& the Truth Will Set You Free

So Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." John 8:31-32

Lately it's been a battle. A battle between truth and what I've believed up until this point. It's so easy for everyone to say "speak truth over yourself." But one thing I've realized lately is that the truth is the opposite of what I have believed and that's a hard thing to deal with. It's not as simple as just doing it. It's a process to learn to believe it. I feel called to speak truth here. I've been pouring out my heart and being honest with my emotions and feelings. Yet, those aren't always in line with the truth.

Truth is, it's messy. Truth is, it's holding me back.

I don't want to unearth all these things that are true, but His word promises it will set me free.

Maybe it will set others free too. Those of us who hold ourselves captive under the stronghold of fear and guilt. Because the greater picture is always so much more than we can see while we're in the midst of the storm. Our visibility dramatically decreases and all we can see are the wrongs, all we can do is assume a reason for the unknown, all we can do is cling to hope in the One who can rescue us from the storms of life.

This is a big time project. This isn't going to happen overnight in one blog post but rather in bits and pieces over the course of the coming weeks and maybe months. Honestly, I'm not sure how long it will take. As I unearth each of these truths I know it's going to completely shake me. It's going to break me and change me and it's going to hurt a lot. But that hurt is going to bring the healing. It needs to happen. It's been far too long that I've lived with the lies. Lies that have twisted themselves with lies from my childhood that I have grown to believe.

I don't want to get too far into this now. No. Each issue has it's own place. This is just to say that this is where I am. This is the direction God is leading me and I'm following because I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep holding the hurt and hoping for healing when there are truths that I need to be convinced apply to me. I hope it helps others too. I really do. Because we are free from our chains. That redemption has occurred already when Jesus died on the cross for us and gave us eternal life with God. We are no longer under the law, staring at our sin dead on. We are made perfect and whole in the image of Christ and it's time we start living like it.

I'm ready to be free and I'd love you to join me.

You split the sea, so I could walk right through it.

All my fears were drowned in perfect love.

You rescued me so I could stand and sing.

I'm no longer a slave to fear.

I am a child of God.

- Bethel Music, No Longer Slaves 

Catch My Breath

What a crazy few months it's been. Really since the start of January I've been running this race just trying not to lose my breath. I feel like I need to post on so many different things, all at the same time. But I'm not going to do that. You're welcome.

What I do want to talk about is where I am. Literally and figuratively.

Literally, I finally was able to find a place. I really still can't believe it, but my move is over! I didn't move far, just 15 minutes from my last place. The move itself was unlike any other. I'm still in utter disbelief, awe, and gratitude for all the help I received. The move was the smoothest and quickest I've ever had.

My new apartment feels safe. This place feels like where I need to be right now. There were thoughts and moments where I thought I might move back to my old neck of the woods. Seeing that I can't drive through my old town without breaking down in tears told me I'm not ready at all to be there.

I thought about moving closer to my grandmother. A halfway point between my old life and my recent life. Yet, as I considered the proximity that would put me in, the likeliness for a run-in in mutual shopping centers and restaurants was almost scarier than moving directly to the source of pain itself.

I may or may not share in another post all the things that happened or didn't happen that lead me to ultimately choose where I am living now. All I can confirm is that God directed me to this safe place. A place where I can learn who I really am without the distractions of who I used to be. A place where I can be free to explore hopes and dreams that I never realized could have potential to become real life.

And this is where I am figuratively. Balancing between the person I've always known and embracing the new creation that He is making me. I can honestly say, a year ago I knew His promise was that anything in Christ is new - I embraced that thought with all I could. But now, after walking for over a year in the valley and learning to trust Him - I'm finally starting to see it.

I'm excited to share what's been happening and a little hesitant too. Giving voice to the things of the deep that have never seen light has an unknown outcome. I worry that it will change things but also I worry that not saying anything will hold me back from my potential.

Still healing from a wound that has scarred me deeply, I realize I'm standing in a whole new world, full of opportunities. So for now I teeter between the two in order to gain my footing to see just where I've landed.


Xo,
S

Work Hard, Sabbath Hard

Far be it for me to not believe even when my eyes can't see

and this mountain that's in front of me will be thrown into the midst of the sea...

so let go my soul and trust in Him.
The wind and waves still know His name.

