Stripped

This post is part of the SheReadsTruth weekly share series. 

This week we are meditating and studying 1 Corinthians 2:1-5

And I, brethren, when I came to you, did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony of God. For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling. And my speech and my preaching were not with persuasive words of human wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

Stripped down to the bones. Honest and true. That's how Paul presented himself to the people of Corinth. So that through his rawness they could see not what a man of God he was, but what a God of men He is.

Just, wow. I have not been playing this same role at all.
I have done things quite the opposite really.

I don't come from a religious background. This journey has really been a series of me stumbling over my own self day after day. Recently, I have been trying to get the most out of each verse I encounter. I hold the words in my hands for a few minutes, molding them back and forth from hand to hand trying to see if it fits me. If there's something God is trying to tell me. I assume each word that comes across must be directed at me. I realize lately that this may not be the case. The results have been pretty detrimental to my progress. Or at least I personally think so.

You see, anytime the word of God is stern, I assume God is upset with me. That I'm not understanding fast enough, that I'm not smart enough to speak on his words, or that He's fed up with trying to get me to see things His way. It's exhausting. Some days, especially lately, I feel like I'm on this journey alone. While I know that's not the case, some days I just want a constant in my life that I can bounce ideas off of. Someone who is going to assure me that what I believe I understood is not crazy.

I know it seems needy of me. To want and need constant assurance. Let me get a little gritty with you so you can understand why this is; I did not grow up in a loving household. In fact, it was quite the opposite. It was violent. Most days ended in tears, some started that way. There was physical and emotional abuse. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough. Even if I did something that I felt excited about, my dad would find something else I did wrong. There was yelling and beatings and I really, really, just wanted to die. After all, if you can't do anything right, if you can't make anyone happy and you don't feel loved, what's the purpose?

He had told me that no one was ever going to love me. That I didn't deserve anything nice. One year for Valentines day my parents bought me a 14k gold heart necklace. I must have been about 10 years old. The chain was so thin and eventually became a tangled mess. You know how that goes, the more you try to fix it, the worse it gets. Too afraid to tell my father, I just kept trying to fix it myself. Eventually it broke from all of my trying. (Feels like the story of my life). He specifically told me I was not worthy of having anything nice and he vowed never again to buy me a piece of jewelry. Fast forward to the first and only piece of jewelry a guy ever bought me. Valentines day. Pretty diamond earrings. I felt so loved. Felt like my father was wrong after all. Well, guess what? I left them on the dresser of our hotel when we left to come home from a trip. I've lived with the regret of this for years. It just seems like maybe my father was right. My track record is 0-2.

I also think of how I tried to fix my moms broken heart by convincing her not to live in custody anymore. To make the move to break free. Even though my mom eventually went through with the divorce, it didn't fix things. She suffered wicked depression, anxiety, and heartache. Like my father, she was an alcoholic. She was terrified of this world. Her only reprieve was drinking and listening to music. We spent so many late nights in the emergency room or being checked in to psychiatric care. Try as I might, I could not make her happy. She died 9 years ago as well. There are so many feelings, emotions, things I just cannot describe to you right now.

So here we are in 2014. I am living with the same fear, rejection, hurt, negative impression of myself as I was living all those years ago. I have spent countless hours just crying and crying. I've been in some pretty dark and scary places. Places I'm sure my parents frequented. You would think I would have been released back in 2005 from the emotional and physical pain. As much as it hurt(s) to lose my parents, I did have this selfish and gross sense of relief. But the pain didn't go away. The damage was already done.

There are days I think I've finally made it to the point where my past does not define me anymore. However, lately it seems like I'm living with the same fear, minus the physical abuse. I have felt like a failure. I feel like the people I most care about, I have let down continuously. I have one particular friendship that is on the rocks and it's absolutely devastating to me. I am a fixer. I want to fix things. But as you can see, I tend to do more damage than good.

