I Said Yes!

Back in January I made a promise to God. That anything I felt His prompting to do, I would say yes. I didn't want to miss any other good things He gave me. I felt as though I had a great thing pass me by and I didn't want another broken heart looking back again. I realize that there are times where I have let my anxiety get in the way. My emotions and feelings have run the ship of my life. That's a whole other story for another day though. Tonight I'm talking about saying yes to God's call. 

Driving home tonight after finishing my second bible study session, I thanked God I said yes in January to starting. No sooner than just making the promise to God, He had presented me with an opportunity to put 'my yes where my heart is.' A friend asked me to join her for the next session of bible study at her church. I didn't hesitate. I said yes right away, left to think about what I had gotten myself into after the fact. (Though, I have come to realize this is NOT the way I should be making decisions!) At the time I knew it was absolutely due to the fact that I had committed to God not to run away from the unknown. That was the beginning of God showing up in my life in answers to prayers, as a new dedicated believer, it's been such a surreal experience.

If I hadn’t said yes, I’d probably be still home feeling bad about myself. Even worse than that, I might have become content again with the way my life was. Yet, because I said yes, I have developed relationships that could have eventually dissolved. I met new friends and felt encouraged into fellowship with others outside the group and outside this church. I believe this is just the beginning of these friendships I have made.

I had been sad to have lost the person I considered my best friend. The person who lived through my emotional trials while I figured out how my past fit into my life. The person who I entrusted with things I had once sworn to take to the grave with me. Someone I allowed to see my broken pieces and who tried to offer me promises of a better day. The one who I could turn to and believed they would always be there no matter what. This was my person and my person was gone. 

Talking to God, I reflected on my thoughts that He is the one that has really been through all of this with me. Though I've always known this truth, I never fully comprehended until tonight. I never stopped to consider even in my loss that I still had one who had been here for every single part of it. Even now. God has actually lived through my physical pain with me. While a best friend is the most important person in someone's life besides their significant other, God is still greater. He can love me like no other, because He knows the pain I grew up with. He hasn't just heard my tearful stories, He was there, and He was crying when I was crying. He has literally seen me since the first time my father lashed out at me to the last time he put his hands on me. He knows the pain, shame, and fear I have experienced. He was there with me. 

I was crying the whole drive home from bible study tonight. Not sad tears or happy tears... but tears of relief. Tears of understanding. The tears that have come not because it hurts to hold on but because it feels so weightless to let go. Tears because I understand so much more than I did yesterday. Tears because every day I feel stronger than the day before.

I started thinking of Jesus dying on the cross for me. It dawned on me why I cringe more hearing about the scourging Jesus endured than the nailing of his hands and feet. In a way, I have felt that same torment. In that same thought, Jesus felt the lashes when I was beaten by my fathers belt. He felt each and every time it whipped across my backside. Harder and sharper and burning more than the one before. So much hurt that if that's all it was than it was a good day.

I realize not only does Jesus understand my pain because of His own beatings but because He saw the lashes I took. It's such a strange emotion for me. I understand Him and He understands me. Is this how God intends it to be? I know how it feels to be whipped until it hurts, even if I don’t know to the extent He felt it. I know what it’s like to have to pick up your cross and walk after the beating. To me it is relative to my father telling me to stop crying after he just dealt me a series of strong blows. Both feeling heavy and impossible. I know what it’s like to live with pain I didn't deserve just as Jesus died for the sins He didn't deserve.

Perhaps when Jesus cried, "My God, why have you forsaken me?," it wasn't because he felt betrayed by God. For one split moment, I believe, maybe he was speaking for me to my own earthly father. Driving home the fact that He has felt what I have felt. Not a day went by that I didn't think these words, maybe not in this same phrase, but still asked the question in my heart. 'Dad, why do you hurt me so much when I just want to love you?' Perhaps, maybe, just maybe, for that split second, Jesus was asking that question for all of us who have been so deeply hurt by someone. I know that I’m putting my own heart into this, but doesn't it seem to make sense? When you juxtapose our pain with His pain, the words that He says and the ways we have felt? I just find this to be a stunning direct correlation that I never noticed before tonight.

I wonder if Jesus cried not because He hurt from His own physical pain, not just because this world was sinful. But rather, cried knowing the pain that we would endure simply because we would be born into this world. That for no other reason than being born that we were born to suffer. I believe, He cried knowing that the sin would be so deep that it would hurt the innocent. He cried for us before we met our pain, knowing fully well what was coming for each one of us.