-Bethel, It Is Well

You might remember that back in October I posted about a retreat I signed up for. Really at the time I just desired nothing more than to find refuge in the quiet stillness of nature before the Lord. I was feeling exhausted and in need of rest. Days before I heard about the Return to Rest Retreat I almost booked my own retreat in the woods. In a way that only God could do He provided rest in a much more profound way than I would have found on my own.

I'm still processing all of this, really. But it has totally changed my past week and I expect it will continue to change me for a long time. We talked a lot about rest and how rest is just as glorifying and honorable to God as work is.

On the first day at our retreat one of our questions during our quiet time was "What is burdening or worrying me now?" In my journal I wrote things that I am not even sure if I realized had been burdening me. Some of the things I listed, work - being unhappy and unfocused, feeling lonely and isolated, always so busy - no time to slow down - if I rest I feel really lazy and guilty, being unmotivated to take care of myself.

I could write a whole blog series on everything that changed for me at RTR but it's my burdens that God showed me how to remove that has most changed this past week. At work I've been really struggling to focus and to apply myself. I have not felt fulfilled. I come home and immediately switch into my comfy clothes and pretty much crash on the couch. Not having energy to do much besides scroll my social media feed. I didn't realize it but these behaviors have really been weighing me down.

My eyes were opened during the retreat. No matter where I work, I should work diligently as I'm working for the Lord. Gosh, I know that! Why haven't I been doing that? We talked about how working hard allows us to rest hard on our Sabbath day. Because I've been doing just the bare minimum to get by, my rest was not fulfilling. I was overcome with feelings of guilt and "I should be doing this" and "I really need to do this" and the things I didn't do were building up and pressing on my heart. It was suffocating my rest.

Because we are made in the image of God we are to follow His example. God set the cadence of our week when He created the earth. He worked 6 days and rested on the 7th. God took this rest so serious that in the Old Testament there was a law that would put a person to death who worked on the Sabbath. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God....For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that is in them, but He rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. - Exodus 20:8-11

Honoring Sabbath is a sign that we are Gods people. We need to decide this is a priority and honor Gods word. We should not be prideful 'Who am I to think that I don't need to rest?' We need to make sure we are not putting ourselves above God.

How can I live in the tension of knowing work is valuable without making it an idol? How do I do this with anything? I must walk in the spirit. I need to use discernment and make time for rest. Which means working hard so I can purposefully rest. I need to plan to rest, put it in my calendar as a date with the Lord and then purposefully spend time with Him. If God is to be my number one relationship, He needs more of my time than any of my friends, any of my online endeavors, any of my dreams and hopes, and most certainly more than my work. As a Christian my work should look differently than the rest of the worlds. For me personally, I know that means giving more grace. To remain humble and keep the reminder that I'm only human too. Finally, not to let work run my life but instead to let God run my life.

I thank God for His new promises and for His new covenant with us. Because of Jesus we don't have be perfect at meeting rest. It's a reminder of grace. There will be a days that I mess up, in fact I already have. I've reminded myself in these moments that I belong to the Lord and that Jesus came as a salvation for me. It's about grace not perfection.

Rest is spirit, body and soul. To fully enter rest with the Lord and to feel satisfied in my rest, I need to allow all three of these things to find rest. Spiritual rest comes from repentance, a word which originated from the meaning to change ones mind on purpose. When I repent it's to do so with the intention of changing my habits on purpose so that I don't fall into the same place (though how often I still will!). Physical rest means giving myself a day off from working hard. Just like an athlete training for a marathon will take a day to let their muscles rest and heal, we need to do the same from our work. No matter what it is. Soul rest is tied to our emotions. Return O my soul to rest. We need to give ourselves a new outlook and perspective. Our soul needs rest to prepare for the eternal rest that we will one day have.

When I came home I found myself so rejuvenated. I have been working hard at work and at home. I've accomplished more than I could have imagined and my apartment has never looked cleaner! :) I am finding the upkeep is so refreshing. I'm sleeping so deeply at night and that's really life changing. Yesterday I spent about 5 hours just reading my bible and resting and it was so awesome. While most women went into this retreat needing to seek rest from their work, I came out finding that I needed to be working harder. I found new encouragement to want to do these things and my rest has been so much more fulfilling. It's the rest that I've been yearning and fighting for but never quite receiving. It's quite an amazing place of rest to be!

