't even know what it meant and I admitted that to God while agreeing to pray anyway. So I prayed based on what I thought it meant. I didn't even know if it was peace 'to', 'from' or 'for'?! It didn't matter. I just prayed.

I prayed for healing in relationships with family and friends. I thought perhaps the resistance was a term referred to for letting go. A peace that comes from letting go of the urge to resist His plan and take matters into my own hands. I also prayed for the Lord to show me understanding. Because really, I had not a clue what this even meant, but it sure does sound nice, right? All I knew was, if God was prompting me to it then I needed it.

The next night it was still on my mind so I googled it. Let me say, not at all what I thought it meant! (Geez, my prayers must have gave Him a chuckle!)

What I found, thanks to Wikipedia, is that 'Peace to Resistance' refers to the best part or feature of something. "It can be thought of as the portion of a creation that 'resists' orthodox or common conventions and practices, thereby making the whole of the creation unique and special." 

I couldn't believe it. Here in front of my eyes God was speaking to me. He was whispering that I am worthy. I told you all how I cried feeling that I wasn't loved uniquely. This just spoke to me. Something that is a unique creation is certainly more valuable than a cookie-cutter mold, right? It's like God was telling me that I am a peace to resistance in His eyes. That His love for me is a unique and special creation because He created me to be unique and special.

The description goes on to say, "The phrase gives the sense that the referred to element is the most outstanding, notable, or defining of the collection." Most outstanding, notable ... the defining of the collection!? It just feels a little extreme. But I'm learning that's what God does. What's more noteworthy is the fact that I know He means it. Not because I am so sure of myself but because I am that sure of His love. This has nothing to do with me feeling this for my own courageous reasons (though, I wish I could say I did!) and everything to do with how He keeps showing me His love over and over.

As if that wasn't enough, it goes on to say, "The term is also used when someone is finishing something and calls the last piece to complete the build the pièce de résistance." How amazing. At this moment I truly believe He was telling me this is it. This is His work, He's the builder and He's going to give me that last piece that makes me worthy. I have prayed for Him to work in my life before moving into the next important phase of my life. I know this part is integral for my journey. This seals the deal and erases any questions. I am His and I am worthy of being loved not just by the Creator himself, but by others as well.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." - 2 Corinthians 4:7

A while back the pastor at church referred to the verse of the clay jars. He spoke about how the jars were cracked so that His light that is inside of us can shine outward for others to see.

That's how others can come to know Jesus. I loved that. That through my brokenness someone else can see Jesus. That's kind of the whole point. It's what I've spoke about here and here. That's what I've wanted out of all of this, if nothing else.

“Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will give you light.” - Ephesians 5:14

Then I heard another pastor speak of a Japanese art form and thought how beautifully it ties this all together. "When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." -Billie Mobaved. The name for this art is Kintsugi (Literally, the Art of Broken Pieces). Another translation says it is the 'Meaning of Mending'.

The process of Kintsugi welds broken pieces of ceramics back together with gold. Instead of throwing these once cherish possessions away, they are repaired with one of the worlds most precious metals. At first glance it's so bizarre - that they would fix the cracks not only with something so precious, but also something so visible. I don't know about you, but I don't like people to see all my cracks. I further more don't need others to see what's been repaired. (Although, perhaps that all went out the window the day I signed up for a blog). However, I adore that there is visible beauty in the broken with this art form.

Photo Credits: theflyingtortoise.blogspot.com

How can we not draw a correlation to God's work in our lives from Kintsugi? We all have a wound that we don't want to share, a part of us that we know is broken, but why would we ever want to broadcast that? God sees those broken pieces. He will work on us regardless of if we ask for His help or not. But when we do finally ask for His help, He repairs us with gold. He takes the broken pieces, puts us together and then puts us on display for His glory. God is the gold here. He is what holds us together and makes us beautiful and worthy.

What's also great is these restored pieces hold more value than the original version of itself. It's been said some people break pieces intentionally so they will be worth more. Now, I can't imagine wanting to be broken just so I can be repaired, but it is amazing how we can become more valuable once we've allowed Him to put us together. Piece by piece.

Another great thought is that no two cracks are the same, therefore all pieces are put together differently. "Thereby making the whole of the creation unique and special." I love that some ceramics have a lot of repairs and others have just a few that are deeper and require more gold in places. Just like us.

