The Flesh is Weak

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"The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." It's what I heard in response to a question I posed to myself today. You see, I came across a journal I started in 2011. In it I purposed to write only positive things in an effort to change my life, outlook, perspective, etc. In fact, I was documenting all the things I deemed good, any and everything. Most know that's where we begin to count our blessings and apparently I knew it too.

At the beginning of the journal I wrote that "doing this will also help me have a better relationship with God, myself, my spirituality, my relationships with others and so on."

STOP THE PRESSES. You mean, 3 years ago I was right where I am now? Hmph. (or Ugh!) I don't even remember trying to press in fully. Sure, I remember reading along with some of the online bible studies and reading a devotional sometimes in the morning or at night, but I don't remember wanting to feel closer to God.

I couldn't help but ask myself, why didn't anything become of that pursuit? The answer? The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (by the way, that journal only had 11 days worth of documentation before I gave up. Need I say more?).

Oh man, this is the answer to so many things, isn't it? Why didn't I stick to a running routine? Why can't I go a day without something sweet? How can I be so yearning to seek God, yet so tired to put in the effort. Because I'm weak. Because even though I really want these things, I get in my own way. I let my tiredness interfere with my studying. I let my cravings overcome my willpower. I let my busy schedule get in the way of my consistent journaling.

You guys, something has to give. I feel like I've been put in quite a peculiar spot. I've prayed for friends and the ability to spend time with others, and He blessed me more than I imagined. My planner fills up each week with coffee dates and dinners. I'm not complaining, I'm so thankful to have met such amazing people. Yet, despite the answers to my prayers, I can't let that negatively affect my relationship with The One I've come to love more than anyone.

How am I going to do it? It's easy, because He tells me how.

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." - Matthew 26:41

It's that simple. I need to be mindful that it's easy to fall into a pattern of social busyness that distracts my individual growth. I need to pray to be delivered from my weakness to fall into temptation. It's easy to say yes to lots of plans, in fact, in my last post I told you I had vowed to say yes to new opportunities. I think it's easy to confuse my desire to follow Him with any invitation to get together with friends. I'm not going to stop, that's not the answer - but I need to carve out some quiet time, also. Somewhere away from my phone, laptop, television, people... and just reconnect. Not just right now but consistently.

This long weekend is the perfect opportunity to reestablish my relationship. I don't want to look back in another 3 years to find the things I've counted as blessings I have lost because I didn't respond when I knew it was what I needed. They say God will do anything to bring you closer to Him. I can see that clearly just in this one example. All the "things" I counted as blessings back in March of 2011 have been removed or changed in some way.

I know a lot of that is due to the way I felt. I documented each day that I didn't cry. Yet, had I learned to rely and trust on God then, I am fully confident that things would have been different. We know that the disciples were asked to keep watch while Jesus went away quietly to pray, we know that their inability to overcome their fleshly desires caused them to unsuccessfully do so.

I am taking this as a humble reminder that it's easy to lose the way from the path when we are comfortable. I know it's exactly what Satan wants. I know it's exactly what he's succeeded with before. I will keep my eyes open and cognitive. I will remain in prayer with The One who wants to be the first in my life. After all, I didn't just come all this way for myself.

Love,
S

Affirmation

I started this post a few weeks back and never completed it. I needed to complete it to remind myself of some things I'm struggling pretty hard with right now.

I've been in quite a rut lately. From an outside perspective everything is great but busy. Inside I have been struggling emotionally. I had a few tough days last week where I just broke down and cried. One imparticularly tough night where I filled up my waste basket with tissues. I couldn't figure out why because literally nothing happened that made me feel that way. That's when I realized it was the nothingness that was causing me to feel the way I was.

In the busyness I have not had time to respond to friends, couldn't even meet up with others, fell behind on my bible study homework and was completing multiple days at once. When I read the bible I felt as if I was rushing through and just grazing the surface of whatever meaning was hidden for me. I wasn't really connecting with people and more importantly, I wasn't really connecting with God.

I began to feel defeated. Began to feel that even though I was doing all these amazing things it didn't seem to make a difference to anyone. I cried about this blog. I had a heart to heart with my Father, I poured out my heart and begged for His blessing. I wanted to know that this blog was for His glory. I wanted to know that I was reaching someone with encouragement. I admittedly told Him that in my selfish nature I wanted to know that I was wanted.

I had this awful thought that had creeped into the back of my mind one night. The same night I took out a stock in Kleenex. You see, I had reached the belief that it didn't matter if someone didn't love me the way I loved them. Because God loved me unconditionally. It didn't matter if I didn't feel pretty because God says I'm beautiful. It didn't matter if I wasn't good enough because His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Whatever I lacked, He provided. But more importantly than that, I actually felt loved. I have received so many of His promises through the word and have really been uplifted to read them and actually believe they are for me.

