I Said Yes!

Back in January I made a promise to God. That anything I felt His prompting to do, I would say yes. I didn't want to miss any other good things He gave me. I felt as though I had a great thing pass me by and I didn't want another broken heart looking back again. I realize that there are times where I have let my anxiety get in the way. My emotions and feelings have run the ship of my life. That's a whole other story for another day though. Tonight I'm talking about saying yes to God's call. 

Driving home tonight after finishing my second bible study session, I thanked God I said yes in January to starting. No sooner than just making the promise to God, He had presented me with an opportunity to put 'my yes where my heart is.' A friend asked me to join her for the next session of bible study at her church. I didn't hesitate. I said yes right away, left to think about what I had gotten myself into after the fact. (Though, I have come to realize this is NOT the way I should be making decisions!) At the time I knew it was absolutely due to the fact that I had committed to God not to run away from the unknown. That was the beginning of God showing up in my life in answers to prayers, as a new dedicated believer, it's been such a surreal experience.

If I hadn’t said yes, I’d probably be still home feeling bad about myself. Even worse than that, I might have become content again with the way my life was. Yet, because I said yes, I have developed relationships that could have eventually dissolved. I met new friends and felt encouraged into fellowship with others outside the group and outside this church. I believe this is just the beginning of these friendships I have made.

I had been sad to have lost the person I considered my best friend. The person who lived through my emotional trials while I figured out how my past fit into my life. The person who I entrusted with things I had once sworn to take to the grave with me. Someone I allowed to see my broken pieces and who tried to offer me promises of a better day. The one who I could turn to and believed they would always be there no matter what. This was my person and my person was gone. 

Talking to God, I reflected on my thoughts that He is the one that has really been through all of this with me. Though I've always known this truth, I never fully comprehended until tonight. I never stopped to consider even in my loss that I still had one who had been here for every single part of it. Even now. God has actually lived through my physical pain with me. While a best friend is the most important person in someone's life besides their significant other, God is still greater. He can love me like no other, because He knows the pain I grew up with. He hasn't just heard my tearful stories, He was there, and He was crying when I was crying. He has literally seen me since the first time my father lashed out at me to the last time he put his hands on me. He knows the pain, shame, and fear I have experienced. He was there with me. 

I was crying the whole drive home from bible study tonight. Not sad tears or happy tears... but tears of relief. Tears of understanding. The tears that have come not because it hurts to hold on but because it feels so weightless to let go. Tears because I understand so much more than I did yesterday. Tears because every day I feel stronger than the day before.

I started thinking of Jesus dying on the cross for me. It dawned on me why I cringe more hearing about the scourging Jesus endured than the nailing of his hands and feet. In a way, I have felt that same torment. In that same thought, Jesus felt the lashes when I was beaten by my fathers belt. He felt each and every time it whipped across my backside. Harder and sharper and burning more than the one before. So much hurt that if that's all it was than it was a good day.

I realize not only does Jesus understand my pain because of His own beatings but because He saw the lashes I took. It's such a strange emotion for me. I understand Him and He understands me. Is this how God intends it to be? I know how it feels to be whipped until it hurts, even if I don’t know to the extent He felt it. I know what it’s like to have to pick up your cross and walk after the beating. To me it is relative to my father telling me to stop crying after he just dealt me a series of strong blows. Both feeling heavy and impossible. I know what it’s like to live with pain I didn't deserve just as Jesus died for the sins He didn't deserve.

Perhaps when Jesus cried, "My God, why have you forsaken me?," it wasn't because he felt betrayed by God. For one split moment, I believe, maybe he was speaking for me to my own earthly father. Driving home the fact that He has felt what I have felt. Not a day went by that I didn't think these words, maybe not in this same phrase, but still asked the question in my heart. 'Dad, why do you hurt me so much when I just want to love you?' Perhaps, maybe, just maybe, for that split second, Jesus was asking that question for all of us who have been so deeply hurt by someone. I know that I’m putting my own heart into this, but doesn't it seem to make sense? When you juxtapose our pain with His pain, the words that He says and the ways we have felt? I just find this to be a stunning direct correlation that I never noticed before tonight.

I wonder if Jesus cried not because He hurt from His own physical pain, not just because this world was sinful. But rather, cried knowing the pain that we would endure simply because we would be born into this world. That for no other reason than being born that we were born to suffer. I believe, He cried knowing that the sin would be so deep that it would hurt the innocent. He cried for us before we met our pain, knowing fully well what was coming for each one of us.

Then He came in like a superhero and said, “It is finished.” Why? Because that's what the superhero says to the villain to let him know his time is up. That his scheme is broken. His plans have failed. No longer do we have to suffer eternal consequences for our sin. Sin that we were born into because of Adam's fall. He was our Superhero sent to slay the enemy.

Jesus knew that we would suffer coming into this world, but He also knew it would be worth it. He knew the love that we can receive from God far trumps any pain that we may endure in this lifetime. That love alone is worth the fight. That love endures all things. Hopes all things. Believes all things. This love – it’s everything. And He knew it. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me.