I loved how this blog described it. "As a philosophy Kintsugi can be seen to have similarities to the Japanese philosophy of Wabi-Sabi, an embracing of the flawed or imperfect. Perfection being seen as the result of imperfection. The damaged or flawed being honored as an essential in enhancing an object."

Perhaps why I was broken in the first place was so God could show me how wonderful it is to let Him fix me. So that I could see that this is what makes me beautiful. To embrace my brokenness. This restoration alone makes me worthy and it's this brokenness that increases my value. Truth is, we're all broken. Whether we admit it, talk to anyone about it, or just hide it, maybe even from ourselves. We each have something that needs God's mighty hands to fix. I think knowing how wonderful His results are will leave me more humble and graciously open to accepting His help. Admitting I can't piece these broken parts back together myself. Honestly, I couldn't even find where the pieces fit if I tried (Of course, I've tried). But He knows where it all goes because He is the one who made me. He completes me and makes me the unique and special creation He intended me to be. He puts me on display and thinks I'm beautiful. He believes I am worthy of more than sitting in the ashes of my broken pieces. He not only restores me but adds value to my life at the same time.

It's important to remember that this message is not only for me. This message is for anyone who needs to hear that you are worthy of God's love. I am just His clay vessel, here to deliver the glorious light of Jesus himself. I pray this revelation will also help you come know how loved and valuable you are in the eyes of our Savior.

Love,
S

Restoration Project - I Am Enough

A friend sent me a text message today. One that I'm sure the devil meant to stop me in my tracks. I've already struggled this morning, feeling in a funk. I don't know why I get in these moods. Something about the weather being just right, the day opening up itself to plans just so, and the chatter of others that throws me off. Everyone's seamlessly easy joy against myself grasping at straws to count the blessings in any mundane thing.

I know this is part of the reason why He is working on my heart. One of the things that I NEED to learn is that I am enough. In the past I have allowed the discredit of myself to be what I believe. It felt right after all. A broken relationship here, turned down for a job offer there, missing invitations, friends who are too busy, others who forget I needed their help or just never offered... I mean, seriously, I could go on forever. It all just made me feel like I was the problem. I wasn't enough. 

I wasn't pretty enough. Smart enough. Nice enough. Religious enough. Caring enough. Skinny enough. Talented enough. Motivated enough. Funny enough. Generous enough.

Then it moves into other things. I don't have a lot of money. I don't have the perfect family. I don't have many good friends. My house is always a mess. I talk too much. I'm too sensitive. I'm not a great cook.

I have had very few people who have stood opposed to the claims I made against myself. When I was devastated and I spoke badly about myself and listed any of these above reasons as to why I was struggling, there weren't objections. Instead there were suggestions of things that I should do better or differently. A boss said something the other day that fits so perfectly here, "They are committing with their silence." If no one spoke up against me, I figured it must be true.

But that's not true of who we are. Whether other people agree or not, should not matter. God says we are enough. He wants us to know that - it's important that we do.

I never want to be overly confident. I think that's sometimes part of what holds me back. I despised the kids in school who were too cool. The people at work who snub their noses at me as they walk by as if it say they're better. There are spots in my life, I'm not sure I'll ever be confident. But when it comes to my core being, the person that I am deep down, I know that I am enough. No one is perfect. Every relationship will require work. Everybody goes through highs and lows and just because you are with someone in a low is not a reason to give up. I know these things now. I know I am worth fighting for, because I am enough. He has shown me over and over how I am pretty enough. Smart enough. Nice enough. Religious enough. Caring enough...etc... I know He'll continue to show me.

Beth Moore shared a quote she heard from a celebrity going through divorce. They said "I'm afraid I'm going to get to the end of my life and discover I really was not worth loving."

Oh man. This gets me every time I hear it. I can relate like crazy. But we need to remember, together, that we are enough. Beth Moore goes on to say, "What would it take to believe God's word?" That's all we need to do. Believe Him. If we receive Him into our hearts and believe that His word is true then we can be transformed into believing the truth that we are enough.

