Friday, July 22, 2016
& We will sing of your goodness and mercy all of our days.
So there's a lot going on around here lately. A lot I haven't shared yet - and there are reasons for that. I would say over the course of the last six months God has been doing a mighty work in my life.
In the past few years, when my world was seemingly falling apart, I prayed for community. Not just a sense of community, but real life friends who would care as much about me as I do about them. Friends who ask questions to see into my heart and friends who share their heart with me.
It took years, but God has answered.
I've been doing some examining of my heart and realized there's a few reasons I haven't shared this good news with the world. But I also believe that as much as I can testify of how God was with me in the darkest moments of my life, so He is still with me and answering prayers when things aren't so heavy as well. Maybe it's even more important to share this news. I know without a doubt that God is with me when I'm not in a good place. There's peace, a sense of His comfort, that is not always as obvious when the sun is shinning and I'm singing Justin Timberlake in my car with the windows down.
I'm afraid if I speak out loud about what He's done, that I will somehow jinx it and this thing will be taken away. Or perhaps it won't be taken away, but it will fade away. I'll come to discover that it was never really as I thought it was. Lord knows, there have been a lot of moments in my life where I thought I had been on the receiving end of one of His promises only to find out that what I encountered was not for me to stay in. What if I speak these words and then things fall apart? Maybe it's better not to speak at all and not risk proving that once again I lost what I thought was for me.
I also feel that I haven't shared because I'm afraid to be open. When I was at my most broken, I could cry to most people and share my heart. Now that I'm actually sharing community with people that I consider my friends, it's scary to be open - because there's this sense that it could scare them away. There's obviously a deeper seeded issue in my heart that expects that people will come and go based on how well I behave or how dark my past is. What if I'm too much? What if I'm not enough? How do I become more without becoming too much?
Yet, in all of this, the greater more overpowering thought is this: God is good, always. He is for me which means that when I seek for Him to provide for me, that He is joyed to answer. All the ways this community came to be, could only be because of God's hand shaping and forming it just perfectly. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to be able to see life take shape and begin to unfurl in His perfect timing.
So I wanted to share this little glimpse about why I've been so quiet and what's really going on in this heart. To anyone that is struggling and longing for community, I say, keep praying and don't give up. I can testify that this is a prayer that God will answer.
As I mentioned, there's so much happening lately and I can't wait to share some other good news in posts to come. Stay tuned, friends!