Just Wait

Just a brief little observation today, friends.

Lately I've been challenged by God to wait on Him. While there are obvious parts of my life I have applied this to, He's also surprised me with parts I didn't expect.

I'm beginning to learn how exciting it can be to wait on God. The bible says to ask, expecting that you will receive an answer. To wait and worry at the same time can be considered signs of a double minded person. You either trust that God is going to come through or you don't. If you trust, expect an answer.

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. - James 1:6-7

So we ask and believe we'll receive a response. God will answer. Don't believe me, start journaling. Write down the things you pray to God and go back and see how He has answered. If you're like me, you'll find sometimes you received answers and didn't even remember it had been a prayer request at all.

Doing this has really grown my faith. It's easy to "think" God hasn't responded. But when it's here, in your own writing, your request....and you sit here months later looking back at the things you asked, you can't deny the spots where He has answered.

But wait, there's more... (I crack myself up, does anyone else laugh at these cheese ball puns?!)

Not waiting for God robs Him of the opportunity to surprise you.

This is what I realized today. I couldn't help but marvel at how God would take something I've really struggled with and show me how it can apply to something simple and light hearted as well. If I expect God will come through for me and believe it no matter what, then there's no reason for me to move before He does.

I'm not denying that there are times you need to move. I believe God will make sure you are aware of it, too. I'm specifically talking about waiting. In every aspect of the word. Maybe it's waiting for a duration of time, waiting for an answer, waiting for a breakthrough. Since I have felt challenged to wait, He came through and showed me today how I can and should be able to apply that in everyday instances as well.

To wait expectantly on God ignites a sense of curiosity. It removes the need to be in control. I reached out to someone today who said they were actually going to reach out to me today as well. I just beat them to it. Had I been patient and waited, I would have been pleasantly surprised. God knows I doubt if people really think of me or if it's simply because I've jumped the gun and reached out to them first.

When you think about it, wouldn't it be exciting to just wait for God to orchestrate things? I know He's the professional, I'm just a clumsy stagehand. I want to see Him at work. I want to look at this beautiful production of life and know that it wasn't because I tried to make things work myself. Instead, it's because God is amazing at what He does.

I love surprises. I love knowing that someone took the time to put something together specifically with me in mind. Waiting on God let's Him surprise me. I'm not peeking under the gift wrap or shaking the box. I never liked trying to guess my gifts. I don't want to know. So why should life be any different? This life is a gift.

I know I have a tendency to be impatient. If things seem to be taking too long, I try to speed it up. If someone isn't getting back to me right away, I contact them again. If God "isn't doing anything", then I do something.

What I learned today is such a blessing. There's so much talk about the Lord doing work through you. Yet perhaps, when the Lord is telling you to be still and wait, it's because He wants to do something for you.

Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you;
And therefore He will be exalted - Isaiah 30:18

In order for God to receive glory, we need to stop moving ahead of Him.
Just be still and wait on the Lord.

Love,
S

The Flesh is Weak

Photo credit: Pinterest

"The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." It's what I heard in response to a question I posed to myself today. You see, I came across a journal I started in 2011. In it I purposed to write only positive things in an effort to change my life, outlook, perspective, etc. In fact, I was documenting all the things I deemed good, any and everything. Most know that's where we begin to count our blessings and apparently I knew it too.

At the beginning of the journal I wrote that "doing this will also help me have a better relationship with God, myself, my spirituality, my relationships with others and so on."

STOP THE PRESSES. You mean, 3 years ago I was right where I am now? Hmph. (or Ugh!) I don't even remember trying to press in fully. Sure, I remember reading along with some of the online bible studies and reading a devotional sometimes in the morning or at night, but I don't remember wanting to feel closer to God.

I couldn't help but ask myself, why didn't anything become of that pursuit? The answer? The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (by the way, that journal only had 11 days worth of documentation before I gave up. Need I say more?).

Oh man, this is the answer to so many things, isn't it? Why didn't I stick to a running routine? Why can't I go a day without something sweet? How can I be so yearning to seek God, yet so tired to put in the effort. Because I'm weak. Because even though I really want these things, I get in my own way. I let my tiredness interfere with my studying. I let my cravings overcome my willpower. I let my busy schedule get in the way of my consistent journaling.

You guys, something has to give. I feel like I've been put in quite a peculiar spot. I've prayed for friends and the ability to spend time with others, and He blessed me more than I imagined. My planner fills up each week with coffee dates and dinners. I'm not complaining, I'm so thankful to have met such amazing people. Yet, despite the answers to my prayers, I can't let that negatively affect my relationship with The One I've come to love more than anyone.