The text message I received from my friend was a picture of an ex's fiance and their new baby. The first guy who told me he didn't want a relationship. But not the last guy to have done it. Over and over I've heard the same lie. Over and over I believed that it's because I was lacking some awesome girlfriend quality that guys are looking for. Assuming it could be any or all of the inadequacies that I listed above. If I can't secure myself in who I am through Christ, then this could be devastating. It's only going to keep happening. I need to be able to prepare my old broken heart as well as the most recent. Though this text did catch me completely off guard, I am not going to let it take root with my emotions. I know it won't always be that easy. There's going to be things that I hear and see that will probably bring me to my knees, I can't even bare the thought of some of those things. But for now, I'll stay off Facebook and stay onto God.

In a recent twitter chat Sara answered a question from a fan who wanted advice on an aspiring music career. Her response was,

"Be yourself and believe it's enough."

This can be applied to all of us, no matter what we are trying to do. We don't need to change the person we are to fit into what others may be looking for. If someone or something warrants you changing your core being in a negative way then it's worth it to walk away, no matter how painful. We are all enough. We just have to believe it.

I told you all in a previous post that I love the book Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. This book is amazing for figuring out this journey of life, the highs and lows, and discovering who God is through it all. I very much recommend it, I've got the entire thing bookmarked with sweet little reminders so I can easily turn to them.

"Love is beautiful, but it is also terrible - terrible in it's determination to allow nothing blemished or unworthy to remain in the beloved." When she remembered this, Much-Afraid thought with a little shiver in her heart, "He will never be content until he makes me what he is determined that I ought to be." 

God does not intend us to believe we are anything but perfect in His eyes. As Much-Afraid knew, God would not be content until we are who He has determined we should be.

A bible study I attended Sunday night posed the question, "What has to happen in our lives to change our hearts?" This is what you and I need to think about now. If you feel you are not enough, I am praying for you. I am praying that you will ask God to change your life, heart, and mind. Because you, sweet friend, are amazing. You are enough and you are more than enough in the arms of our Savior. Remember He loves to use to weak to lead the strong. There are so many amazing examples in the bible of people who were not qualified for God's calling, but He called them anyways. God wants to develop relationships with us, to grow and strengthen us. Turn to Him and trust that you are enough.

You have been made complete in Christ. Colossians 2:10

Love,
S 

Restoration Project - Planting

In one of my recent journal entries I wrote "If God is collecting my tears, He's going to need a bigger jar." This pretty much sums up my past few weeks. I've cried some really ugly tears... but in the ugly mess of my brokenness there's been so much healing too. Right now it feels like a spiritual battle in my heart & mind. I am trying to let His truth become my truth and trying to cast out all the lies that began taking root a long time ago and have spread.

It reminds me of 'The Parable of the Weeds'; In this parable the enemy comes at night and sows weeds along with a man's good seed that he's planted. When he awakes he finds that weeds have been mixed in with his good harvest. I've had some pretty amazing things planted in my heart...but the thing is, it's mixed in with the weeds that have been there taking root. Some days I receive such a hope of promise and then the next morning I wake up feeling defeated because of a dream I had (or sometimes for no reason that I can recall at all). So where does it come from?

"The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?' 'An enemy did this,' he replied. -Matthew 13:27-28

Yup, while I'm sleeping, when 'it's dark' or I'm not guarding my heart, the enemy comes and plants the weeds. I have had some thoughts come to me lately that I have NEVER considered and it's just so frustrating. I've been speaking God's word against them, I'm happy to say that in this moment I can't recall the specific examples and I am so thankful for that.

Once God's word is firmly planted in my heart I know I'll be able to rip out the weeds so much easier. I just need time to let His love grow in my heart. So this way I can tell the difference between lies and truth without a shadow of doubt. Some days are sunnier than others. But I think just like anything else that's planted, I need the rain as much as I need the sun. It's rained a lot lately, heavy tears have watered God's word for growing. Like the trees that bloom flowers before exploding into bright green trees, I know I'm on the verge of a spiritual breakthrough.

One of the things I wrote recently; "What hurts more than the death of the dream is the sacrifice I've made with my hope. I hung onto that hope and belief. I believed like a crazy person that I would see restoration in this situation. The vision that I believed was from God is now a fraud. Simply too much to bear."

Yet, I need to remember that my feelings are not always truth. That just because something feels too far gone doesn't mean it is. With God all things are possible. I'm in this season for a reason and I'm learning every day that I still have so much to learn. So I'm pressing into his word. I'm digging in to find the deeper meaning. Instead of skimming the top of many scriptures I am trying to dig in to a few. What I have found is that they've been so vital in my dependence on Him.