Then He came in like a superhero and said, “It is finished.” Why? Because that's what the superhero says to the villain to let him know his time is up. That his scheme is broken. His plans have failed. No longer do we have to suffer eternal consequences for our sin. Sin that we were born into because of Adam's fall. He was our Superhero sent to slay the enemy.

Jesus knew that we would suffer coming into this world, but He also knew it would be worth it. He knew the love that we can receive from God far trumps any pain that we may endure in this lifetime. That love alone is worth the fight. That love endures all things. Hopes all things. Believes all things. This love – it’s everything. And He knew it. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me.

Though I endure trials for a little while, there is great joy ahead that no one can take away. I don’t have joy because my earthly father has died, but because my Savior lives. My pain does not go away just because things changed but my joy comes because of His love. 

Tonight in the final video of our Beth Moore study she said something that really caught my attention. It fits so perfectly here;

"Joy is supposed to be non-circumstantial. Happy is circumstantial." 

Joy is happiness that does not change just because our situation changes. I love that. I believe the great joy ahead is the same joy that I had an overwhelming feeling of way back here. 

"So look up, look up… this is a song about the morning, after a long night."

It’s been a long night. Every day of my life leading up to this night. May 14, 2014 – it’s been a long, long, long night.

But this is a song about the morning. Though pain comes in the night, the joy comes in the morning. When I looked up to Jesus, the light came. 

I am home now and it’s still light out. There’s nothing coincidental about this. It's not just the earthly season change. This is my spiritual season change. This is my new beginning. This is the light that I’ve prayed for, the hope that I believed in. This is my home for now, my light for now, but there will come a day with a home greater than this and a light far brighter than this. 

Does that mean when the sun arises tomorrow that I don’t have some of the same pain? Not at all. But it does mean that I don't have to suffer because of my pain. I am loved by God and to be loved is the greatest feeling. Jesus died for me because He loved me so much. He cried because He felt my pain. He rejoices because I have found Him. I love my Lord.

I'm so happy that I said yes to many things since that first yes. I know there's a yes that I can't wait to say one day. What a beautiful dress rehearsal that I get to live every day of my life up until that day. I am loved by a King. He calls me His bride. I'm so glad I said yes to Him and I cannot wait to see what the rest of this beautiful life holds! 

Love,

S

Love & Death

Last week was hard and beautiful all at the same time. Do you know that feeling?

My brother and his fiance got married last weekend in New Orleans. Oh, I'm so incredibly happy for them! They are one of those couples that you look at and just know that there is no one else for them, they found their match. They are so ridiculously cute together. It was such a joy to be part of their special day and celebrate with them.

The church was beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. There were pretty stained glass windows all around and everywhere you looked was ornate. As I sat in the front row listening to the priest speak, giving his tips on how to keep a happy marriage, I found myself hanging on every word. As I listened I was also holding back tears. Happy tears and broken tears. This is the first wedding I've been to since I've really given my life to Christ. Oh, how much more profound and emotional it became. Somewhere deep down (more like just buried beneath the surface) feelings began to stir that I've held back up until this point.

I couldn't help but think of a past relationship that I so desperately wished could have been more. Feelings that remain from this are still oh so fresh and raw. (Tell me, does real love ever dissipate?) It absolutely broke my heart thinking how this could have been us. This alone was painful but this is so much deeper than a broken off relationship.

This was years of hoping someone could love me this much, to vow to spend the rest of their life with me. Wondering if there is really anyone out there who could love me that much. Years of reasons to doubt I could ever be that blessed. But it was more than that too.

It was seeing life in the light of Christ. It was questioning the promises He has for me. It was so desperately wanting to have someone to share this life with who loves Christ as much or more than I do. It was yearning for someone who wanted to commit to me in front of their friends, their family and our God. Since coming to Christ this has become something very important to me. It's absolutely necessary. I know without a doubt that I need a man who has a heart for God more than he has a heart for me. It is vital to having a healthy, happy relationship to set the foundation of generations to come. It just has to be.

