Wednesday, January 28, 2015

part one; ten years, hope in the grace

January 28, a day I might never forget. Today marks the ten year anniversary since I've lost my mom. Calling it an anniversary sounds so cruel. Hardly a reason for me to celebrate. But that's what it is. A date on the calendar that will forever be marred by what would be the first of many life changing circumstances in 2005.

If you were to ask me what is the hardest part about being a Christian I would say it's this; I live by the bible because that is the truth. Jesus says in order for someone to get into heaven you must believe that He is the son of God and that He died for our sins so we can have eternal salvation. That brings a great deal of comfort when loved ones were saved but for me I struggle with this a lot. My mom didn't know about Jesus. I wish I could say she did so I could be confident that I would see her again.

I've prayed and asked God that He would have saved her anyways. Because of the love that He has for me that it could overflow into the ones that I love, namely my mom. If I think too long about this I just start crying. Because this part- it's not written in the bible. But God. But God who is so gracious. Yet, I know what Jesus said (John 11:25). My heart is torn. Recently someone said to me that Gods grace and mercy is beyond what we can understand. He has a plan for all of us. We cannot know what that plan is and who He chooses to save. But we can find comfort in the fact that He is a gracious God with a plan and a purpose. I pray, let it be so.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory forever and ever, Amen. – Ephesians 3:20

I know if I could tell my mom now that she would be open to hearing it. One of the beautiful traits I got from my mom was the desire to be connected on a deeper level to something beyond what our eyes can see. Oh, we talked about so many things together. Life after death, the infinite universe, and how your spirit stays when you go. While some of the things we often wondered about were far from Christianity, in a lot of ways we were searching after that One true thing. Gosh, so many questions we would ask have been answered in my bible. I just wish I could tell her.

I know that there is pain
Why do you lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you.
Don’t ever let anyone step all over you.
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?
Don’t you know, things can change.
Things’ll go your way.
If you hold on for one more day.
[wilson phillips, hold on.]

*i'll be sharing a few of my moms favorite songs (which means they're also mine) as well as a Sara song that reminds me of my mom each time I hear it. <3

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