Last week I had a tough drive into work. I really don't think I should have been driving but by the grace of God, He got me there safely. When I pulled into the lot I sat there for a minute even though I was running late. I said to God that at least I can say I tried. At least I know that as soon as I saw a need for improvement I put in all the effort I could, in as many different ways as I could, to make things work. I realize at this point it's completely out of my hands. I'm okay with that because I did what I could do. Now it's up to what God can do. What a beautiful way to have to surrender. In the meantime, I will just keep praying. Just keep looking for healing that comes from no one else but God himself. Though, I can't say I felt instant relief, I feel I have reached the turning point. The part of this journey where I really learn to live by faith in Him alone.

"Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God who is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 Corinthians 9:6-8

I have sowed my prayers, tears, and His promises. I have given all that I felt I was called to give. I have done what I felt God placed it in my heart to do and say. Now I wait to see what will grow. I have decided to give all that remains, however I can and where I can, to God. I pray in this season that this promise is fulfilled for the first of many times to come. So that in all things and at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work.

You know what? I think it's going to be a beautiful garden.

Love,
S

Restoration Project - Purpose

You know, I never felt I needed a purpose until I came to Christ. I was happy to finally be out of retail and was quite content to spend many more years where I am now. Working Monday through Friday, weekends and holidays off. Really, this was the dream. [I'm not kidding either, ask any of my friends. This was the #1 goal!] I was ready to enjoy life as it's meant to be enjoyed.

Well, since coming to Christ I realize that I want more purpose than that. Somewhere between self worth and a want to be important I had this strong desire to find out what my calling was. I've been searching myself and some pretty crazy dreams have manifested on my heart. Things I would not have felt competent, nevermind daring enough, to even think about in the past. Yet now I have these crazy ideas on my heart and in my head and I'm praying that at some point in my life they become more than just a dream. It's big.

Obviously, when I was trying to discover my purpose I had to consider what it is that I like love doing and what is it that I could do to help build the kingdom. I want this to be my new purpose. To help others realize there's hope. Life has so much to offer besides living in despair, if only we can open our hearts to the healing. I love to do things for people. I love putting together special gifts, birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries... I put so much thought into it that I tend to run out of time quicker than I run out of ideas. I love to help. I love listening and to talking to people. I love to encourage others whether in a blog forum or out on a race course. I love to journal and I love to read. Right now this is the love that has given me the most purpose. I know one day I will be able to find purpose in my other joys as well. I can't wait to see how those plans lay out.

I started this blog a month ago on March 22. Since then I have written 11 posts. Just tonight I surpassed 1100 pageviews. I know to some this is a daily, heck, maybe even hourly stat...but I find that absolutely amazing. I wasn't even sure if I was going to reach anyone. In a way it was more an outlet for me to speak about what I was learning. I figured maybe a few people might read it and find encouragement for tough times. I have vowed to be honest and prayed that through this blog someone may one day find hope in my journey. I know this isn't going to happen overnight and I'm kind of glad in a way. Because nothing happens overnight. Prayer takes time to develop into blessings. But I believe. I really truly do, that one day those who have been following my journey will rejoice with me on the mountaintops!

Before I had even hit 100 views I started to think maybe I was meant to share his gospel through my writing. I have never been a good writer according to academic grades but something feels so real when I am sharing my heart in these posts. [So please forgive me if my commas are in the wrong place and my sentences run on.]

I had been praying about this. I didn't ask for confirmation outright but God knows our hearts. Literally, He started talking to me on Easter Sunday and has not stopped since. I have actually numbered the pages in my journal and have been referencing back and forth whenever I find another piece of information that coincides beautifully with what He's been telling me.

Part of this discovery also meant finding my worth, discovering His love, and learning to trust again. There's a lot going on right now. I share this tidbit because the questions and answers have blended together and I don't think I could even explain it unless I typed out my journal verbatim. I hope I can organize the beauty of it all so you can see what I mean through my posts to come.

Here's a snippet of what I wrote in my journal on Easter Sunday and then what I immediately and literally opened my bible to:

"One of the things I realized today was my purpose to reach people through my writing. Maybe I'm in this darkness because someone else needs the comfort of my words in this time. Maybe He wants everyone to reach the point where they see His glory through my works."

