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At the beginning of the journal I wrote that "doing this will also help me have a better relationship with God, myself, my spirituality, my relationships with others and so on."
STOP THE PRESSES. You mean, 3 years ago I was right where I am now? Hmph. (or Ugh!) I don't even remember trying to press in fully. Sure, I remember reading along with some of the online bible studies and reading a devotional sometimes in the morning or at night, but I don't remember wanting to feel closer to God.
I couldn't help but ask myself, why didn't anything become of that pursuit? The answer? The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (by the way, that journal only had 11 days worth of documentation before I gave up. Need I say more?).
Oh man, this is the answer to so many things, isn't it? Why didn't I stick to a running routine? Why can't I go a day without something sweet? How can I be so yearning to seek God, yet so tired to put in the effort. Because I'm weak. Because even though I really want these things, I get in my own way. I let my tiredness interfere with my studying. I let my cravings overcome my willpower. I let my busy schedule get in the way of my consistent journaling.
You guys, something has to give. I feel like I've been put in quite a peculiar spot. I've prayed for friends and the ability to spend time with others, and He blessed me more than I imagined. My planner fills up each week with coffee dates and dinners. I'm not complaining, I'm so thankful to have met such amazing people. Yet, despite the answers to my prayers, I can't let that negatively affect my relationship with The One I've come to love more than anyone.
How am I going to do it? It's easy, because He tells me how.
"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." - Matthew 26:41
It's that simple. I need to be mindful that it's easy to fall into a pattern of social busyness that distracts my individual growth. I need to pray to be delivered from my weakness to fall into temptation. It's easy to say yes to lots of plans, in fact, in my last post I told you I had vowed to say yes to new opportunities. I think it's easy to confuse my desire to follow Him with any invitation to get together with friends. I'm not going to stop, that's not the answer - but I need to carve out some quiet time, also. Somewhere away from my phone, laptop, television, people... and just reconnect. Not just right now but consistently.
This long weekend is the perfect opportunity to reestablish my relationship. I don't want to look back in another 3 years to find the things I've counted as blessings I have lost because I didn't respond when I knew it was what I needed. They say God will do anything to bring you closer to Him. I can see that clearly just in this one example. All the "things" I counted as blessings back in March of 2011 have been removed or changed in some way.
I know a lot of that is due to the way I felt. I documented each day that I didn't cry. Yet, had I learned to rely and trust on God then, I am fully confident that things would have been different. We know that the disciples were asked to keep watch while Jesus went away quietly to pray, we know that their inability to overcome their fleshly desires caused them to unsuccessfully do so.
I am taking this as a humble reminder that it's easy to lose the way from the path when we are comfortable. I know it's exactly what Satan wants. I know it's exactly what he's succeeded with before. I will keep my eyes open and cognitive. I will remain in prayer with The One who wants to be the first in my life. After all, I didn't just come all this way for myself.