Then the thought. It came on first so nonchalantly that I had to do a double take to make sure I understood it correctly. That was where I went wrong. I should have assumed I knew that it was bad news but I quieted just enough to hear loud and clear what I thought I heard the first time. This thought reminded me that God loves us all equally. Sounds harmless enough, right?? But it wasn't. Because I had rested in the belief that I was special to God and that He loved me uniquely. Even during the pain of knowing there was someone in this world who was loved more than I was - it didn't matter because God would always choose me. God would never walk away. He would not betray my trust and He would not let me down. No matter what happened He would pursue me even if I was crazy enough and tried to push Him away.

But in this moment it was as if I wasn't special anymore. The love He gives me is just the same as everyone elses. I suddenly felt let down and hurt. I cried to God and told Him just what I thought of this terrible realization. I was mad at Him for loving us equally. I know, what a earthly, selfish thing to feel. But I couldn't help it. I've known rejection since the day I was born. I grew up believing I would never be good enough for anyone because that's what I was told over and over again. So after a lifetime of rejections and a lifetime of people giving up on me, I really staked my claim in His love. I really wanted to be loved more. Where people fail, God doesn't.

I admitted to God that I still wanted to believe, but that I needed Him to help my unbelief. What He did next was undoubtedly a demonstration of His love.

I mentioned previously feeling doubt over starting the blog. I had been so sure when I started it but fell into a place of uncertainty. I wanted to know that I was reaching people and that it spoke to them. I received a comment from someone I didn't know my new BFF Kelly, that just left me speechless. My pageviews jumped and I felt a burst of encouragement. But it continued.

That weekend I attended a women's retreat at church and that was incredibly uplifting. Someone there gave me her number and wanted to stay in touch. It was so awesome that I had these people that I seemed to suddenly connect so well with. (There were others I had connected with elsewhere earlier in the week as well. Answers to a prayer I have been praying.)

During this retreat index cards were handed out that had a verse we had to read aloud in front of everyone who was there. Every single person had to do it. I was so anxious, I wanted to run, I wanted to cry. But as I sat there something happened. I remembered a promise I made to God a few months ago. I will share more about that at a future time but the gist is this; I promised God I would praise Him in front of others. What I had to read was this:

Thank you, Jesus, for loving me; I am holy to the Lord my God out of all the peoples on the face of the earth, the Lord has chosen me to be His treasured possession. - Deuteronomy 14:2

Does it give you goosebumps the way it did to me when I realized this was the answer to my prayer? Amazing love. Undeserved amazing love. If I had only stumbled upon this while reading my bible I don't think it would have had the same effect. The fact that I was put in a position where I had to read this aloud in front of an auditorium of women was God's way of getting my attention. I know that was completely orchestrated by His love in an answer to my prayer.

I realized when driving to go visit a friend that same day that I had really been changed. I was happy, joyful, upbeat, positive...who was this girl!? I wasn't sure but I was loving it.

When I visited old coworkers I hadn't seen in years they were all shocked to see me. Everyone commented on how happy I seemed. When one of my friends told another coworker I've been "in the word" he grabbed me and gave me a huge hug and couldn't stop beaming.

When I went to my friends house her husband also commented and rejoiced in the God's work in my life. He said he could just see it, like I had an aura around me. I felt like I was on a high. Just me and God. Seeing that my friends could see it was amazing. I don't get to see them often and he is such a man after God's heart, his noticing was an extra affirmation that God was working in me.

Things were really going great.
So what happened? 

Somewhere in the busyness I lost my grasp on God's love for me. I suppose for me to lose it so quick means I wasn't holding onto it as tightly as I should have been. I've been reflecting back on what was different during that time where I really felt amazing. I realize a few things.

1 - I was living for the Glory of God. I had put aside my emotions. Yes, there are people out there that I love that I want in my life, but maybe now is not the time. I realized this and let them go their own way. Heartbreaking? You have no idea. But I shifted my focus to God. In the busyness and my heart that always wants to love and feel loved I got caught up again in the same emotions of loss and rejection. Only this time it felt like the hammer that put the nails into Jesus. It hurt so bad.

2 - I had spent literally almost 7 days straight focusing on God. I attended different events, church services, and studies. I had been so immersed in God and surrounded by people who also love the Lord. It was incredible. Let's be honest. Life is crazy busy. Most of the time I will not be able to be this involved. There won't be as many events happening in such a close period of time. I realize that week was a blessing for me, I need to find a way to continue to press into Him as much as possible in my every day life.

3 - I had received The Lord's affirmation. I mentioned my doubt over this blog. I mentioned the answers to meeting new people. I mentioned the excitement of old friends as well. Don't forget the words God made me speak aloud to everyone. His proclamation of His love for me. In the past few weeks Satan has stepped in to steal the glory. To steal the new heart I was given. He came in and robbed my hope, my joy, my patience, my beliefs, everything I had built up he robbed. While I see now it was such a easy and sneaky place for him to creep into, it all happened so fast I couldn't keep up.