I really wanted the glory of God to wash away all my pain. To make it better. I guess I wanted a fairy tale ending. I wanted my obedience to God to produce fruit in other areas of my life. I wanted to be blessed for my willpower and my desire for Him. I believe one day I will be, but I'm tired of feeling unworthy now. I remember at one point I believed God loved me. Then I had a thought that took that away. While I still believe He loves me, I no longer feel special. I realized if He loves us all equally and there's no one out there who thinks of me as the love of their life then really I'm just the same I was before I found God. There's no one that I mean more to than someone else in this world. Though I have had moments of absolute awe, the day to day, minute by minute is still an absolute struggle. Some days I even feel like I'm moving backwards. I don't feel worthy of testifying to His love.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because of this verse. Because of the spot where I'm standing today. See, I've been trying to be something incredible. I wanted to leave a lasting impression on God's great glory. I wanted everyone to see how powerful and great He is. But I have failed. Time and time again. But Paul was the opposite. He was raw and dependent on God, just as I am today. He was weak and fearful, as I am. He did not speak eloquently, but very simply. He was not persuasive. Instead, because of his simplicity others were able to see how powerful God was. Because our faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God. Paul did the opposite of what I've been trying to do.

I said I didn't want to continue to try to apply every verse to my life. But in this case and point I think I need to. So here's my honesty. My rawness. My hurt. I pray that others can see His power through my weakness. Just as with Paul. That I can be as stripped down as Paul was while I continue to pursue His will for my life. I don't have all the answers. I could try to find some deeper poetic meaning here. But I'm not going to do that now. If God wants to show Himself through this confession then He will.

Perhaps this place is right where God wanted me. Facing my past before I focus on my future. Maybe He just wanted me to know it's okay to not have all the answers. That He will speak to me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. But most importantly, He can still reach others even though my understanding is minimal. Who knows, maybe right now someone can hear Him loud and clear. I pray that is true.

Hopefully one day I will know that 'crazy about you' love. I hope one day I feel differently. I pray one day I can see where I stopped living out the words my father spoke into my life and where instead I followed the words my Heavenly Father speaks into my life. 

Love,
S

Spiritual Endurance

 

First of all, quick hello to the lovely ladies from SheReadsTruth! For those of you not familiar with this group, check them out! You won't be disappointed. 

This week's study has us meditating and confessing. We are reflecting on Joshua 1:8-9.

To begin, I have a confession. I did not plan for this but in keeping with my honesty with you all, I am afraid I might not be in the best frame of mind to completely receive God's word. Which is kind of ironic considering the verse we are studying. You'll see what I mean. And if you read to the end you can see just how He always shows up when you seek Him. Even while writing a blog post after you just confessed you just might not have what it takes to fully understand today. 

This is a verse that I've heard a ton of times before today. I have a scripture wall in my bedroom that I started, it helps me memorize the verses and to see them right before I run out my bedroom door. Whether I'm off to start my day or to venture out one more time, they are always encouraging and helpful.

The funny thing about this verse is I never saw it like I did tonight. I never really tried to find more to what "meets the eye." Yet, there's definitely further meaning here.

Joshua is instructed to be strong and of good courage. What does that mean? Well, I think the strong here is not necessarily referring to lifting weights at the gym. In our daily life we take on feats that we could only do had we been "working out." Verse eight tells us how to be strong;

"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success."

Less talking, more doing. Meditating on the word of God is how we strengthen our spiritual being. And this is where that God humor comes in. I have been extremely busy the past few weeks and have spent significantly less time reading the bible then I would like to admit. The strange thing is, I feel it in my soul. I have been worn down, weak, hurt, stressed, exhausted... so not the vision of strength God commands from me. But when I read the word, when I spend time soaking it all in, it transforms me. My day gets brighter, my patience lasts longer, I am blessed with an abundance of grace, and I can take on the worries of the world a little easier. Keep reading and you'll see His grace before your very eyes!

Meditating on the word turns my ways into His ways. When I study the word I am more apt to carefully make decisions rather than let my flesh (emotions, good mood vs bad mood, wants and desires) take charge. I'm an emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's a big part of what I've tried to overcome. I see where this has caused friction in the past and I think it's just so ugly to live that way. When I'm allowing my emotions (hurt, anger, sadness) to rule, I don't even want to be near me.

Using discernment means my decisions are faith based and even if I still make the wrong choice, at least I would have done so based on prayer. There's less room for regret in these cases, even when we're wrong. Hard to regret that which you mulled over in prayer, as opposed to the rash decision that changes things forever. Meditation leads to better choices and better choices leads to us being prosperous and successful.