Though I endure trials for a little while, there is great joy ahead that no one can take away. I don’t have joy because my earthly father has died, but because my Savior lives. My pain does not go away just because things changed but my joy comes because of His love. 

Tonight in the final video of our Beth Moore study she said something that really caught my attention. It fits so perfectly here;

"Joy is supposed to be non-circumstantial. Happy is circumstantial." 

Joy is happiness that does not change just because our situation changes. I love that. I believe the great joy ahead is the same joy that I had an overwhelming feeling of way back here. 

"So look up, look up… this is a song about the morning, after a long night."

It’s been a long night. Every day of my life leading up to this night. May 14, 2014 – it’s been a long, long, long night.

But this is a song about the morning. Though pain comes in the night, the joy comes in the morning. When I looked up to Jesus, the light came. 

I am home now and it’s still light out. There’s nothing coincidental about this. It's not just the earthly season change. This is my spiritual season change. This is my new beginning. This is the light that I’ve prayed for, the hope that I believed in. This is my home for now, my light for now, but there will come a day with a home greater than this and a light far brighter than this. 

Does that mean when the sun arises tomorrow that I don’t have some of the same pain? Not at all. But it does mean that I don't have to suffer because of my pain. I am loved by God and to be loved is the greatest feeling. Jesus died for me because He loved me so much. He cried because He felt my pain. He rejoices because I have found Him. I love my Lord.

I'm so happy that I said yes to many things since that first yes. I know there's a yes that I can't wait to say one day. What a beautiful dress rehearsal that I get to live every day of my life up until that day. I am loved by a King. He calls me His bride. I'm so glad I said yes to Him and I cannot wait to see what the rest of this beautiful life holds! 

Love,

S

Restoration Project - Planting

In one of my recent journal entries I wrote "If God is collecting my tears, He's going to need a bigger jar." This pretty much sums up my past few weeks. I've cried some really ugly tears... but in the ugly mess of my brokenness there's been so much healing too. Right now it feels like a spiritual battle in my heart & mind. I am trying to let His truth become my truth and trying to cast out all the lies that began taking root a long time ago and have spread.

It reminds me of 'The Parable of the Weeds'; In this parable the enemy comes at night and sows weeds along with a man's good seed that he's planted. When he awakes he finds that weeds have been mixed in with his good harvest. I've had some pretty amazing things planted in my heart...but the thing is, it's mixed in with the weeds that have been there taking root. Some days I receive such a hope of promise and then the next morning I wake up feeling defeated because of a dream I had (or sometimes for no reason that I can recall at all). So where does it come from?

"The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?' 'An enemy did this,' he replied. -Matthew 13:27-28

Yup, while I'm sleeping, when 'it's dark' or I'm not guarding my heart, the enemy comes and plants the weeds. I have had some thoughts come to me lately that I have NEVER considered and it's just so frustrating. I've been speaking God's word against them, I'm happy to say that in this moment I can't recall the specific examples and I am so thankful for that.

Once God's word is firmly planted in my heart I know I'll be able to rip out the weeds so much easier. I just need time to let His love grow in my heart. So this way I can tell the difference between lies and truth without a shadow of doubt. Some days are sunnier than others. But I think just like anything else that's planted, I need the rain as much as I need the sun. It's rained a lot lately, heavy tears have watered God's word for growing. Like the trees that bloom flowers before exploding into bright green trees, I know I'm on the verge of a spiritual breakthrough.

One of the things I wrote recently; "What hurts more than the death of the dream is the sacrifice I've made with my hope. I hung onto that hope and belief. I believed like a crazy person that I would see restoration in this situation. The vision that I believed was from God is now a fraud. Simply too much to bear."

Yet, I need to remember that my feelings are not always truth. That just because something feels too far gone doesn't mean it is. With God all things are possible. I'm in this season for a reason and I'm learning every day that I still have so much to learn. So I'm pressing into his word. I'm digging in to find the deeper meaning. Instead of skimming the top of many scriptures I am trying to dig in to a few. What I have found is that they've been so vital in my dependence on Him.

Last week I had a tough drive into work. I really don't think I should have been driving but by the grace of God, He got me there safely. When I pulled into the lot I sat there for a minute even though I was running late. I said to God that at least I can say I tried. At least I know that as soon as I saw a need for improvement I put in all the effort I could, in as many different ways as I could, to make things work. I realize at this point it's completely out of my hands. I'm okay with that because I did what I could do. Now it's up to what God can do. What a beautiful way to have to surrender. In the meantime, I will just keep praying. Just keep looking for healing that comes from no one else but God himself. Though, I can't say I felt instant relief, I feel I have reached the turning point. The part of this journey where I really learn to live by faith in Him alone.

"Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God who is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 Corinthians 9:6-8

I have sowed my prayers, tears, and His promises. I have given all that I felt I was called to give. I have done what I felt God placed it in my heart to do and say. Now I wait to see what will grow. I have decided to give all that remains, however I can and where I can, to God. I pray in this season that this promise is fulfilled for the first of many times to come. So that in all things and at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work.

You know what? I think it's going to be a beautiful garden.

Love,
S

Love & Death

Last week was hard and beautiful all at the same time. Do you know that feeling?