All this thinking really broke me down. Satan is a sneaky, no good, bum. He took what was meant to be a joyous moment and made me sad. I didn't let it affect me that day too much but less than 2 days later it felt catastrophic. Suddenly everything that never worked out in the past became an indicator of my life to come. I hate myself for feeling that way. I still knew God's promises were true but suddenly it didn't felt they were meant for me. In this moment I viewed my life with Christ in the past 7 months as if nothing had changed in me.

On Monday, since we were still in town, we visited a cemetery. I don't know what you know about cemeteries down here but they are all above ground tombs. Something that has to be done because they are below sea level. Let me tell you, it is eerie beyond belief. It was far more ominous than any cemetery I had been to up north. Walking through this cemetery everything was dilapidated, overgrown, and in some cases there were even holes in the tombs where you could almost see inside. Death was literally within inches from where I stood.

It causes you to really reflect on life. Which normally would be a motivator to make the most of life because you never know when it will be your time. But I was in such a glum mood already that it just made things worse. I thought about my parents dying at such a young age. I thought about the age I am now and realize that if my lifeline is determined by theirs then I might only have 10 years or so left. Holy heck, that's depressing. 

Dreams of getting married seemed smaller than anything now. Forget having babies and seeing them graduate. Or seeing their babies get married and have babies! I know, I know...my mind goes there. [I can see you looking at me disapprovingly over my crazy thoughts!] Up until this point I always hoped it was my parents poor health and my determination to take better care of myself that would allow me to live a longer life. But since my good friend recently died no older than they were and she was in good health...it just makes me wonder.

Flash forward. A lot of contemplation. A lot of feeling like my story is already written. That my future is no different than the past I left behind. It really hit me hard. Something that started out so beautiful made a turn for detrimental. Ashamed to say, I actually thought about turning back. Turning away from how far (I hope) I've come these past 7 months. I believed momentarily that it wouldn't make a difference. Thank you God that someone helped talk me out of that nonsense.

And in what perfect timing. This weekend I can celebrate the life I'm going to have because of His love for me. That God so loved me that he gave his only son to die, so that if I shall believe in Him I shall not perish but have eternal life. Talk about a love story that overcomes death's glare.

I have read quite a few posts about this weekend. That Good Friday was such a sad day for the disciples who didn't know which way to turn after losing their beloved Savior. That Saturday was a continuance of the disappearing hope and belief that there was anything left to live for, not knowing the joy that was coming on Sunday.

I'm definitely in this season of Saturdays. Oh, am I ever. Doubt, confusion, grief, loneliness, disbelief. Yup. I have felt it all. But praise God. Because Sunday is coming. Sunday crushes Satan. Sunday delivers on the promises of a brighter day. Sunday is the day I wait in anticipation for.


How wonderful. That because Jesus loves me I have this promise for my future and for hope. I always thought that was awe-inspiring, I would be happy with the promise of a future, but he promises hope too. He just pours out his promises for blessings. I can put it in my planner and wait for the confirmed date. It's coming. Because Jesus' love bears all things - he took my deadly sins and gave me life. His love believes all things - if I believe in Him and His promises then all things are possible! His love hopes all things - I have a reason to rejoice, I have hope and a promise for a future. Jesus' love endures all things - AMEN. Praise God that his love endures forever. That even though I have been living in Fridays and Saturdays that nothing I do, say or feel can turn his love from me. What a beautiful love story.

His love never ends. Hallelujah.


Love,
S

Restoration Project - Overcoming Fear

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you." Ezekial 36:26

Walking in God’s promises really is life changing. There's so many aspects of my heart that have been transformed into something new and I hope to share as much of that as possible in the future. One of the struggles I have had to overcome was my intense sense of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear that screams "You're 31 and single!" - "All your friends are married and now having children!" - "When will you find the career path that's right for you?" - "When are you going to do something with your life?" Crazy, intense, fear.

It's easy to look at the way things panned out. See the mistakes I made highlighted as if made for a blooper reel that is stuck on repeat. It's even easier to believe that the things of the past have total control over what the future holds. But that was the old heart. That was before I found out the Truth.

Even though you may not realize it, God is using this pain for good. James 1:2 tells us “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds.” Because of this statement friends, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God” Romans 8:28.

You might ask how I could even rely on this as my hope? How these simple scriptures can change an outlook. If you are, then I’m glad, because this is the point I’m trying to get to. Even before I was a follower of Jesus, I always believed that everything happened for a reason. Without a doubt in my mind I could always look back and see how the pieces fit and why certain things had to happen the way they did. What my Savior has shown me is that I can also look ahead to see how the pieces will fit. He may or may not show me His plan, most of the time it will still be unknown. But we know that He works all things together for our good. We know that He’s seen our steps and already walked with us down every path before we even set out to walk.

