We Were Like Those Who Dreamed

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,

we were like those who dreamed.

Our mouths were filled with laughter,

our tongues with songs of joy.

Then it was said among the nations,

"The Lord has done great things for them"

The Lord has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy.

Restore our fortunes, Lord,

like streams in the Negev.

Those who sow with tears

will reap with songs of joy.

Those who go out weeping,

carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy,

carrying sheaves with them.

~Psalm 126

I absolutely adore this psalm. I "discovered" it on Easter Sunday. I didn't participate in Easter dinner. Honestly, I didn't feel up for it. Instead I drove to Newport (or the beach, if you're not from RI) after church to just reflect on things and to pray. I found a spot to stare out at the ocean and opened my bible. I flipped around a little bit until I stopped and found this psalm which I read aloud.

My prayers, every thing I asked for, hoped for, dreamed for, cried for - felt as if God was affirming they were received with this psalm. I just love this! (Did I say that already? Forgive me! I really enjoy it.)

We were like those who dreamed... To receive blessings, answers to prayer, don't we just look like a bunch of dreamers? Awe-struck, peaceful, content, joyous? That's how we feel again when the Lord answers our prayers. Our mouths will be filled with laughter and our tongues with songs of joy. I believe this is not only when we receive our answers but also when we lift up our prayers. How joyous it is to know He hears our petitions and will respond? 

"In everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests by made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7

Then it was said among the nations, "The Lord has done great things for them." The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. (Emphasis my own). Others will also see our blessings. Others will delight in the good works of the Lord and will proclaim how good He is. I love to put the emphasis on this. The Lord has done great things for us. Because to me that speaks not just in the future when we receive our answers and blessings but also of this very present time. When we can look back and say he has been good and faithful to us.

Because of this assurance from the past we can be filled with joy in the present time. Not only because He answered our past prayers, but because we know He will answer our present prayers in the future. 

"And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." -Matthew 21:22

This is what fills us with joy. This knowledge. Other translations say "And we are glad." Not only are we FILLED with joy but we can outwardly show it because we are glad! That brings it back to the point that others will see and believe!

Those who sow with tears shall reap with songs of joy... Blessings, friends! When we tearfully pray, we are sowing blessings that will reap joy for us. This was a big deal for me that day and continues to be to this day. Our tears are not wasted. They do not fall by the wayside. 

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." -Psalm 56:8 

God sees our suffering and promises to restore us with songs of joy. 

"Return to the stronghold, You prisoners of hope. Even today I declare that I will restore double to you." -Zechariah 9:12

Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow... Another version says 'He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing.' That's more like me. Continually crying in prayer (seed for sowing). I like in this version that instead of "carrying" the seed to sow, it is "bearing" seed for sowing. Sometimes it feels like we are just enduring one pain after another. Bearing exemplifies just how heavy that seed is that we are carrying. 

But take heart!

Will return with songs of joy,carrying sheaves with them or as the NKJV states; 'Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.' All our prayers will come back to us. There is no doubt. One way or another. It may not look like what we prayed for but God promises it will be better than we could have imagined. We go out carrying our prayers and come back carrying our blessings. We reap what we sow and if we sow our prayers in earnest expectation then we can be glad to know we will receive answers to our prayers.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. -Ephesians 3:20

Photo Credit: Pinterest

This was my hope. On a Sunday where hope was resurrected almost 2000 years ago. I prayed He would do the same for me. He has. He will continue to do so. I pray that this has restored a hope inside of you, that it has rekindled your faith as it did for me. God is so good. Keep on praying, keep on hoping and believing. Meanwhile, there is joy in the waiting. God will answer your prayers soon and you will find yourself laughing and singing. Returning back to your old self with songs of joy.

Love,

S

It is Well with My Soul

I've been quietly singing this hymn to myself today. What a wide spectrum of emotions I have felt. I wanted to share my heart so that you could know just what a perplexing state I'm in. I hope this can meet you in your place of uncertainty as well.

My uncle has petitioned for and today gained guardianship over my grandmother. That means, he gets to make all the decisions. I don't know if this is good or bad. I've been in such a state of confusion over it and concern for how this would play out. He gets to decide where she lives, her finances, and decisions on her health. Oh, yeah, and who gets to see her. This is not part of a normal guardianship request but something he threw in just so he can have complete control over everything.

Ever just pray that God responds with whatever He knows to be best? For me this has been one of those times. I have always wanted to remain neutral in this situation, yet I want what is best for my grandmother. So instead of a specific answer, I just prayed to God that He would respond, that He would take control and take the concern from me. I know going forward I will need to rely on this prayer process more as my uncle's authority begins to take over.

In the midst of all this today, I also had to face the death of my friend head on. I not only couldn't call her for her assistance with this (and this is totally something I would have been in close contact with her about) but I also had to step foot into the place where we would always meet, her work. Not once, but twice today. God give me strength.

I'm sure everyone thought I was upset about what was happening with my grandmother. I was really nervous but not 'upset,' per say. I knew he was going to get the guardianship. There's no one else to try to take over. But I couldn't help myself from looking past all the people and not see my friend standing there to greet the people in line. I felt like I was in a fog. People were talking and I couldn't make eye contact. All I could do is stare and wonder why it had to be her.

