In one of my recent journal entries I wrote "If God is collecting my tears, He's going to need a bigger jar." This pretty much sums up my past few weeks. I've cried some really ugly tears... but in the ugly mess of my brokenness there's been so much healing too. Right now it feels like a spiritual battle in my heart & mind. I am trying to let His truth become my truth and trying to cast out all the lies that began taking root a long time ago and have spread.
It reminds me of 'The Parable of the Weeds'; In this parable the enemy comes at night and sows weeds along with a man's good seed that he's planted. When he awakes he finds that weeds have been mixed in with his good harvest. I've had some pretty amazing things planted in my heart...but the thing is, it's mixed in with the weeds that have been there taking root. Some days I receive such a hope of promise and then the next morning I wake up feeling defeated because of a dream I had (or sometimes for no reason that I can recall at all). So where does it come from?
"The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?' 'An enemy did this,' he replied. -Matthew 13:27-28
Yup, while I'm sleeping, when 'it's dark' or I'm not guarding my heart, the enemy comes and plants the weeds. I have had some thoughts come to me lately that I have NEVER considered and it's just so frustrating. I've been speaking God's word against them, I'm happy to say that in this moment I can't recall the specific examples and I am so thankful for that.
Once God's word is firmly planted in my heart I know I'll be able to rip out the weeds so much easier. I just need time to let His love grow in my heart. So this way I can tell the difference between lies and truth without a shadow of doubt. Some days are sunnier than others. But I think just like anything else that's planted, I need the rain as much as I need the sun. It's rained a lot lately, heavy tears have watered God's word for growing. Like the trees that bloom flowers before exploding into bright green trees, I know I'm on the verge of a spiritual breakthrough.
One of the things I wrote recently; "What hurts more than the death of the dream is the sacrifice I've made with my hope. I hung onto that hope and belief. I believed like a crazy person that I would see restoration in this situation. The vision that I believed was from God is now a fraud. Simply too much to bear."
Yet, I need to remember that my feelings are not always truth. That just because something feels too far gone doesn't mean it is. With God all things are possible. I'm in this season for a reason and I'm learning every day that I still have so much to learn. So I'm pressing into his word. I'm digging in to find the deeper meaning. Instead of skimming the top of many scriptures I am trying to dig in to a few. What I have found is that they've been so vital in my dependence on Him.
Last week I had a tough drive into work. I really don't think I should have been driving but by the grace of God, He got me there safely. When I pulled into the lot I sat there for a minute even though I was running late. I said to God that at least I can say I tried. At least I know that as soon as I saw a need for improvement I put in all the effort I could, in as many different ways as I could, to make things work. I realize at this point it's completely out of my hands. I'm okay with that because I did what I could do. Now it's up to what God can do. What a beautiful way to have to surrender. In the meantime, I will just keep praying. Just keep looking for healing that comes from no one else but God himself. Though, I can't say I felt instant relief, I feel I have reached the turning point. The part of this journey where I really learn to live by faith in Him alone.
"Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God who is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 Corinthians 9:6-8
I have sowed my prayers, tears, and His promises. I have given all that I felt I was called to give. I have done what I felt God placed it in my heart to do and say. Now I wait to see what will grow. I have decided to give all that remains, however I can and where I can, to God. I pray in this season that this promise is fulfilled for the first of many times to come. So that in all things and at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work.
You know what? I think it's going to be a beautiful garden.