The ladies that I met were just the sweetest. It was really sad to leave, I drove home and wished that we all could have stayed together longer. Just as we were really starting to connect on a deeper level it was time to leave. I'm so incredibly blessed. Beyond words. I have cried just thanking God for the opportunity. Truly my heart is so touched that I got to be part of this experience. I could write for days about how beautifully sweet it was. Nothing will ever take away these memories. It was such a beautiful experience. I have never felt so adored and loved by people who didn't know me as quickly as I did at this retreat. If you get a chance to go in the future, GO. But in the words of John Piper I will say no matter what you do, "Take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach His word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for."

I have turned a corner. I feel it in my soul. It's not because of the rest, but because of the experience. In my heart I know that I have made a step that will help pave the way in the future. I finally am starting to feel loved and cared for. I am realizing that there are people out there who like me and it's pretty big. I have put a lot of pressure on myself and some have come from outside sources as well. Words that I'm not enough, that I don't have any hope for a future, that if this guy could treat me this way with knowing what he did, then I must have deserved it. Finally my heart is starting to believe the truth, that these are just lies. I've known they are lies, yet never believed. Putting myself in this place with women I had never met before and not knowing if I would fit in, if I would have the right words to say, or if I would interpret the messages the same way as everyone else really scared me. I didn't feel adequate enough, but God is peeling back those layers of hurt slowly and showing me that I can fit in. That I'm appreciated and I can speak into others hurt just as well as they can speak into mine. It doesn't matter how I interpret the messages because what I'm hearing is what God is speaking directly into me.

I'm so ready for this new beginning. To see the chains broken off that I've carried for 32 years. I'm ready for the life that God promises me. His goodness that will be so much more than I can hope or imagine. Here's to working hard so I can unfold those plans He has for me. Here's to resting hard so I can find the rejuvenation to keep going. Here's to working hard so I can Sabbath hard!

 "Rest is sweeter when you work hard."

-Nancy Ray

here's a few places to check out the retreat. :)

returntorest.com // @returntorest

part three; these dreams, goal setting

Spare a little candle, save some light for me.

So I go head first into 2015. Into the next ten years if I have them. Perhaps understanding even more so today than I did back then just how short life is. I think of my parents, 44 and 41, when they died. What if I only have that long? I hate when people say that's not true, we had different lifestyles, they had health issues.... because the fact of the matter is that I don't have to have something wrong before I die. I could get into a car accident, I could develop a rare unknown disease, I could die in a fire. Who knows, but it's not always based on health.

Darkness on the edge, shadows where I stand.

What if I knew I only had 10 years left, just 3650 days left on my calendar? I started to think about this. I started to think about how at the end of one week it's only 3643 left. How after a month goes by it's only 3630. Suddenly the calendar is moving a lot faster than I realize. Is it worth it to sit watching tv? Scrolling on social media? All these things just filling up time. No, it's really not.

I search for the time on a watch with no hands.

I pray I have ten more years. I pray that if I get to be 44 that I can look back and know that I made my mom proud. It hurts like heck to know that at this point my mom has been gone for one-third of my life. It hurts even more to know that this fraction will only grow. I miss her like crazy and there are still days that I want to pick up the phone and call her and tell her something I heard. To hear her laugh one more time or see her smile one more time. These are the moments I want back.

Every moment I’m awake, the further I’m away.

So I want to be more intentional about how I spend my time. Choosing less time on social media and more time developing my skills. Whether I have 1 day left or 40 years, I don't want to waste it. I am ready to chase after my dreams. Chase after the things we always wished we could do and make it happen. I'm hopeful when I do things will start to change. I do it for the glory of God but knowing a part of me is carrying the heart of my mother, I do it for her, too.

Funny how your feet in dreams never touch the earth.

There’s something out there, I can’t resist.

[*lyrics, Heart, These Dreams]

part two; chasing the sun

You said, remember that life is not meant to be wasted. 

We can always be chasing the sun. 

So fill up your lungs and just run.  We can always be chasing the sun.

Lately I've been reflecting a lot. I'm beginning to realize how beautiful these traits are that I've inherited from my mother, these gifts from God that I love so much.

