In the Quiet

It wasn't supposed to be this way. I stand in the bathroom with my eyes closed listening to the rain that falls in sync with the tears that are falling. I miss it so much. The joy, the contentment, the quietness of having a partner by my side. This time of year has always been hard for me. Not just now in response to my most recent heartbreak. But always.

Each year I would hope with all my might that this season could change things. That for one day we could just be a family, that we could be happy. That dream never actualized, yet like a fool, I kept hoping year after year.

Now with my family broken apart what I'm missing most is having my best friend by my side. The one who would drive aimlessly but with direction around neighborhoods with houses I could never own. We would just look at the lights and I could feel the quietness of Christmas stirring in my soul. The hope, it still lingers. Year after year, I desperately hope that one year it will just feel like "it". I've had some pretty close moments. Gathered around with family and friends but something always feels missing.

This year is no different. If anything, this year is a lot harder. With my best friend gone it's hard to fathom even looking at the lights. But I still do. I still look at the twinkling lights and dream that there is a holiday out there for me, yet to come. That there is still hope, despite a very meek outlook.

I stand in the bathroom. Just stand. With my eyes close and I say to God, "It wasn't supposed to be this way." This is not my dream. My dream was so close. I felt it. Then it was gone. In a season where I don't understand for the life of me what happened, I'm at a loss for words. All I know is that this doesn't feel right. My heart shouldn't be hurting like this, but it does. My best friend wasn't supposed to become engaged to someone else, but he did. I wasn't supposed to be left to my own devices again, after all these years of hoping, praying and dreaming.

I was so close. I miss the nights. Hot chocolate in hand and gentle snow falling. Him by my side. Sometimes we drove in silence and other times we talked. But there was always a hush about it. Always something so close to perfect. Those drives were such a renewal for my heart. Such a hope for the hard times. Even if the world was falling apart, in those simple moments it was all okay.

I try to reproduce the moments on my own. Carefully. Aware that at any moment a thought could enter my mind that will derail my peace and send me into utter turmoil. It's happened so often. So I approach this season with all the caution I can muster. A season that has always been my favorite, despite being the most hurtful. How is that even possible? I guess it's a lot like seeing God in the most broken places. A lot like being hopeful despite the grim circumstances. A lot like saying thank you even though you don't agree.

I hope and pray that one year the pieces finally fall into place and all of these past experiences can come together to make one beautiful picture. Instead of leaving the past behind as so many are inclined to do, that I could gather it together with my present and my future and tie it in one beautiful bow. The kind of bow that needs two people to make it. One to hold it in place while the other loops it together. I pray this beautiful bow will tie all of my love, hurt, hope, expectations into one gift. The beautiful gift of life abundantly.