Later on this afternoon I went back to this place to meet with some of her previous co-workers. They are putting together this great fundraiser for her children and I wanted to see if I could somehow help. Now not only was I standing at the counter where I'd meet her but I was talking about her as if she is gone. Because she is. Reality really sucks the air out of you sometimes. The meeting did not go exactly how I expected. I left feeling hopeful to be able to help somehow but overwhelmed and feeling that I shouldn't have volunteered myself.

I initially chose to help because the need was there. Because she was my friend. We were close. She taught me to drive. Helped me save for prom. She helped me get housing assistance when my mom died. Found me my first doctor who would take me inexpensively without insurance. Brought me into my first full time job. I mean, I've known her half of my life. She was that person. The one who helped me with the things people don't know how to help out with. She liked to boss me around and I liked to let her. It was so refreshing to have someone step in and take control and just tell me what to do. Especially coming from a background that lacked all of these things. She would be laughing to hear me admit this and I can hear her saying, "I told you!"

I emailed and offered to help with the event knowing that I didn't feel prompted to do so. I did pray about it but felt I couldn't get a straight answer. I chalked it up to the fact that I was still grieving. So despite not being prompted by God to move, I did so anyways. I know that I am comforted most when I am helping or giving to others. Yet, after I walked out this afternoon from meeting her friends she worked with, I felt slightly overwhelmed. I feel like I have offered to give too much of myself when I still feel unsure that I am emotionally ready to handle it. I did it because I thought it was so amazing that someone would put together such a great event in honor of my friend. There are bands playing, raffles, food, face painting - the whole nine yards. Just amazing. The money raised will benefit her children. It is such a good cause, why wouldn't I volunteer?

I left there and felt I needed to stop in and see if her husband was working. We have never been close in the way she and I were but I've known him just as long. I haven't spoke to him since the night of her wake. I stopped at his work knowing that if he was there God was going to need to tell me what to say. He was there and as I expected, he is still very much hurting. I said what I hope brought comfort and he shared some things that gave me a deeper insight to what he is living. I feel like my words were inadequate to offer any sort of hope or relief.

How do you look at your friend's husband and promise that it will get easier? We don't want easier. We want our life back but it will never be. How can I offer the light at the end of the tunnel when I have no idea what it will look like or when it will come? I know that only time can help and that stinks because time is just as painful as the loss itself. It's the same way with the situation in my family. I know that right now things aren't going to be better. They won't be for a while. I know right now I need to wait for time to settle the dirt that is being kicked up. It feels like right now everything is in unsettled water. So we have to focus on the days we know we will have an answer about this job or living situation. We focus on the appointments to get us through and the short term possibilities for further healing.

I told you that I've been singing the lyrics from "It Is Well with My Soul" by Horatio Spafford. A friend shared this song with me one day when I was having a particularly tough time. This hymn has continued to be a blessing for me in moments such as this. I had researched the story behind the hymn in order to understand the weight of Spafford's words. This man lost his only son to Scarlet Fever and then lost his finances in the Great Chicago Fire. He had a trip to Europe with his wife and daughters planned but he had to stay behind to deal with business matters due to the fire. While they were out in the middle of the Atlantic ocean they were struck by another vessel and the boat sank. His four daughters died and only his wife survived. This man lost almost everything he loved. When Horatio (I'll refer to him by his first name because when we share pain like this don't we deserve to be on a first name basis?) was travelling to meet his wife in Europe and passed by where his daughters died, it is said that the Holy Spirit inspired him to write these words.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, 

When sorrows like sea billows roll; 

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, 

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I remember the very first time I heard this and was reading the lyrics I couldn't understand why he would say "When peace, like a river, attendeth my way...it is well with my soul." My first reaction was, "no kidding?" But then I realized the third line in the verse which says "Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say...it is well with my soul." We can't just be content with life when things are going our way. We do not get to pick and choose when we think God is on our side. We must believe that He is always on our side and that no matter how gut wrenching the pain is, God will always be there for us. This life is temporary, but there's a place that comes after this that promises no more tears, sadness, sorrow, or heartache. 

What does it mean if something is well with our soul? Well, our soul is defined as the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life. To me, it is our innermost being. What we feel deep down in our core. It's where our values and worth reside. So for something to be well with our soul means that in our deepest parts of ourselves, do we believe that God is faithful? Do we believe that He is good and will work all things together for good? Do we believe that the suffering of this present day cannot be compared to the joy that is coming? 

It forces us to take a step out of our darkness long enough to see that things are slowly but surely falling into place. That life is not moving on without us, but developing forward for us. Today I choose to believe, for what it is worth, that our pain has a purpose. It may never make sense on this side of our journey but hopefully one day it will. If we can see and believe this is true, then we too can sing that it is well with our soul.

Love,

S

Restoration Project - Planting

In one of my recent journal entries I wrote "If God is collecting my tears, He's going to need a bigger jar." This pretty much sums up my past few weeks. I've cried some really ugly tears... but in the ugly mess of my brokenness there's been so much healing too. Right now it feels like a spiritual battle in my heart & mind. I am trying to let His truth become my truth and trying to cast out all the lies that began taking root a long time ago and have spread.

It reminds me of 'The Parable of the Weeds'; In this parable the enemy comes at night and sows weeds along with a man's good seed that he's planted. When he awakes he finds that weeds have been mixed in with his good harvest. I've had some pretty amazing things planted in my heart...but the thing is, it's mixed in with the weeds that have been there taking root. Some days I receive such a hope of promise and then the next morning I wake up feeling defeated because of a dream I had (or sometimes for no reason that I can recall at all). So where does it come from?