"This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lords people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. Because of the service by which you have proved yourself(s), others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" ~2 Corinthians 9:12-15

Seriously. Two weeks ago I was upset because I didn't feel special or loved individually by God. He showed up here and not only confirmed that He chooses us for specific purposes but He also reinforced my hope for this blog and so much more. This is spot on. Even at the end, "And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you." I have been so blessed these past few weeks to have heard from some of you who have said you were praying for me. This is just remarkable. I know blogging didn't exist back then but it feels like that statement was written from Paul specifically to me.

Oh, I have so much more to share but I wanted to tell you just how hooked He has me. I keep praying one day I will have more time to spend buried in the pages of His word.

Love,
S

Restoration Project - Rejection

Rejection. The only thing that stings more than hearing the word is feeling the word. Living through it and learning how to cope when what you hope for is denied.

We've all felt some kind of rejection in this life. Failed relationships. The times that you are trying to make it work but it's a two part effort and you're the only one making an effort. Friends that have time for everyone and everything else but you. Plans that wait for a busy schedule to clear while other things fill in ahead of you. Unanswered phone calls, texts, emails - your hope hanging on a line.

These things all scream some pretty nasty words at us. You're not important. If you meant anything then it wouldn't be this way. You can make all the time for someone but that's not going to be reciprocated. Obviously you don't get it. You're stupid to keep trying. Stop trying, it's never going to make a difference. Different nasty words and thoughts, yet they all boil down to the same thing. Rejection.

It feels like I was born into rejection. I was rejected by my parents. Rejected by best friends. Rejected from schools and jobs. Rejected from relationships. Rejected by the people I've trusted the most. Honestly. Some days a girl just wants to give up. 

Rejection takes on many faces. It may not be outright, obvious rejection. In fact, most of the rejection I've ever faced has been subliminal. It's in the words and actions people express. Sometimes in the words and actions people don't express. Maybe I'm the only one, but my mind is constantly in overdrive. I analyze everything. Every word that is said or not said. Everything has a double meaning. There's what you say on the outside and there's the truth that hides behind it.

I'm so busy right now I can't make time for you. I need to look into it so I can find a reason to say no. I wish there was someway I could help you but I don't want to commit to your mess. I'll pray about it because I don't want to go near that with a 10 foot pole.

There's also the rejection where things people say get your hopes up but they never have intentions of following through. I remember as a kid when my uncle would promise we'd go to the park or the zoo on the weekend. I would sit in the window, waiting and watching for him, and my dad would say "I don't know why you're waiting for him, he's not going to show." Dad was right 95% of the time. I've had friends who have said we need to hang out more often, but we never do. Promises of things that would be fulfilled in the future that never came to pass. One day we're going to go here. This summer we'll do this. Even simple plans for coffee or dinner "soon." Nothing that really requires much of an effort, yet the effort is never made.

Othertimes, there was that 5% where my uncle did show, restoring my faith that he does care and he will show the next time too. As a kid you don't get it, We had so much fun. It was such a great day. Why won't he come this time? Please tell me I'm not alone here. That there's moments with people we care about where it seems like there's a reason to hope, only for us to be let down again. I guess as an adult I don't get it either. 

Then there's the really nasty stuff. Where people bring God into the picture as if it's a means to free them from living out any obligation to help, listen, care. You can hear the things they don't say loud and clear; God loves you so I don't have too. God has a plan for your life and it doesn't involve me or the person you are praying for. You should pray about it and let God come up with a solution to your problems. One day God is going to do big things because I don't believe there's hope for you in this situation. There's something better for you or that's what I'll say because I don't believe God is going to bless you this time.

My least favorite are the ones that are deliberate and outright that I've misunderstood God speaking to me. Let me be clear, this is the most sensitive spot in my heart. I have learned to be very careful about what I say and to who because it's had a way of coming back and being used against me and out of context. Specifically, if I share a dream or thought I have, that I believe was placed on me from God, it's extremely insulting to hear others reject those thoughts. This comes from believers and non-believers. What if it doesn't turn out the way you believed God said it would? Sometimes what you believe God has for you is not really what He's going to give to you. It's happened to me so many times. I think you need to let go of that hope. You're never going to be happy with this. I know you think you have it together but you don't. Maybe it's not God and it's just coincidence. If it was going to happen that way then it would have already. 