How am I going to do it? It's easy, because He tells me how.

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." - Matthew 26:41

It's that simple. I need to be mindful that it's easy to fall into a pattern of social busyness that distracts my individual growth. I need to pray to be delivered from my weakness to fall into temptation. It's easy to say yes to lots of plans, in fact, in my last post I told you I had vowed to say yes to new opportunities. I think it's easy to confuse my desire to follow Him with any invitation to get together with friends. I'm not going to stop, that's not the answer - but I need to carve out some quiet time, also. Somewhere away from my phone, laptop, television, people... and just reconnect. Not just right now but consistently.

This long weekend is the perfect opportunity to reestablish my relationship. I don't want to look back in another 3 years to find the things I've counted as blessings I have lost because I didn't respond when I knew it was what I needed. They say God will do anything to bring you closer to Him. I can see that clearly just in this one example. All the "things" I counted as blessings back in March of 2011 have been removed or changed in some way.

I know a lot of that is due to the way I felt. I documented each day that I didn't cry. Yet, had I learned to rely and trust on God then, I am fully confident that things would have been different. We know that the disciples were asked to keep watch while Jesus went away quietly to pray, we know that their inability to overcome their fleshly desires caused them to unsuccessfully do so.

I am taking this as a humble reminder that it's easy to lose the way from the path when we are comfortable. I know it's exactly what Satan wants. I know it's exactly what he's succeeded with before. I will keep my eyes open and cognitive. I will remain in prayer with The One who wants to be the first in my life. After all, I didn't just come all this way for myself.

Love,
S

Restoration Project - Planting

In one of my recent journal entries I wrote "If God is collecting my tears, He's going to need a bigger jar." This pretty much sums up my past few weeks. I've cried some really ugly tears... but in the ugly mess of my brokenness there's been so much healing too. Right now it feels like a spiritual battle in my heart & mind. I am trying to let His truth become my truth and trying to cast out all the lies that began taking root a long time ago and have spread.

It reminds me of 'The Parable of the Weeds'; In this parable the enemy comes at night and sows weeds along with a man's good seed that he's planted. When he awakes he finds that weeds have been mixed in with his good harvest. I've had some pretty amazing things planted in my heart...but the thing is, it's mixed in with the weeds that have been there taking root. Some days I receive such a hope of promise and then the next morning I wake up feeling defeated because of a dream I had (or sometimes for no reason that I can recall at all). So where does it come from?

"The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?' 'An enemy did this,' he replied. -Matthew 13:27-28

Yup, while I'm sleeping, when 'it's dark' or I'm not guarding my heart, the enemy comes and plants the weeds. I have had some thoughts come to me lately that I have NEVER considered and it's just so frustrating. I've been speaking God's word against them, I'm happy to say that in this moment I can't recall the specific examples and I am so thankful for that.

Once God's word is firmly planted in my heart I know I'll be able to rip out the weeds so much easier. I just need time to let His love grow in my heart. So this way I can tell the difference between lies and truth without a shadow of doubt. Some days are sunnier than others. But I think just like anything else that's planted, I need the rain as much as I need the sun. It's rained a lot lately, heavy tears have watered God's word for growing. Like the trees that bloom flowers before exploding into bright green trees, I know I'm on the verge of a spiritual breakthrough.

One of the things I wrote recently; "What hurts more than the death of the dream is the sacrifice I've made with my hope. I hung onto that hope and belief. I believed like a crazy person that I would see restoration in this situation. The vision that I believed was from God is now a fraud. Simply too much to bear."

Yet, I need to remember that my feelings are not always truth. That just because something feels too far gone doesn't mean it is. With God all things are possible. I'm in this season for a reason and I'm learning every day that I still have so much to learn. So I'm pressing into his word. I'm digging in to find the deeper meaning. Instead of skimming the top of many scriptures I am trying to dig in to a few. What I have found is that they've been so vital in my dependence on Him.

Last week I had a tough drive into work. I really don't think I should have been driving but by the grace of God, He got me there safely. When I pulled into the lot I sat there for a minute even though I was running late. I said to God that at least I can say I tried. At least I know that as soon as I saw a need for improvement I put in all the effort I could, in as many different ways as I could, to make things work. I realize at this point it's completely out of my hands. I'm okay with that because I did what I could do. Now it's up to what God can do. What a beautiful way to have to surrender. In the meantime, I will just keep praying. Just keep looking for healing that comes from no one else but God himself. Though, I can't say I felt instant relief, I feel I have reached the turning point. The part of this journey where I really learn to live by faith in Him alone.

"Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God who is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 Corinthians 9:6-8

I have sowed my prayers, tears, and His promises. I have given all that I felt I was called to give. I have done what I felt God placed it in my heart to do and say. Now I wait to see what will grow. I have decided to give all that remains, however I can and where I can, to God. I pray in this season that this promise is fulfilled for the first of many times to come. So that in all things and at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work.

You know what? I think it's going to be a beautiful garden.

Love,
S

Restoration Project - Purpose

You know, I never felt I needed a purpose until I came to Christ. I was happy to finally be out of retail and was quite content to spend many more years where I am now. Working Monday through Friday, weekends and holidays off. Really, this was the dream. [I'm not kidding either, ask any of my friends. This was the #1 goal!] I was ready to enjoy life as it's meant to be enjoyed.

Well, since coming to Christ I realize that I want more purpose than that. Somewhere between self worth and a want to be important I had this strong desire to find out what my calling was. I've been searching myself and some pretty crazy dreams have manifested on my heart. Things I would not have felt competent, nevermind daring enough, to even think about in the past. Yet now I have these crazy ideas on my heart and in my head and I'm praying that at some point in my life they become more than just a dream. It's big.

Obviously, when I was trying to discover my purpose I had to consider what it is that I like love doing and what is it that I could do to help build the kingdom. I want this to be my new purpose. To help others realize there's hope. Life has so much to offer besides living in despair, if only we can open our hearts to the healing. I love to do things for people. I love putting together special gifts, birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries... I put so much thought into it that I tend to run out of time quicker than I run out of ideas. I love to help. I love listening and to talking to people. I love to encourage others whether in a blog forum or out on a race course. I love to journal and I love to read. Right now this is the love that has given me the most purpose. I know one day I will be able to find purpose in my other joys as well. I can't wait to see how those plans lay out.

I started this blog a month ago on March 22. Since then I have written 11 posts. Just tonight I surpassed 1100 pageviews. I know to some this is a daily, heck, maybe even hourly stat...but I find that absolutely amazing. I wasn't even sure if I was going to reach anyone. In a way it was more an outlet for me to speak about what I was learning. I figured maybe a few people might read it and find encouragement for tough times. I have vowed to be honest and prayed that through this blog someone may one day find hope in my journey. I know this isn't going to happen overnight and I'm kind of glad in a way. Because nothing happens overnight. Prayer takes time to develop into blessings. But I believe. I really truly do, that one day those who have been following my journey will rejoice with me on the mountaintops!

Before I had even hit 100 views I started to think maybe I was meant to share his gospel through my writing. I have never been a good writer according to academic grades but something feels so real when I am sharing my heart in these posts. [So please forgive me if my commas are in the wrong place and my sentences run on.]

I had been praying about this. I didn't ask for confirmation outright but God knows our hearts. Literally, He started talking to me on Easter Sunday and has not stopped since. I have actually numbered the pages in my journal and have been referencing back and forth whenever I find another piece of information that coincides beautifully with what He's been telling me.

Part of this discovery also meant finding my worth, discovering His love, and learning to trust again. There's a lot going on right now. I share this tidbit because the questions and answers have blended together and I don't think I could even explain it unless I typed out my journal verbatim. I hope I can organize the beauty of it all so you can see what I mean through my posts to come.

Here's a snippet of what I wrote in my journal on Easter Sunday and then what I immediately and literally opened my bible to:

"One of the things I realized today was my purpose to reach people through my writing. Maybe I'm in this darkness because someone else needs the comfort of my words in this time. Maybe He wants everyone to reach the point where they see His glory through my works."

"This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lords people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. Because of the service by which you have proved yourself(s), others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" ~2 Corinthians 9:12-15

Seriously. Two weeks ago I was upset because I didn't feel special or loved individually by God. He showed up here and not only confirmed that He chooses us for specific purposes but He also reinforced my hope for this blog and so much more. This is spot on. Even at the end, "And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you." I have been so blessed these past few weeks to have heard from some of you who have said you were praying for me. This is just remarkable. I know blogging didn't exist back then but it feels like that statement was written from Paul specifically to me.

Oh, I have so much more to share but I wanted to tell you just how hooked He has me. I keep praying one day I will have more time to spend buried in the pages of His word.

Love,
S