My love of music, despite having the musical knowledge of how to play an instrument. My mom and I always seemed to love the songs with the lyrics that reached into our souls. The songs that spoke volumes into our lives. The ones that seemed to notice us when the rest of the world didn’t. There are songs I love to this day that are simply because they get me. As if the songwriter knew and noticed a girl with a heart like mine. Many nights my mom would play her radio. While it sometimes drove a wedge through our relationship, I understand now why she did it. Because for 4 minutes, someone sang the words of her heart and she felt loved.

The love we shared of word puzzles and reading books. My mother could have won Wheel of Fortune a million times over. And, hello? Nancy Drew? Who doesn’t love a good mystery novel? Collecting recipes but never really making them (and her BEAUTIFUL handwriting that I wish I had half of, & before you disagree let me just say you’ve never seen her handwriting). Finding comfort in the sound of a rain storm or the ocean waves (so many memories).

There’s a history through her. Sent to us as a gift from the future, to show us the proof.

More than that, it’s to dare us to move. And to open our eyes and learn from the sky. 

Chasing the sun for a photograph before it sets for the day. Maybe one of my favorite memories. I wish I knew what photo it was, but I will never forget the day. The sun was setting and it was glorious. My mom drove home as fast as she could to grab her camera and we went down by the water to catch an amazing sunset. Only recently did I realize that I follow her footsteps perfectly when it comes to chasing the glory of the sky. I’ve always been enamored when I look up into the sky, whether during the day or at night. So much beauty that never repeats itself.

And perhaps the biggest of all the traits is my love for art.  My mom was an amazing artist. Like, really amazing. Not too long ago someone in the family told me that my artwork reminded them of my mothers and I just felt so moved by that. If you ask me, I don't come a close second to her. But I try. I don’t have any formal training and art wasn’t a thing when I was going to college like it is now. It was the same for my mother. But it’s always been my desire. It’s always been what gives me the greatest joy.

In all of this I've found a new hope. I've always wanted to be better. Graduate high school. Go to college and graduate there. Have a career. Few things left still, owning a home is one of them. So in a lot of ways I've always wanted to overcome the position in life that I was born into. We never had money, we didn't vacation, my parents didn't go to college, work was always just a way to get by. So in all of this, naturally I want to somehow be better, but that desire and the reasons have changed.

I want to do something with my art. I want to do something that would have made my mom proud. To give her a name for the name she gave me. To do something that she wished she could have done. How I want nothing more than her to be a part of that now. Her and I we could have gone into business. I could have seen her genuinely smile. For me that's what it was always all about. My heart hurt when my mom was having a tough time but oh, how I rejoiced when her spirits were lifted.

Just this week I got to do something I never ever dreamed. A few months back I started really asking God to use my gifts to bring Him glory. I wanted to use my art and my writing and my love to bless others. Then out of the blue I was asked if I would be willing to paint some pictures for a church plant that just opened this past weekend. I said yes, at times unsure if I was in over my head and beyond my skill level. But with a paintbrush and a lot of prayers I saw my art hung in church on Saturday. What a feeling, I can't believe it and I wish I could have shared this moment with my mother oh so much.

And the gift of my heartbeat sounds like a symphony. 

It’s these things. It’s these moments. When I see her artwork I’ve framed hanging on my wall. Knowing if there was a fire and I could only grab one thing, it would be her artwork. Hands down. She had so much talent but didn’t have the means to further that pursuit. If only she were here now. If only Etsy existed back then. If only.

In a lot of ways I don’t think she saw herself the way others saw her. A complication to a dream that held her back.  Gifted and talented. Beautiful. Bursting with life and love. A genuine sweet heart that would give unto others over herself time and time again. In so many ways, I see myself the same way my mother saw herself.

My prayer lately is that I can become the woman that God created me to be. That I could be confident in the way He sees me. That I could overcome the lies and the self-doubt and really just believe that I am capable of reaching so much more. Not to be ashamed to dream but to also put work into those dreams and bring them to life with God’s hand. Not to tear myself down but to let Him build me up.

[*lyrics, Chasing the Sun - Sara Bareilles]

part one; ten years, hope in the grace

January 28, a day I might never forget. Today marks the ten year anniversary since I've lost my mom. Calling it an anniversary sounds so cruel. Hardly a reason for me to celebrate. But that's what it is. A date on the calendar that will forever be marred by what would be the first of many life changing circumstances in 2005.