"The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?' 'An enemy did this,' he replied. -Matthew 13:27-28

Yup, while I'm sleeping, when 'it's dark' or I'm not guarding my heart, the enemy comes and plants the weeds. I have had some thoughts come to me lately that I have NEVER considered and it's just so frustrating. I've been speaking God's word against them, I'm happy to say that in this moment I can't recall the specific examples and I am so thankful for that.

Once God's word is firmly planted in my heart I know I'll be able to rip out the weeds so much easier. I just need time to let His love grow in my heart. So this way I can tell the difference between lies and truth without a shadow of doubt. Some days are sunnier than others. But I think just like anything else that's planted, I need the rain as much as I need the sun. It's rained a lot lately, heavy tears have watered God's word for growing. Like the trees that bloom flowers before exploding into bright green trees, I know I'm on the verge of a spiritual breakthrough.

One of the things I wrote recently; "What hurts more than the death of the dream is the sacrifice I've made with my hope. I hung onto that hope and belief. I believed like a crazy person that I would see restoration in this situation. The vision that I believed was from God is now a fraud. Simply too much to bear."

Yet, I need to remember that my feelings are not always truth. That just because something feels too far gone doesn't mean it is. With God all things are possible. I'm in this season for a reason and I'm learning every day that I still have so much to learn. So I'm pressing into his word. I'm digging in to find the deeper meaning. Instead of skimming the top of many scriptures I am trying to dig in to a few. What I have found is that they've been so vital in my dependence on Him.

Last week I had a tough drive into work. I really don't think I should have been driving but by the grace of God, He got me there safely. When I pulled into the lot I sat there for a minute even though I was running late. I said to God that at least I can say I tried. At least I know that as soon as I saw a need for improvement I put in all the effort I could, in as many different ways as I could, to make things work. I realize at this point it's completely out of my hands. I'm okay with that because I did what I could do. Now it's up to what God can do. What a beautiful way to have to surrender. In the meantime, I will just keep praying. Just keep looking for healing that comes from no one else but God himself. Though, I can't say I felt instant relief, I feel I have reached the turning point. The part of this journey where I really learn to live by faith in Him alone.

"Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God who is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 Corinthians 9:6-8

I have sowed my prayers, tears, and His promises. I have given all that I felt I was called to give. I have done what I felt God placed it in my heart to do and say. Now I wait to see what will grow. I have decided to give all that remains, however I can and where I can, to God. I pray in this season that this promise is fulfilled for the first of many times to come. So that in all things and at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work.

You know what? I think it's going to be a beautiful garden.

Love,
S

Restoration Project - Purpose

You know, I never felt I needed a purpose until I came to Christ. I was happy to finally be out of retail and was quite content to spend many more years where I am now. Working Monday through Friday, weekends and holidays off. Really, this was the dream. [I'm not kidding either, ask any of my friends. This was the #1 goal!] I was ready to enjoy life as it's meant to be enjoyed.

Well, since coming to Christ I realize that I want more purpose than that. Somewhere between self worth and a want to be important I had this strong desire to find out what my calling was. I've been searching myself and some pretty crazy dreams have manifested on my heart. Things I would not have felt competent, nevermind daring enough, to even think about in the past. Yet now I have these crazy ideas on my heart and in my head and I'm praying that at some point in my life they become more than just a dream. It's big.

Obviously, when I was trying to discover my purpose I had to consider what it is that I like love doing and what is it that I could do to help build the kingdom. I want this to be my new purpose. To help others realize there's hope. Life has so much to offer besides living in despair, if only we can open our hearts to the healing. I love to do things for people. I love putting together special gifts, birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries... I put so much thought into it that I tend to run out of time quicker than I run out of ideas. I love to help. I love listening and to talking to people. I love to encourage others whether in a blog forum or out on a race course. I love to journal and I love to read. Right now this is the love that has given me the most purpose. I know one day I will be able to find purpose in my other joys as well. I can't wait to see how those plans lay out.

I started this blog a month ago on March 22. Since then I have written 11 posts. Just tonight I surpassed 1100 pageviews. I know to some this is a daily, heck, maybe even hourly stat...but I find that absolutely amazing. I wasn't even sure if I was going to reach anyone. In a way it was more an outlet for me to speak about what I was learning. I figured maybe a few people might read it and find encouragement for tough times. I have vowed to be honest and prayed that through this blog someone may one day find hope in my journey. I know this isn't going to happen overnight and I'm kind of glad in a way. Because nothing happens overnight. Prayer takes time to develop into blessings. But I believe. I really truly do, that one day those who have been following my journey will rejoice with me on the mountaintops!

Before I had even hit 100 views I started to think maybe I was meant to share his gospel through my writing. I have never been a good writer according to academic grades but something feels so real when I am sharing my heart in these posts. [So please forgive me if my commas are in the wrong place and my sentences run on.]

I had been praying about this. I didn't ask for confirmation outright but God knows our hearts. Literally, He started talking to me on Easter Sunday and has not stopped since. I have actually numbered the pages in my journal and have been referencing back and forth whenever I find another piece of information that coincides beautifully with what He's been telling me.

Part of this discovery also meant finding my worth, discovering His love, and learning to trust again. There's a lot going on right now. I share this tidbit because the questions and answers have blended together and I don't think I could even explain it unless I typed out my journal verbatim. I hope I can organize the beauty of it all so you can see what I mean through my posts to come.