My brother and his fiance got married last weekend in New Orleans. Oh, I'm so incredibly happy for them! They are one of those couples that you look at and just know that there is no one else for them, they found their match. They are so ridiculously cute together. It was such a joy to be part of their special day and celebrate with them.

The church was beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. There were pretty stained glass windows all around and everywhere you looked was ornate. As I sat in the front row listening to the priest speak, giving his tips on how to keep a happy marriage, I found myself hanging on every word. As I listened I was also holding back tears. Happy tears and broken tears. This is the first wedding I've been to since I've really given my life to Christ. Oh, how much more profound and emotional it became. Somewhere deep down (more like just buried beneath the surface) feelings began to stir that I've held back up until this point.

I couldn't help but think of a past relationship that I so desperately wished could have been more. Feelings that remain from this are still oh so fresh and raw. (Tell me, does real love ever dissipate?) It absolutely broke my heart thinking how this could have been us. This alone was painful but this is so much deeper than a broken off relationship.

This was years of hoping someone could love me this much, to vow to spend the rest of their life with me. Wondering if there is really anyone out there who could love me that much. Years of reasons to doubt I could ever be that blessed. But it was more than that too.

It was seeing life in the light of Christ. It was questioning the promises He has for me. It was so desperately wanting to have someone to share this life with who loves Christ as much or more than I do. It was yearning for someone who wanted to commit to me in front of their friends, their family and our God. Since coming to Christ this has become something very important to me. It's absolutely necessary. I know without a doubt that I need a man who has a heart for God more than he has a heart for me. It is vital to having a healthy, happy relationship to set the foundation of generations to come. It just has to be.

All this thinking really broke me down. Satan is a sneaky, no good, bum. He took what was meant to be a joyous moment and made me sad. I didn't let it affect me that day too much but less than 2 days later it felt catastrophic. Suddenly everything that never worked out in the past became an indicator of my life to come. I hate myself for feeling that way. I still knew God's promises were true but suddenly it didn't felt they were meant for me. In this moment I viewed my life with Christ in the past 7 months as if nothing had changed in me.

On Monday, since we were still in town, we visited a cemetery. I don't know what you know about cemeteries down here but they are all above ground tombs. Something that has to be done because they are below sea level. Let me tell you, it is eerie beyond belief. It was far more ominous than any cemetery I had been to up north. Walking through this cemetery everything was dilapidated, overgrown, and in some cases there were even holes in the tombs where you could almost see inside. Death was literally within inches from where I stood.

It causes you to really reflect on life. Which normally would be a motivator to make the most of life because you never know when it will be your time. But I was in such a glum mood already that it just made things worse. I thought about my parents dying at such a young age. I thought about the age I am now and realize that if my lifeline is determined by theirs then I might only have 10 years or so left. Holy heck, that's depressing. 

Dreams of getting married seemed smaller than anything now. Forget having babies and seeing them graduate. Or seeing their babies get married and have babies! I know, I know...my mind goes there. [I can see you looking at me disapprovingly over my crazy thoughts!] Up until this point I always hoped it was my parents poor health and my determination to take better care of myself that would allow me to live a longer life. But since my good friend recently died no older than they were and she was in good health...it just makes me wonder.

Flash forward. A lot of contemplation. A lot of feeling like my story is already written. That my future is no different than the past I left behind. It really hit me hard. Something that started out so beautiful made a turn for detrimental. Ashamed to say, I actually thought about turning back. Turning away from how far (I hope) I've come these past 7 months. I believed momentarily that it wouldn't make a difference. Thank you God that someone helped talk me out of that nonsense.

And in what perfect timing. This weekend I can celebrate the life I'm going to have because of His love for me. That God so loved me that he gave his only son to die, so that if I shall believe in Him I shall not perish but have eternal life. Talk about a love story that overcomes death's glare.

I have read quite a few posts about this weekend. That Good Friday was such a sad day for the disciples who didn't know which way to turn after losing their beloved Savior. That Saturday was a continuance of the disappearing hope and belief that there was anything left to live for, not knowing the joy that was coming on Sunday.

I'm definitely in this season of Saturdays. Oh, am I ever. Doubt, confusion, grief, loneliness, disbelief. Yup. I have felt it all. But praise God. Because Sunday is coming. Sunday crushes Satan. Sunday delivers on the promises of a brighter day. Sunday is the day I wait in anticipation for.


How wonderful. That because Jesus loves me I have this promise for my future and for hope. I always thought that was awe-inspiring, I would be happy with the promise of a future, but he promises hope too. He just pours out his promises for blessings. I can put it in my planner and wait for the confirmed date. It's coming. Because Jesus' love bears all things - he took my deadly sins and gave me life. His love believes all things - if I believe in Him and His promises then all things are possible! His love hopes all things - I have a reason to rejoice, I have hope and a promise for a future. Jesus' love endures all things - AMEN. Praise God that his love endures forever. That even though I have been living in Fridays and Saturdays that nothing I do, say or feel can turn his love from me. What a beautiful love story.

His love never ends. Hallelujah.


Love,
S