If you were to ask me what is the hardest part about being a Christian I would say it's this; I live by the bible because that is the truth. Jesus says in order for someone to get into heaven you must believe that He is the son of God and that He died for our sins so we can have eternal salvation. That brings a great deal of comfort when loved ones were saved but for me I struggle with this a lot. My mom didn't know about Jesus. I wish I could say she did so I could be confident that I would see her again.

I've prayed and asked God that He would have saved her anyways. Because of the love that He has for me that it could overflow into the ones that I love, namely my mom. If I think too long about this I just start crying. Because this part- it's not written in the bible. But God. But God who is so gracious. Yet, I know what Jesus said (John 11:25). My heart is torn. Recently someone said to me that Gods grace and mercy is beyond what we can understand. He has a plan for all of us. We cannot know what that plan is and who He chooses to save. But we can find comfort in the fact that He is a gracious God with a plan and a purpose. I pray, let it be so.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory forever and ever, Amen. – Ephesians 3:20

I know if I could tell my mom now that she would be open to hearing it. One of the beautiful traits I got from my mom was the desire to be connected on a deeper level to something beyond what our eyes can see. Oh, we talked about so many things together. Life after death, the infinite universe, and how your spirit stays when you go. While some of the things we often wondered about were far from Christianity, in a lot of ways we were searching after that One true thing. Gosh, so many questions we would ask have been answered in my bible. I just wish I could tell her.

I know that there is pain

Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?

No one can change your life except for you.

Don’t ever let anyone step all over you.

Just open your heart and your mind

Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Don’t you know, things can change.

Things’ll go your way.

If you hold on for one more day.

[wilson phillips, hold on.]

*i'll be sharing a few of my moms favorite songs (which means they're also mine) as well as a Sara song that reminds me of my mom each time I hear it. <3

In the Quiet

It wasn't supposed to be this way. I stand in the bathroom with my eyes closed listening to the rain that falls in sync with the tears that are falling. I miss it so much. The joy, the contentment, the quietness of having a partner by my side. This time of year has always been hard for me. Not just now in response to my most recent heartbreak. But always.

Each year I would hope with all my might that this season could change things. That for one day we could just be a family, that we could be happy. That dream never actualized, yet like a fool, I kept hoping year after year.

Now with my family broken apart what I'm missing most is having my best friend by my side. The one who would drive aimlessly but with direction around neighborhoods with houses I could never own. We would just look at the lights and I could feel the quietness of Christmas stirring in my soul. The hope, it still lingers. Year after year, I desperately hope that one year it will just feel like "it". I've had some pretty close moments. Gathered around with family and friends but something always feels missing.

This year is no different. If anything, this year is a lot harder. With my best friend gone it's hard to fathom even looking at the lights. But I still do. I still look at the twinkling lights and dream that there is a holiday out there for me, yet to come. That there is still hope, despite a very meek outlook.

I stand in the bathroom. Just stand. With my eyes close and I say to God, "It wasn't supposed to be this way." This is not my dream. My dream was so close. I felt it. Then it was gone. In a season where I don't understand for the life of me what happened, I'm at a loss for words. All I know is that this doesn't feel right. My heart shouldn't be hurting like this, but it does. My best friend wasn't supposed to become engaged to someone else, but he did. I wasn't supposed to be left to my own devices again, after all these years of hoping, praying and dreaming.

I was so close. I miss the nights. Hot chocolate in hand and gentle snow falling. Him by my side. Sometimes we drove in silence and other times we talked. But there was always a hush about it. Always something so close to perfect. Those drives were such a renewal for my heart. Such a hope for the hard times. Even if the world was falling apart, in those simple moments it was all okay.

I try to reproduce the moments on my own. Carefully. Aware that at any moment a thought could enter my mind that will derail my peace and send me into utter turmoil. It's happened so often. So I approach this season with all the caution I can muster. A season that has always been my favorite, despite being the most hurtful. How is that even possible? I guess it's a lot like seeing God in the most broken places. A lot like being hopeful despite the grim circumstances. A lot like saying thank you even though you don't agree.

I hope and pray that one year the pieces finally fall into place and all of these past experiences can come together to make one beautiful picture. Instead of leaving the past behind as so many are inclined to do, that I could gather it together with my present and my future and tie it in one beautiful bow. The kind of bow that needs two people to make it. One to hold it in place while the other loops it together. I pray this beautiful bow will tie all of my love, hurt, hope, expectations into one gift. The beautiful gift of life abundantly.