I am so thankful this week that I had someone I could turn too. I'm not feeling back to that girl I felt like a few weeks ago but I know that His joy is coming and one day I'll be so rooted that it will take more than a few tough weeks to destroy what I have discovered in God.

How about you, my friend? How do you have life abundantly when the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy what God gave you? Let's pray for each other. Stand strong against the enemy. Let's call him out when we see him so we can know where he hides. Furthermore, let's keep believing God. Let's believe His love, promises and plans he has for us. Enough is enough.

Love,
S

Restoration Project - Overcoming Fear

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you." Ezekial 36:26

Walking in God’s promises really is life changing. There's so many aspects of my heart that have been transformed into something new and I hope to share as much of that as possible in the future. One of the struggles I have had to overcome was my intense sense of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear that screams "You're 31 and single!" - "All your friends are married and now having children!" - "When will you find the career path that's right for you?" - "When are you going to do something with your life?" Crazy, intense, fear.

It's easy to look at the way things panned out. See the mistakes I made highlighted as if made for a blooper reel that is stuck on repeat. It's even easier to believe that the things of the past have total control over what the future holds. But that was the old heart. That was before I found out the Truth.

Even though you may not realize it, God is using this pain for good. James 1:2 tells us “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds.” Because of this statement friends, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God” Romans 8:28.

You might ask how I could even rely on this as my hope? How these simple scriptures can change an outlook. If you are, then I’m glad, because this is the point I’m trying to get to. Even before I was a follower of Jesus, I always believed that everything happened for a reason. Without a doubt in my mind I could always look back and see how the pieces fit and why certain things had to happen the way they did. What my Savior has shown me is that I can also look ahead to see how the pieces will fit. He may or may not show me His plan, most of the time it will still be unknown. But we know that He works all things together for our good. We know that He’s seen our steps and already walked with us down every path before we even set out to walk.

Because of this fact we can consider it pure joy when facing our trials in this life, knowing that there is a purpose. That everything happens for a reason. Knowing that God is not only walking with us, but that he paved the way before us. He also promises that because of our pain He will bless us.

It’s in these trials He has given me this new promised heart and spirit. It hasn't been quick. Some days have been agonizingly slow and painful. Satan knows the Lord is working and so he will put any obstacle in my way to send me back to my former, comfortable self.

It is a blessing to say that I finally feel I’m over the breaking point. I wish I could give specifics that could show you just how my heart has been transformed. Having a new heart changes your attitude, it changes your reactions, it changes your thoughts, it changes your emotions, it changes your outlook, it changes your beliefs, and it changes you.

I've noticed a significant change in the way that I handle stressful situations as opposed to my old self. In the past immediately anxiety would creep up, I would be overwhelmed, panicky, and sometimes start crying because I just “couldn't deal” with it. Now when a stressful situation arises I find that more often than not I go to God first. I give it to Him and try not to think about the things in the future that I cannot control. I approach the matter with more of a sense of calm. But most importantly, I approach the situation with a hope rather than defeat. That has made all the difference in the world.

A dear friend gave me a book she owned for years and read countless times. It’s called 'Hinds Feet on High Places.' It’s about a young girl named Much-Afraid who journeys into the wilderness to ascend a mountain to the highest place where her enemies cannot harm her. She is handicapped and has relatives whose last name is Fear. She takes this journey at the promise of the Shepherd who vows to take her to the high places, to remove her lameness and give her feet like deer. This book really is incredible if you haven’t read it, I recommend it. The story outlines the journey each of us takes in our own lives [it may not sound like it would, you'll just have to trust me].

I marked off a spot in this book that I believe speaks to how we should deal with the unknown future. When I’m dealing with a situation that I think will affect the course of my life I can’t help but think of the worst case scenarios. It’s just always been what I do. When you are accustomed to bad things happening you begin to expect them. So this is a command that I've really taken to heart and tried to apply as much as possible.

“Much-Afraid, don’t ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe me, when you get to the places which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is.”

What does the Shepherd mean that we will walk with fear in a place where no fear is? It means there is no fear in God. To try to predict the potential destruction of our future robs us from our trust in God and leaves us alone to worry. We cannot be both fearful and trusting in God. It just doesn't work that way. It's like oil and vinegar. They do not mix well.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 God did not create us to have fear. This is man-made, learned behavior. Our past experiences taught us to fear the future ones. Friends and family who constantly worry helped develop our fear. Watch the news for a half hour and try not to be fearful or worrisome about something. But in God we do not have to be prisoners to fear. God has given us a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. 