Lately it's just been unbearable. How is a girl supposed to find relief with this overwhelming world? There are days I just want to leave this planet. Be done with it. Let God say I've finally got it right and call me home.

What I want most is hope. I want someone to be on my side. I want to believe that someone out there cares enough so much about me that they don't would never leave me hanging when I need it the most. I want to know I have someone to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on. I want to be able to express what's bothering me without having to apologize for it. To know that they truly want me to share what concerns me because they love me that much.

Thank God that Jesus became flesh and took on the pains of this world. If there's one overwhelming emotion He dealt with it was rejection. His own people rejected Him. His friends betrayed Him. His family didn't believe Him. Even the people of today, who know He wasn't bluffing after all, still reject Him. In death He still can't catch a break from rejection. I can't imagine the pain of rejection He must have felt, knowing He was going to die for the very people who were crucifying Him. That He was giving His life on the hopes that they would change their ways and be saved for an eternity. What kind of guy does this?

Lord, even when I have trouble all around me, you will keep me alive. When my enemies are angry, you will reach down and save me by your power. ~Psalm 138:7

So how do I cope? I start by turning to my Savior. The one who became flesh to take on rejection so that I could be saved. The things I cry out for in this world, Jesus has become for me. Instead of ridiculing my hope, He encourages my hope and reminds me that "All things with God are possible." He promises to always be with me and to never leave or forsake me. He not only vows to never leave but pursues me when I'm the one walking away. What undeserving grace I have. To be pursued by the King, who died for my sins, who runs after me even if I've become so weary that I declare to just give up. "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust in me." I know I can cry on His shoulder because I've already been there. He wants to offer compassion when I'm hurting.

"I love you with a love that will last forever." ~Jeremiah 31:3

There are days that I grieve because I cannot physically see or touch Jesus. I long to know Him in human form the way the disciples did. There are days I wish I could call Him up and ask if He'd like to get a coffee and sit and watch the waves with me. To stay up late conversing about His plans and our future. To laugh, cry, rejoice, grieve and dance with Him. I want to see His face. To know when He's happy. To see Him stand up against that which hurts me. To know when He's proud of how far I've come. To hear His voice as He says He will never leave me. I ache for the day that I can follow Him forever. To never leave His side. To praise Him and love Him like He has done for me. Until that day I seek Him. He will provide what I need. He will sustain me by bringing people into my life who are going to support, encourage and love me. I've seen quite the demonstration of this lately and one day soon I'll share some of the amazing things He's already done.

The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you. ~Zephaniah 3:17

Love,
S


As a side bar; I know there are friends and family that will read this post and object to my viewpoint. There will be people who want to reply to this message. I am not posting this because I am asking for you to do anything different. This post is not about anyone or anything specific but an overall feeling that begs to be reconstructed by the grace of God. I know I'm loved. I know I have people out there who I can trust and turn to. Please respect my decision to share this message even if you don't agree.

Restoration Project - Overcoming Fear

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you." Ezekial 36:26

Walking in God’s promises really is life changing. There's so many aspects of my heart that have been transformed into something new and I hope to share as much of that as possible in the future. One of the struggles I have had to overcome was my intense sense of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear that screams "You're 31 and single!" - "All your friends are married and now having children!" - "When will you find the career path that's right for you?" - "When are you going to do something with your life?" Crazy, intense, fear.

It's easy to look at the way things panned out. See the mistakes I made highlighted as if made for a blooper reel that is stuck on repeat. It's even easier to believe that the things of the past have total control over what the future holds. But that was the old heart. That was before I found out the Truth.

Even though you may not realize it, God is using this pain for good. James 1:2 tells us “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds.” Because of this statement friends, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God” Romans 8:28.

You might ask how I could even rely on this as my hope? How these simple scriptures can change an outlook. If you are, then I’m glad, because this is the point I’m trying to get to. Even before I was a follower of Jesus, I always believed that everything happened for a reason. Without a doubt in my mind I could always look back and see how the pieces fit and why certain things had to happen the way they did. What my Savior has shown me is that I can also look ahead to see how the pieces will fit. He may or may not show me His plan, most of the time it will still be unknown. But we know that He works all things together for our good. We know that He’s seen our steps and already walked with us down every path before we even set out to walk.