What I love the most is what comes next though; It's the encouragement God gives because he knows there will be moments where we go from victorious warrior to doubtful onlooker.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

When we believe we heard and understood God, and when we choose to obey based on our belief, it can begin to look or feel like we made the wrong decision. With waiting comes doubt; did I understand God speaking to me? Was it all in my head? Maybe it was my desire and not God's. If it's taking this long I surely misunderstood. If I figured it out I wouldn't still have this daily struggle. Just because we hear God doesn't mean everything immediately comes to pass.

Our faith can waver like a flag in the wind on a dark night. Because of the darkness the flag can be hard to see and sometimes the wind blows it so hard it seems like it may fray to pieces. Other times our faith is more like the wind where we can't see it at all but only feel it. We can't touch it but it touches us. Even in the darkness we can feel it, we can hear it and it has the power to move us. God restores that faith that can move us with this statement to Joshua. He gives us something to wait for with expectant hope.

I would like to imagine the angel of God's army fighting satan to get to me. The way that he did for Daniel. That God has already answered my prayer, He's just fighting tooth and nail for every ounce of blessing that He wants me to receive. The message God gave to Daniel is very similar to our passage now;

"Pay attention to my words. Stand up, because I’ve been sent to you. Don’t be afraid, Daniel. God has heard everything that you said ever since the first day you decided to humble yourself in front of your God so that you could learn to understand things. I have come in response to your prayer."

When Daniel fell to his knees, unable to speak, through the angel he once again heard affirmation;

He said, “Don’t be afraid. You are highly respected. Everything is alright! Be strong! Be strong!”

Before you continue, reread those scriptures and input your name in place of Daniel. Anyone else wowed? As if there are a crowd of angels in heaven looking on and cheering for you!

I find remarkable similarities between these two scriptures. God doesn't repeat things just because He has nothing else to say. He repeats them so that we can meditate on them. Less talking about the word and more hearing it. We can't listen well when we're talking. Studying God's word is the same, there's time for prayer and there's time to be silent.

I love that in both scriptures God says to "Pay attention to my words" (meditate on it day and night) and "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not by dismayed." (don't be afraid, everything is alright, be strong!)

Here's that abundance of grace I mentioned at the beginning; Until I was looking up the scripture on Daniel to reread it, I didn't remember the things the angel spoke to Daniel. I simply remembered the fact that the angel was fighting to get to him. The fact that we are studying almost the same conversation with a different person from the bible tells me that God really wanted my attention on this one. This is what spending time in the word does for you. After confessing my weakness, he gave me strength. Amazing grace.

Let's remain strong. Let's keep focused on his word. Let's not be dismayed when things don't go our way quickly. It doesn't mean we didn't hear God, it just means He's still working on it. All great works of art take time to create. You are not a dot on a canvas to hang in a museum. Your bigger picture is a work in progress that one day God will hang in his hall of fame and say, "I made her!" and she is perfect and complete!

Love,
S

Jonah - Part Two

A quick hello to all my She Reads [Shares!] Truth ladies who are joining me from the weekly blog share!
For anyone who is not familiar with SheReadsTruth, please check them out!



We meet our friend Jonah in chapter three as he finally goes to Nineveh to deliver God's word to the wicked city. When we left him in chapter two he was repenting to the Lord and singing praises to his name. His last verse in chapter two states "Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed, I will make good. I will say 'Salvation comes from the Lord."

This is the point where God tells the giant fish to spit Jonah out onto dry land. What a lucky guy! Three days in a fish in the sea and he can live to tell the story. So he learns his lesson, no more running - he immediately goes to Nineveh to deliver the message from God.

Upon hearing the doom that will become of them, the entire city repents, fasts, vows and sacrifices to the Lord. They do nothing else but these things in hope that God will have mercy on them. They realize their evil ways and seek to undo God's plan.