Here's a snippet of what I wrote in my journal on Easter Sunday and then what I immediately and literally opened my bible to:

"One of the things I realized today was my purpose to reach people through my writing. Maybe I'm in this darkness because someone else needs the comfort of my words in this time. Maybe He wants everyone to reach the point where they see His glory through my works."

"This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lords people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. Because of the service by which you have proved yourself(s), others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" ~2 Corinthians 9:12-15

Seriously. Two weeks ago I was upset because I didn't feel special or loved individually by God. He showed up here and not only confirmed that He chooses us for specific purposes but He also reinforced my hope for this blog and so much more. This is spot on. Even at the end, "And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you." I have been so blessed these past few weeks to have heard from some of you who have said you were praying for me. This is just remarkable. I know blogging didn't exist back then but it feels like that statement was written from Paul specifically to me.

Oh, I have so much more to share but I wanted to tell you just how hooked He has me. I keep praying one day I will have more time to spend buried in the pages of His word.

Love,
S

Love & Death

Last week was hard and beautiful all at the same time. Do you know that feeling?

My brother and his fiance got married last weekend in New Orleans. Oh, I'm so incredibly happy for them! They are one of those couples that you look at and just know that there is no one else for them, they found their match. They are so ridiculously cute together. It was such a joy to be part of their special day and celebrate with them.

The church was beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. There were pretty stained glass windows all around and everywhere you looked was ornate. As I sat in the front row listening to the priest speak, giving his tips on how to keep a happy marriage, I found myself hanging on every word. As I listened I was also holding back tears. Happy tears and broken tears. This is the first wedding I've been to since I've really given my life to Christ. Oh, how much more profound and emotional it became. Somewhere deep down (more like just buried beneath the surface) feelings began to stir that I've held back up until this point.

I couldn't help but think of a past relationship that I so desperately wished could have been more. Feelings that remain from this are still oh so fresh and raw. (Tell me, does real love ever dissipate?) It absolutely broke my heart thinking how this could have been us. This alone was painful but this is so much deeper than a broken off relationship.

This was years of hoping someone could love me this much, to vow to spend the rest of their life with me. Wondering if there is really anyone out there who could love me that much. Years of reasons to doubt I could ever be that blessed. But it was more than that too.

It was seeing life in the light of Christ. It was questioning the promises He has for me. It was so desperately wanting to have someone to share this life with who loves Christ as much or more than I do. It was yearning for someone who wanted to commit to me in front of their friends, their family and our God. Since coming to Christ this has become something very important to me. It's absolutely necessary. I know without a doubt that I need a man who has a heart for God more than he has a heart for me. It is vital to having a healthy, happy relationship to set the foundation of generations to come. It just has to be.

All this thinking really broke me down. Satan is a sneaky, no good, bum. He took what was meant to be a joyous moment and made me sad. I didn't let it affect me that day too much but less than 2 days later it felt catastrophic. Suddenly everything that never worked out in the past became an indicator of my life to come. I hate myself for feeling that way. I still knew God's promises were true but suddenly it didn't felt they were meant for me. In this moment I viewed my life with Christ in the past 7 months as if nothing had changed in me.

On Monday, since we were still in town, we visited a cemetery. I don't know what you know about cemeteries down here but they are all above ground tombs. Something that has to be done because they are below sea level. Let me tell you, it is eerie beyond belief. It was far more ominous than any cemetery I had been to up north. Walking through this cemetery everything was dilapidated, overgrown, and in some cases there were even holes in the tombs where you could almost see inside. Death was literally within inches from where I stood.

It causes you to really reflect on life. Which normally would be a motivator to make the most of life because you never know when it will be your time. But I was in such a glum mood already that it just made things worse. I thought about my parents dying at such a young age. I thought about the age I am now and realize that if my lifeline is determined by theirs then I might only have 10 years or so left. Holy heck, that's depressing. 

Dreams of getting married seemed smaller than anything now. Forget having babies and seeing them graduate. Or seeing their babies get married and have babies! I know, I know...my mind goes there. [I can see you looking at me disapprovingly over my crazy thoughts!] Up until this point I always hoped it was my parents poor health and my determination to take better care of myself that would allow me to live a longer life. But since my good friend recently died no older than they were and she was in good health...it just makes me wonder.

Flash forward. A lot of contemplation. A lot of feeling like my story is already written. That my future is no different than the past I left behind. It really hit me hard. Something that started out so beautiful made a turn for detrimental. Ashamed to say, I actually thought about turning back. Turning away from how far (I hope) I've come these past 7 months. I believed momentarily that it wouldn't make a difference. Thank you God that someone helped talk me out of that nonsense.

And in what perfect timing. This weekend I can celebrate the life I'm going to have because of His love for me. That God so loved me that he gave his only son to die, so that if I shall believe in Him I shall not perish but have eternal life. Talk about a love story that overcomes death's glare.

I have read quite a few posts about this weekend. That Good Friday was such a sad day for the disciples who didn't know which way to turn after losing their beloved Savior. That Saturday was a continuance of the disappearing hope and belief that there was anything left to live for, not knowing the joy that was coming on Sunday.

I'm definitely in this season of Saturdays. Oh, am I ever. Doubt, confusion, grief, loneliness, disbelief. Yup. I have felt it all. But praise God. Because Sunday is coming. Sunday crushes Satan. Sunday delivers on the promises of a brighter day. Sunday is the day I wait in anticipation for.