Because of this fact we can consider it pure joy when facing our trials in this life, knowing that there is a purpose. That everything happens for a reason. Knowing that God is not only walking with us, but that he paved the way before us. He also promises that because of our pain He will bless us.

It’s in these trials He has given me this new promised heart and spirit. It hasn't been quick. Some days have been agonizingly slow and painful. Satan knows the Lord is working and so he will put any obstacle in my way to send me back to my former, comfortable self.

It is a blessing to say that I finally feel I’m over the breaking point. I wish I could give specifics that could show you just how my heart has been transformed. Having a new heart changes your attitude, it changes your reactions, it changes your thoughts, it changes your emotions, it changes your outlook, it changes your beliefs, and it changes you.

I've noticed a significant change in the way that I handle stressful situations as opposed to my old self. In the past immediately anxiety would creep up, I would be overwhelmed, panicky, and sometimes start crying because I just “couldn't deal” with it. Now when a stressful situation arises I find that more often than not I go to God first. I give it to Him and try not to think about the things in the future that I cannot control. I approach the matter with more of a sense of calm. But most importantly, I approach the situation with a hope rather than defeat. That has made all the difference in the world.

A dear friend gave me a book she owned for years and read countless times. It’s called 'Hinds Feet on High Places.' It’s about a young girl named Much-Afraid who journeys into the wilderness to ascend a mountain to the highest place where her enemies cannot harm her. She is handicapped and has relatives whose last name is Fear. She takes this journey at the promise of the Shepherd who vows to take her to the high places, to remove her lameness and give her feet like deer. This book really is incredible if you haven’t read it, I recommend it. The story outlines the journey each of us takes in our own lives [it may not sound like it would, you'll just have to trust me].

I marked off a spot in this book that I believe speaks to how we should deal with the unknown future. When I’m dealing with a situation that I think will affect the course of my life I can’t help but think of the worst case scenarios. It’s just always been what I do. When you are accustomed to bad things happening you begin to expect them. So this is a command that I've really taken to heart and tried to apply as much as possible.

“Much-Afraid, don’t ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is.”

What does the Shepherd mean that we will walk with fear in a place where no fear is? It means there is no fear in God. To try to predict the potential destruction of our future robs us from our trust in God and leaves us alone to worry. We cannot be both fearful and trusting in God. It just doesn't work that way. It's like oil and vinegar. They do not mix well.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 God did not create us to have fear. This is man-made, learned behavior. Our past experiences taught us to fear the future ones. Friends and family who constantly worry helped develop our fear. Watch the news for a half hour and try not to be fearful or worrisome about something. But in God we do not have to be prisoners to fear. God has given us a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. 

Like Much-Afraid I’ve often predicted an alternative ending to how things actually happened. My imagination was always so much worse than how things turned out. Reminds me of lyrics from one of Sara's songs, "I miss the days that my mind would just rest quiet. My imagination hadn't turned on me yet." This is exactly what happens when our minds start racing. Our imaginations can literally destroy our hearts, allowing fear of the unknown to take over. Our “enemies” lurk everywhere waiting to grab hold of our earthly imagination. These enemies are not always people but can be situations, a bad diagnosis, an extremely low bank balance, talk of worldly affairs, and even someone else’s fear. We need to seek to get back to what we were born with. A mind that would just rest quiet.

I wanted to end with this well known quote from Franklin D Roosevelt's first inaugural speech;

"Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." 

Friends, this is powerful. If you've never stopped to think about this statement, do it with me now. The only thing to be fearful of is the fleshly nature to be fearful, which occurs when we take our eyes off of the Creator who is in control. This fear paralyzes us where we are. It stops us from advancing forward in our lives. It catches a hold on us and does not let us go.

This is one place that I've felt transformed. Where I've been given a “new spirit” along with my transformed heart. It is a diligent effort to not let my thoughts run wild instilling fear into my heart. How about you? If you are walking with fear, trembling and agony then it’s time to ask God for help. Let Him take away the fear. Let Him be your comforter and your restorer. Ask Him to allow your mind to just rest quiet so that you can advance into your future with hopeful expectation.

Love,
S