Let me tell you a secret, God is a compassionate God. If you have sinned and ask for forgiveness, truly being sorry for your sins, God is bound to forgive you. Everyone should learn that truth. Even Jonah who in chapter two says "Salvation comes from The Lord." The very first time Jonah proclaims the message, the entire city did a one-eighty. They didn't waste time, didn't need to hear the message a second time. God, who can search anyone's heart and know their sincerity, has compassion and relents from his anger and does not deliver the suffering He promised.

So naturally Jonah is happy right? He was so fearful to deliver the message - but he finally gave in. Now the Lord isn't even going to be angry anymore! But now Jonah is angry... wait, what?! Talk about dramatic. He says to The Lord "Isn't this what I said, Lord, when I was still at home? That is what I tried to forestall by fleeing to Tarshish. I knew that you were a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity." Okay.... So?? "Now, Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live." Okay... seriously? How old are we?

Is anyone else completely frustrated with Jonah at this point? I mean, first of all, he's angry at God for showing compassion to the most wicked city when they truly made good to change their ways. What Jonah doesn't see is that even though he's not known as wicked and evil like the city of Nineveh, the Lord has been just as gracious to him. They threw him into a raging sea for crying out loud! He should have already been dead, but God provided a miracle unlike anything ever told before and Jonah survives thanks to God's great mercy. The same mercy Jonah was praising at the end of chapter two.

Furthermore, shouldn't he be happy that thanks to his willingness to listen to God a city of people have now been saved? How awesome is that?! That God could deliver a message through one man that saves one hundred and twenty thousand people! Isn't this the point of everything we are taught through His word? To teach others about the love of God and pray that they may seek Him and love Him as well? The more the merrier, right?!

I really don't know what his problem is. However, don't we all know someone like this? You cannot please some people. Not even if you are the Almighty God. Jonah wishing he was dead instead of the Lord having compassion on others? Self-centered DRAMA. Of course God tries to put him in his place by responding "Is it right for you to be angry?" .. I guess I couldn't have said it better myself!

But the story does not end here.. God still is trying to show Jonah His love even though Jonah is being completely ridiculous. Because that's what our Heavenly Father does for us. Jonah seeks out shelter close enough to the city to wait "to see what would happen to the city." So even though Jonah is still in his mood swing God shows grace, making a plant that grew over Jonah's head to provide him shade while he throws his tantrum. Finally, something makes Jonah happy again! [Of course, since it's "All About Jonah!" quick, somebody get this guy his own reality show!]

That is until the next day when God sent a worm to destroy the plant and the sun to scorch Jonah's head until he grew faint! The point God was trying to prove is that there are more important things to care for than a plant. That surely humankind should receive more compassion than this plant. And as a humble reminder, Jonah didn't have anything to do with either the plant or the city prospering or not. This is not about him. This is about God.

But of course, our friend Jonah is still angry and again wishes he were dead. I wonder if at any point God considers just letting him die by the raging sea. But then I realize if He did that, Nineveh wouldn't have been saved. That's the mercy of God. He sees our drama and doesn't stop the lesson.

God says to Jonah, "Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?" Once again, couldn't have said it better myself. Jonah replies, "It is, I'm so angry I wish I were dead."

Really. Super. Frustrating. How can someone who hears from God so clearly not understand a thing God is doing? The final thing the Lord says is "You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend to it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left - and also many animals?"

That's it. That's the final line of this chapter. The story just ends abruptly. God has the last word. We don't know Jonah's response. We don't know what happened to Jonah. He's not found anywhere else in the bible. His ending is a mystery. Maybe God let him die. Maybe God sent him to an island to live by himself for the rest of his life. I'm guessing it was not anything Jonah deserved by my standards. But instead, by God's love, I bet He continued to try to teach Jonah what a great thing this was. So what can we possibly learn from this short story? This quick ending?

God is compassionate.
He is in control, not us.
We do not get to tell Him what to do.
God will not stop pursuing us.
Furthermore, we can't avoid His calling or transfer it to someone else.
We can be angry for His compassion on sinners, but there's a word for that called hypocrisy.
There will be times when we don't understand, but God does.
We should seek understanding, not anger.
Our bad attitude can become an idol that blocks God's love.

Never once did we hear Jonah ask God why He was showing compassion on such an evil city. Perhaps if he asked, God would have told him at that time. Yet, although Jonah didn't ask, God still did a show and tell. He gave a physical example of His spiritual grace.