How wonderful. That because Jesus loves me I have this promise for my future and for hope. I always thought that was awe-inspiring, I would be happy with the promise of a future, but he promises hope too. He just pours out his promises for blessings. I can put it in my planner and wait for the confirmed date. It's coming. Because Jesus' love bears all things - he took my deadly sins and gave me life. His love believes all things - if I believe in Him and His promises then all things are possible! His love hopes all things - I have a reason to rejoice, I have hope and a promise for a future. Jesus' love endures all things - AMEN. Praise God that his love endures forever. That even though I have been living in Fridays and Saturdays that nothing I do, say or feel can turn his love from me. What a beautiful love story.

His love never ends. Hallelujah.


Love,
S

Good Friday

There's a lot going on in my life right now. A lot of questions still unanswered, a lot of things that are about to come to pass.. There are major changes in my family and right before I left for vacation I found out there is going to be a major change for me at work. All of this at once has been overwhelming. Yet I had to stop and think today about what that all means.

You see when major things happen it re-shifts your focus. Like when someone close to you dies, suddenly the world stops... normal every day activities, issues, concerns don't seem to mean so much. All that matters in these moments is telling the people that you love, that you love them, respecting one another, and helping one another. It's about unity, coming together, supporting each other, lifting each other up, comforting one another, encouraging one another. There's also time for reflection; What did this person mean to me? What are my favorite memories? How does this change my life forever?

It doesn't have to be death - it can be a breakup or a divorce, a loss of your job, your home, your children. There are major life changes that can bring you to your knees that cause you to reflect on all the above questions.

So this day begs the question, how close am I to Jesus? Am I close enough for all my other concerns to just not seem so important today? Am I close enough to feel the pain of his death on the anniversary of his death? Does it cause me to stop and appreciate my life for what it is, not for what it isn't? It should.

It frustrates me because even though I know that I should be reacting this way, I keep going back to my old thoughts. My pains, stresses and worries. I think that's part of what makes this so beautiful though.

Jesus knows us. He knows our ways. Jesus loved us before we loved him. He loves us more. Oh, my heart grieves for the way I haven't loved him back. Not to his capacity. It's a shame really. I know I can't love Him as much but have I tried anyways? I know all too well the pain of loving someone with every ounce of love you can and not having the feeling reciprocated. It's deep. But not as deep as the nails that cut through his flesh. It's long suffering. But not as long suffering as Jesus endured while hanging on the cross waiting to die. It's heavy. But not as heavy as the sins that were given to him to carry. It's intense. But not as intense as Jesus dying so we may have eternal life.

I can't even speak about the torture he faced leading up to the cross. Torture to me that sounds worse than the cross itself. Agonizing, brutal, horrific torture.

If Jesus lived to an old age and died of natural causes His story would still be great. That God would send His only Son to earth so He could know what it feels like to live in the flesh and deal with our same sufferings. Yet, this story becomes so much more. Because He was crucified so that we may have eternal life. Through His crucifixion an innocent man took on the sins of the world. Through His crucifixion Satan was crushed.

This man who died is not just a friend. This man who died is my God. He died. For me (and you!). This is not any other wake and funeral. This is not any other sad story. In fact, this is a happy story. It has taken me a long time (and still going) to fully understand why I should rejoice instead of cry. Because unlike any other death, this one actually brings life. Undeserving eternal life in a place of glory where there will never be anymore suffering.

I can't even fathom that day. What it will be like. No grief. No hurt. No pain. No suffering. Wow.
No more death. No more break ups and divorces. No more loss of jobs, homes and children. There will never be any fear of bad news. No more waiting for "the catch." There is no catch, it's just beautiful, eternal life.

And when I think of God, His Son not sparing;

Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;

That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,

He bled and died to take away my sin.

When Christ shall come, with shouts of acclamation,

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.

Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,

And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

-How Great Thou Art

So today I'm going to focus on Him. How blessed I am even in my suffering. Because without this day I would have no reason to hope. Nothing to look forward to. No promise of a place beyond this. Without hope I have nothing. But because of Jesus, I have everything.

Love,
S

Restoration Project - Rejection

Rejection. The only thing that stings more than hearing the word is feeling the word. Living through it and learning how to cope when what you hope for is denied.

We've all felt some kind of rejection in this life. Failed relationships. The times that you are trying to make it work but it's a two part effort and you're the only one making an effort. Friends that have time for everyone and everything else but you. Plans that wait for a busy schedule to clear while other things fill in ahead of you. Unanswered phone calls, texts, emails - your hope hanging on a line.

These things all scream some pretty nasty words at us. You're not important. If you meant anything then it wouldn't be this way. You can make all the time for someone but that's not going to be reciprocated. Obviously you don't get it. You're stupid to keep trying. Stop trying, it's never going to make a difference. Different nasty words and thoughts, yet they all boil down to the same thing. Rejection.

It feels like I was born into rejection. I was rejected by my parents. Rejected by best friends. Rejected from schools and jobs. Rejected from relationships. Rejected by the people I've trusted the most. Honestly. Some days a girl just wants to give up. 

Rejection takes on many faces. It may not be outright, obvious rejection. In fact, most of the rejection I've ever faced has been subliminal. It's in the words and actions people express. Sometimes in the words and actions people don't express. Maybe I'm the only one, but my mind is constantly in overdrive. I analyze everything. Every word that is said or not said. Everything has a double meaning. There's what you say on the outside and there's the truth that hides behind it.