Because of this fact we can consider it pure joy when facing our trials in this life, knowing that there is a purpose. That everything happens for a reason. Knowing that God is not only walking with us, but that he paved the way before us. He also promises that because of our pain He will bless us.

It’s in these trials He has given me this new promised heart and spirit. It hasn't been quick. Some days have been agonizingly slow and painful. Satan knows the Lord is working and so he will put any obstacle in my way to send me back to my former, comfortable self.

It is a blessing to say that I finally feel I’m over the breaking point. I wish I could give specifics that could show you just how my heart has been transformed. Having a new heart changes your attitude, it changes your reactions, it changes your thoughts, it changes your emotions, it changes your outlook, it changes your beliefs, and it changes you.

I've noticed a significant change in the way that I handle stressful situations as opposed to my old self. In the past immediately anxiety would creep up, I would be overwhelmed, panicky, and sometimes start crying because I just “couldn't deal” with it. Now when a stressful situation arises I find that more often than not I go to God first. I give it to Him and try not to think about the things in the future that I cannot control. I approach the matter with more of a sense of calm. But most importantly, I approach the situation with a hope rather than defeat. That has made all the difference in the world.

A dear friend gave me a book she owned for years and read countless times. It’s called 'Hinds Feet on High Places.' It’s about a young girl named Much-Afraid who journeys into the wilderness to ascend a mountain to the highest place where her enemies cannot harm her. She is handicapped and has relatives whose last name is Fear. She takes this journey at the promise of the Shepherd who vows to take her to the high places, to remove her lameness and give her feet like deer. This book really is incredible if you haven’t read it, I recommend it. The story outlines the journey each of us takes in our own lives [it may not sound like it would, you'll just have to trust me].

I marked off a spot in this book that I believe speaks to how we should deal with the unknown future. When I’m dealing with a situation that I think will affect the course of my life I can’t help but think of the worst case scenarios. It’s just always been what I do. When you are accustomed to bad things happening you begin to expect them. So this is a command that I've really taken to heart and tried to apply as much as possible.

“Much-Afraid, don’t ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is.”

What does the Shepherd mean that we will walk with fear in a place where no fear is? It means there is no fear in God. To try to predict the potential destruction of our future robs us from our trust in God and leaves us alone to worry. We cannot be both fearful and trusting in God. It just doesn't work that way. It's like oil and vinegar. They do not mix well.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 God did not create us to have fear. This is man-made, learned behavior. Our past experiences taught us to fear the future ones. Friends and family who constantly worry helped develop our fear. Watch the news for a half hour and try not to be fearful or worrisome about something. But in God we do not have to be prisoners to fear. God has given us a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. 

Like Much-Afraid I’ve often predicted an alternative ending to how things actually happened. My imagination was always so much worse than how things turned out. Reminds me of lyrics from one of Sara's songs, "I miss the days that my mind would just rest quiet. My imagination hadn't turned on me yet." This is exactly what happens when our minds start racing. Our imaginations can literally destroy our hearts, allowing fear of the unknown to take over. Our “enemies” lurk everywhere waiting to grab hold of our earthly imagination. These enemies are not always people but can be situations, a bad diagnosis, an extremely low bank balance, talk of worldly affairs, and even someone else’s fear. We need to seek to get back to what we were born with. A mind that would just rest quiet.

I wanted to end with this well known quote from Franklin D Roosevelt's first inaugural speech;

"Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." 

Friends, this is powerful. If you've never stopped to think about this statement, do it with me now. The only thing to be fearful of is the fleshly nature to be fearful, which occurs when we take our eyes off of the Creator who is in control. This fear paralyzes us where we are. It stops us from advancing forward in our lives. It catches a hold on us and does not let us go.

This is one place that I've felt transformed. Where I've been given a “new spirit” along with my transformed heart. It is a diligent effort to not let my thoughts run wild instilling fear into my heart. How about you? If you are walking with fear, trembling and agony then it’s time to ask God for help. Let Him take away the fear. Let Him be your comforter and your restorer. Ask Him to allow your mind to just rest quiet so that you can advance into your future with hopeful expectation.

Love,
S