Jonah's stance became his idol. He would not let go of his anger, no matter how the Lord tried to change his heart. In his own words Jonah proclaimed the one thing that would turn him from God's love. "Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them." We cannot have hatred in our heart and receive love at the same time. "Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen." 1 John 4:20. Because of Jonah's inability to love the city which repented and turned to God, he could not receive God's love. His anger, jealousy, hatred, and bitterness were literally blocking the beams of light God was trying to shine into him.

Perhaps we're in our own dark place. We can't understand God showing mercy to certain people. Maybe these people have hurt us personally so it leaves our hearts tender and raw. Let's choose not to react like Jonah. Let's choose to ask for discernment. Let us remember the many times God has been gracious to us when we didn't deserve it. Let's not speak so dramatically negative that our story ends abruptly. Let's seek His graciousness in our own lives and be thankful that He is gracious to all sinners - not select sinners. These are our brothers and sisters and anyone who is for the Lord is on our side. We cannot love God until we've removed our negative attitudes towards others. Let us not react like Jonah did but how we would assume Nineveh did. With songs of praise, glory to His Highest, and love for one another.

Because Jonah had it right the first time, "Salvation comes from the Lord."

Love,
S

Jonah - Part One

I follow along with this great online community called SheReadsTruth. It's been wonderful to study besides this group of women. Recently they began doing blog shares on Fridays. This is where all the lovely ladies of She Reads Truth can link to their blog on whatever passage we've been studying. 


We are studying Jonah. You know him, the prophet who ended up in the whale. Maybe like me, you don't know how he got there. Maybe even like me, until recently you didn't even realize this was a bible story!

Some quick things to catch you up (this is a super short book, only 3 or so pages- take a read if you never have). Jonah heard the voice of God telling him to travel to Nineveh to tell the people pretty much that God was angry at them. Johah, terrified of the wicked city instead got on a boat and took off in the opposite direction! What I find interesting is that they call out that he paid the fare to get on the boat away "from the presence of The Lord"... He actually paid money to run away from God's calling. I wonder if I've ever done something like that unknowingly.

On the trip to Tarshish on this boat we find Jonah peacefully sleeping while a wicked sea storm is rising. He must have been pretty content thinking that The Lord would just pick someone else to go to Nineveh instead. But God doesn't really work that way.

What I love most about this story, maybe more than Jonah's repentance later on, is the fact that while Jonah was rebelling, God was meeting new people. Here in this story it says that "Every man on the boat cried out to his god" for relief from the storm. When the gods of these men didn't respond they awoke Jonah and told him "Arise, call on your God; perhaps your God will consider us, so that we may not perish." Suddenly, these men seem to be willing to put their faith in anything that would work.

Jonah confesses that he was running from The Lord. He knows this is exactly why the storm is happening and tells the men to throw him overboard so they can be saved from God's wrath. The men who were now afraid of God and not wanting to kill Jonah tried to row to land, but the storm continued to worsen.

The next thing is quite amazing. We see these men call out to God themselves! Subliminally here I see that they are declaring God's sovereignty, admitting He is the one in control.  "We pray, O Lord, please do not let us perish for this man's life, and do not charge us with innocent blood; for You, O Lord, have done as it pleases You." After this prayer they throw Jonah overboard where the storm immediately stopped. (Jonah as you know, ends up in the belly of the fish). Because of the storms immediate calm the men feared The Lord exceedingly, and offered a sacrifice to the Lord and took vows.

How incredible. Because of one man's attempt to run God was able to call more people to himself. Remember at the beginning of this story that every man had his own god. Now not only are they declaring He's sovereign, they are offering Him sacrifices and making vows to Him! In less than maybe an hour The Lord had reached men that He may not have reached if Jonah had obeyed. There truly is beauty in God knowing our every step, even when it's the wrong one. This story is a perfect example that He works all things together for good.

I can see examples of this in my own life, where I took the wrong step or went down the wrong path and God still provided blessings. The joy of God is that He sees our steps before we take them so He has so intricately woven in blessings even when we're on the wrong path. He never leaves us. Amen for that.

How about you? Have you ever felt God working even when you know you didn't do what you were called to do?

Love,
S