I'm so busy right now I can't make time for you. I need to look into it so I can find a reason to say no. I wish there was someway I could help you but I don't want to commit to your mess. I'll pray about it because I don't want to go near that with a 10 foot pole.

There's also the rejection where things people say get your hopes up but they never have intentions of following through. I remember as a kid when my uncle would promise we'd go to the park or the zoo on the weekend. I would sit in the window, waiting and watching for him, and my dad would say "I don't know why you're waiting for him, he's not going to show." Dad was right 95% of the time. I've had friends who have said we need to hang out more often, but we never do. Promises of things that would be fulfilled in the future that never came to pass. One day we're going to go here. This summer we'll do this. Even simple plans for coffee or dinner "soon." Nothing that really requires much of an effort, yet the effort is never made.

Othertimes, there was that 5% where my uncle did show, restoring my faith that he does care and he will show the next time too. As a kid you don't get it, We had so much fun. It was such a great day. Why won't he come this time? Please tell me I'm not alone here. That there's moments with people we care about where it seems like there's a reason to hope, only for us to be let down again. I guess as an adult I don't get it either. 

Then there's the really nasty stuff. Where people bring God into the picture as if it's a means to free them from living out any obligation to help, listen, care. You can hear the things they don't say loud and clear; God loves you so I don't have too. God has a plan for your life and it doesn't involve me or the person you are praying for. You should pray about it and let God come up with a solution to your problems. One day God is going to do big things because I don't believe there's hope for you in this situation. There's something better for you or that's what I'll say because I don't believe God is going to bless you this time.

My least favorite are the ones that are deliberate and outright that I've misunderstood God speaking to me. Let me be clear, this is the most sensitive spot in my heart. I have learned to be very careful about what I say and to who because it's had a way of coming back and being used against me and out of context. Specifically, if I share a dream or thought I have, that I believe was placed on me from God, it's extremely insulting to hear others reject those thoughts. This comes from believers and non-believers. What if it doesn't turn out the way you believed God said it would? Sometimes what you believe God has for you is not really what He's going to give to you. It's happened to me so many times. I think you need to let go of that hope. You're never going to be happy with this. I know you think you have it together but you don't. Maybe it's not God and it's just coincidence. If it was going to happen that way then it would have already. 

Lately it's just been unbearable. How is a girl supposed to find relief with this overwhelming world? There are days I just want to leave this planet. Be done with it. Let God say I've finally got it right and call me home.

What I want most is hope. I want someone to be on my side. I want to believe that someone out there cares enough so much about me that they don't would never leave me hanging when I need it the most. I want to know I have someone to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on. I want to be able to express what's bothering me without having to apologize for it. To know that they truly want me to share what concerns me because they love me that much.

Thank God that Jesus became flesh and took on the pains of this world. If there's one overwhelming emotion He dealt with it was rejection. His own people rejected Him. His friends betrayed Him. His family didn't believe Him. Even the people of today, who know He wasn't bluffing after all, still reject Him. In death He still can't catch a break from rejection. I can't imagine the pain of rejection He must have felt, knowing He was going to die for the very people who were crucifying Him. That He was giving His life on the hopes that they would change their ways and be saved for an eternity. What kind of guy does this?

Lord, even when I have trouble all around me, you will keep me alive. When my enemies are angry, you will reach down and save me by your power. ~Psalm 138:7

So how do I cope? I start by turning to my Savior. The one who became flesh to take on rejection so that I could be saved. The things I cry out for in this world, Jesus has become for me. Instead of ridiculing my hope, He encourages my hope and reminds me that "All things with God are possible." He promises to always be with me and to never leave or forsake me. He not only vows to never leave but pursues me when I'm the one walking away. What undeserving grace I have. To be pursued by the King, who died for my sins, who runs after me even if I've become so weary that I declare to just give up. "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust in me." I know I can cry on His shoulder because I've already been there. He wants to offer compassion when I'm hurting.

"I love you with a love that will last forever." ~Jeremiah 31:3

There are days that I grieve because I cannot physically see or touch Jesus. I long to know Him in human form the way the disciples did. There are days I wish I could call Him up and ask if He'd like to get a coffee and sit and watch the waves with me. To stay up late conversing about His plans and our future. To laugh, cry, rejoice, grieve and dance with Him. I want to see His face. To know when He's happy. To see Him stand up against that which hurts me. To know when He's proud of how far I've come. To hear His voice as He says He will never leave me. I ache for the day that I can follow Him forever. To never leave His side. To praise Him and love Him like He has done for me. Until that day I seek Him. He will provide what I need. He will sustain me by bringing people into my life who are going to support, encourage and love me. I've seen quite the demonstration of this lately and one day soon I'll share some of the amazing things He's already done.

The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you. ~Zephaniah 3:17

Love,
S


As a side bar; I know there are friends and family that will read this post and object to my viewpoint. There will be people who want to reply to this message. I am not posting this because I am asking for you to do anything different. This post is not about anyone or anything specific but an overall feeling that begs to be reconstructed by the grace of God. I know I'm loved. I know I have people out there who I can trust and turn to. Please respect my decision to share this message even if you don't agree.

Spiritual Endurance

 

First of all, quick hello to the lovely ladies from SheReadsTruth! For those of you not familiar with this group, check them out! You won't be disappointed. 

This week's study has us meditating and confessing. We are reflecting on Joshua 1:8-9.

To begin, I have a confession. I did not plan for this but in keeping with my honesty with you all, I am afraid I might not be in the best frame of mind to completely receive God's word. Which is kind of ironic considering the verse we are studying. You'll see what I mean. And if you read to the end you can see just how He always shows up when you seek Him. Even while writing a blog post after you just confessed you just might not have what it takes to fully understand today. 

This is a verse that I've heard a ton of times before today. I have a scripture wall in my bedroom that I started, it helps me memorize the verses and to see them right before I run out my bedroom door. Whether I'm off to start my day or to venture out one more time, they are always encouraging and helpful.

The funny thing about this verse is I never saw it like I did tonight. I never really tried to find more to what "meets the eye." Yet, there's definitely further meaning here.

Joshua is instructed to be strong and of good courage. What does that mean? Well, I think the strong here is not necessarily referring to lifting weights at the gym. In our daily life we take on feats that we could only do had we been "working out." Verse eight tells us how to be strong;

"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success."

Less talking, more doing. Meditating on the word of God is how we strengthen our spiritual being. And this is where that God humor comes in. I have been extremely busy the past few weeks and have spent significantly less time reading the bible then I would like to admit. The strange thing is, I feel it in my soul. I have been worn down, weak, hurt, stressed, exhausted... so not the vision of strength God commands from me. But when I read the word, when I spend time soaking it all in, it transforms me. My day gets brighter, my patience lasts longer, I am blessed with an abundance of grace, and I can take on the worries of the world a little easier. Keep reading and you'll see His grace before your very eyes!

Meditating on the word turns my ways into His ways. When I study the word I am more apt to carefully make decisions rather than let my flesh (emotions, good mood vs bad mood, wants and desires) take charge. I'm an emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's a big part of what I've tried to overcome. I see where this has caused friction in the past and I think it's just so ugly to live that way. When I'm allowing my emotions (hurt, anger, sadness) to rule, I don't even want to be near me.

Using discernment means my decisions are faith based and even if I still make the wrong choice, at least I would have done so based on prayer. There's less room for regret in these cases, even when we're wrong. Hard to regret that which you mulled over in prayer, as opposed to the rash decision that changes things forever. Meditation leads to better choices and better choices leads to us being prosperous and successful.

What I love the most is what comes next though; It's the encouragement God gives because he knows there will be moments where we go from victorious warrior to doubtful onlooker.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

When we believe we heard and understood God, and when we choose to obey based on our belief, it can begin to look or feel like we made the wrong decision. With waiting comes doubt; did I understand God speaking to me? Was it all in my head? Maybe it was my desire and not God's. If it's taking this long I surely misunderstood. If I figured it out I wouldn't still have this daily struggle. Just because we hear God doesn't mean everything immediately comes to pass.

Our faith can waver like a flag in the wind on a dark night. Because of the darkness the flag can be hard to see and sometimes the wind blows it so hard it seems like it may fray to pieces. Other times our faith is more like the wind where we can't see it at all but only feel it. We can't touch it but it touches us. Even in the darkness we can feel it, we can hear it and it has the power to move us. God restores that faith that can move us with this statement to Joshua. He gives us something to wait for with expectant hope.

I would like to imagine the angel of God's army fighting satan to get to me. The way that he did for Daniel. That God has already answered my prayer, He's just fighting tooth and nail for every ounce of blessing that He wants me to receive. The message God gave to Daniel is very similar to our passage now;

"Pay attention to my words. Stand up, because I’ve been sent to you. Don’t be afraid, Daniel. God has heard everything that you said ever since the first day you decided to humble yourself in front of your God so that you could learn to understand things. I have come in response to your prayer."

When Daniel fell to his knees, unable to speak, through the angel he once again heard affirmation;

He said, “Don’t be afraid. You are highly respected. Everything is alright! Be strong! Be strong!”

Before you continue, reread those scriptures and input your name in place of Daniel. Anyone else wowed? As if there are a crowd of angels in heaven looking on and cheering for you!

I find remarkable similarities between these two scriptures. God doesn't repeat things just because He has nothing else to say. He repeats them so that we can meditate on them. Less talking about the word and more hearing it. We can't listen well when we're talking. Studying God's word is the same, there's time for prayer and there's time to be silent.

I love that in both scriptures God says to "Pay attention to my words" (meditate on it day and night) and "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not by dismayed." (don't be afraid, everything is alright, be strong!)

Here's that abundance of grace I mentioned at the beginning; Until I was looking up the scripture on Daniel to reread it, I didn't remember the things the angel spoke to Daniel. I simply remembered the fact that the angel was fighting to get to him. The fact that we are studying almost the same conversation with a different person from the bible tells me that God really wanted my attention on this one. This is what spending time in the word does for you. After confessing my weakness, he gave me strength. Amazing grace.

Let's remain strong. Let's keep focused on his word. Let's not be dismayed when things don't go our way quickly. It doesn't mean we didn't hear God, it just means He's still working on it. All great works of art take time to create. You are not a dot on a canvas to hang in a museum. Your bigger picture is a work in progress that one day God will hang in his hall of fame and say, "I made her!" and she is perfect and complete!

Love,
S

Restoration Project - Overcoming Fear

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you." Ezekial 36:26

Walking in God’s promises really is life changing. There's so many aspects of my heart that have been transformed into something new and I hope to share as much of that as possible in the future. One of the struggles I have had to overcome was my intense sense of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear that screams "You're 31 and single!" - "All your friends are married and now having children!" - "When will you find the career path that's right for you?" - "When are you going to do something with your life?" Crazy, intense, fear.

It's easy to look at the way things panned out. See the mistakes I made highlighted as if made for a blooper reel that is stuck on repeat. It's even easier to believe that the things of the past have total control over what the future holds. But that was the old heart. That was before I found out the Truth.

Even though you may not realize it, God is using this pain for good. James 1:2 tells us “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds.” Because of this statement friends, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God” Romans 8:28.

You might ask how I could even rely on this as my hope? How these simple scriptures can change an outlook. If you are, then I’m glad, because this is the point I’m trying to get to. Even before I was a follower of Jesus, I always believed that everything happened for a reason. Without a doubt in my mind I could always look back and see how the pieces fit and why certain things had to happen the way they did. What my Savior has shown me is that I can also look ahead to see how the pieces will fit. He may or may not show me His plan, most of the time it will still be unknown. But we know that He works all things together for our good. We know that He’s seen our steps and already walked with us down every path before we even set out to walk.

Because of this fact we can consider it pure joy when facing our trials in this life, knowing that there is a purpose. That everything happens for a reason. Knowing that God is not only walking with us, but that he paved the way before us. He also promises that because of our pain He will bless us.

It’s in these trials He has given me this new promised heart and spirit. It hasn't been quick. Some days have been agonizingly slow and painful. Satan knows the Lord is working and so he will put any obstacle in my way to send me back to my former, comfortable self.

It is a blessing to say that I finally feel I’m over the breaking point. I wish I could give specifics that could show you just how my heart has been transformed. Having a new heart changes your attitude, it changes your reactions, it changes your thoughts, it changes your emotions, it changes your outlook, it changes your beliefs, and it changes you.

I've noticed a significant change in the way that I handle stressful situations as opposed to my old self. In the past immediately anxiety would creep up, I would be overwhelmed, panicky, and sometimes start crying because I just “couldn't deal” with it. Now when a stressful situation arises I find that more often than not I go to God first. I give it to Him and try not to think about the things in the future that I cannot control. I approach the matter with more of a sense of calm. But most importantly, I approach the situation with a hope rather than defeat. That has made all the difference in the world.

A dear friend gave me a book she owned for years and read countless times. It’s called 'Hinds Feet on High Places.' It’s about a young girl named Much-Afraid who journeys into the wilderness to ascend a mountain to the highest place where her enemies cannot harm her. She is handicapped and has relatives whose last name is Fear. She takes this journey at the promise of the Shepherd who vows to take her to the high places, to remove her lameness and give her feet like deer. This book really is incredible if you haven’t read it, I recommend it. The story outlines the journey each of us takes in our own lives [it may not sound like it would, you'll just have to trust me].

I marked off a spot in this book that I believe speaks to how we should deal with the unknown future. When I’m dealing with a situation that I think will affect the course of my life I can’t help but think of the worst case scenarios. It’s just always been what I do. When you are accustomed to bad things happening you begin to expect them. So this is a command that I've really taken to heart and tried to apply as much as possible.

“Much-Afraid, don’t ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is.”

What does the Shepherd mean that we will walk with fear in a place where no fear is? It means there is no fear in God. To try to predict the potential destruction of our future robs us from our trust in God and leaves us alone to worry. We cannot be both fearful and trusting in God. It just doesn't work that way. It's like oil and vinegar. They do not mix well.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 God did not create us to have fear. This is man-made, learned behavior. Our past experiences taught us to fear the future ones. Friends and family who constantly worry helped develop our fear. Watch the news for a half hour and try not to be fearful or worrisome about something. But in God we do not have to be prisoners to fear. God has given us a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. 

Like Much-Afraid I’ve often predicted an alternative ending to how things actually happened. My imagination was always so much worse than how things turned out. Reminds me of lyrics from one of Sara's songs, "I miss the days that my mind would just rest quiet. My imagination hadn't turned on me yet." This is exactly what happens when our minds start racing. Our imaginations can literally destroy our hearts, allowing fear of the unknown to take over. Our “enemies” lurk everywhere waiting to grab hold of our earthly imagination. These enemies are not always people but can be situations, a bad diagnosis, an extremely low bank balance, talk of worldly affairs, and even someone else’s fear. We need to seek to get back to what we were born with. A mind that would just rest quiet.

I wanted to end with this well known quote from Franklin D Roosevelt's first inaugural speech;

"Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." 

Friends, this is powerful. If you've never stopped to think about this statement, do it with me now. The only thing to be fearful of is the fleshly nature to be fearful, which occurs when we take our eyes off of the Creator who is in control. This fear paralyzes us where we are. It stops us from advancing forward in our lives. It catches a hold on us and does not let us go.

This is one place that I've felt transformed. Where I've been given a “new spirit” along with my transformed heart. It is a diligent effort to not let my thoughts run wild instilling fear into my heart. How about you? If you are walking with fear, trembling and agony then it’s time to ask God for help. Let Him take away the fear. Let Him be your comforter and your restorer. Ask Him to allow your mind to just rest quiet so that you can advance into your future with hopeful expectation.

Love,
S