Like Much-Afraid I’ve often predicted an alternative ending to how things actually happened. My imagination was always so much worse than how things turned out. Reminds me of lyrics from one of Sara's songs, "I miss the days that my mind would just rest quiet. My imagination hadn't turned on me yet." This is exactly what happens when our minds start racing. Our imaginations can literally destroy our hearts, allowing fear of the unknown to take over. Our “enemies” lurk everywhere waiting to grab hold of our earthly imagination. These enemies are not always people but can be situations, a bad diagnosis, an extremely low bank balance, talk of worldly affairs, and even someone else’s fear. We need to seek to get back to what we were born with. A mind that would just rest quiet.

I wanted to end with this well known quote from Franklin D Roosevelt's first inaugural speech;

"Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." 

Friends, this is powerful. If you've never stopped to think about this statement, do it with me now. The only thing to be fearful of is the fleshly nature to be fearful, which occurs when we take our eyes off of the Creator who is in control. This fear paralyzes us where we are. It stops us from advancing forward in our lives. It catches a hold on us and does not let us go.

This is one place that I've felt transformed. Where I've been given a “new spirit” along with my transformed heart. It is a diligent effort to not let my thoughts run wild instilling fear into my heart. How about you? If you are walking with fear, trembling and agony then it’s time to ask God for help. Let Him take away the fear. Let Him be your comforter and your restorer. Ask Him to allow your mind to just rest quiet so that you can advance into your future with hopeful expectation.

Love,
S

Discovering Grace

For everyone it's different... How they get to the point. The point where there is not a single person on earth who could turn back the pages or make your aching heart feel better. It's in that hour of desperation that you have a choice to make... Press fully into God and His promises or desperately and unknowingly try to piece back together the broken parts of your heart yourself. 

I've been here before. I've experienced great loss. Friends and family. Friends who I cared deeply for regardless of the length of time I knew them or how much we were in each other's presence. Friends that could light up the room by walking in. Those who make you feel like they truly wanted to know everything about you. Family that you never expected to lose. Time cut way too short.  Nothing is as devastating as losing people you care deeply for to the hand of fate.

Well, except maybe losing people you care deeply for who made the decision to fade away. We can't ever understand Gods plan when he takes a young life, the process to try to understand causes ripples sometimes lasting for a lifetime. But when it's a personal choice and you're left on the end with the cut rope fraying in your hands the effects don't ripple softly. Instead they seem unrelenting as they crash intensely to the shore. One person can cut the tie with friends to degrees in the double digits. When there are people out there who you love with all your heart, who you would give anything to spend more time with but you can't, it feels like the storm of the century.

So here's the option... You can jump ship and try to swim to shore in a foreign land on the raging seas or you can anchor down to wait it out with all your hope while seeking The One who can calm all storms. Don't get me wrong, you don't only wait in the storm... There is still work to be done, you must prepare your boat to sustain the rough winds and high tide. But the storm is better in the shelter of my boat then it is clutching to a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

Friends, for 30 years of my life I tried to swim to shore. Surely it's safer there and I didn't have to worry about motion sickness on land. But here's the funny thing, I can't swim. Quite literally, I'm terrified of deep water and I'm terrified when I can't see what's below the surface. I don't belong out here by myself. Trying to navigate to dry land just drifted me further and further away. I would get caught up in the heavy current and find myself a long way off from where I started. Battered, worn, shaking and afraid. Some great plan, but what was I supposed to do with no one to guide me?

But here's the saving grace - my life-guard? He walks on water. He calms the storm. And when there's nothing else I can do but wait out the storm, He gives me hope as an anchor. 

And that's just it.. The moment of truth. The moment I felt most absolutely alone in my life with not a single person to turn to who would care or understand me, that's where I found God. [It was not at the corner of First and Amistad]. It was at the lowest point of my life. I couldn't see any glimmer of hope and I didn't want to face another day. I was desperate and pleading, surely this couldn't be all that my life becomes. I always thought maybe my story could be different then the way it was staged by my past but in this moment I didn't even believe that anymore. Lower than low. 

That's when it happened. I was crying out to God and just seeking comfort. In the middle of a full blown panic attack, I had a vision. I was leaning into Jesus and we were sitting on the beach. I was crying hysterically and he had his arm around me to comfort me. I asked Him to show me that things will get better, that there's a reason for this. What I saw next I will share if and when the moment arrives. Until then it's between Jesus and myself. Let me tell you something about that part though, what He showed me... in my moment of absolute devastation, in the middle of a panic attack, where I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't breathe, I was IMMEDIATELY overcome with joy. And this isn't a "Surprise! Here's a piece of chocolate cake for no reason!" joy ...[insert your pure joy moment here]... No, this was joy that surpassed all understanding. I truly cannot explain it other than to say that I have NEVER in my life been as happy and at peace as I was in that moment. It was just surreal. 

So thus my journey has begun. My journey to find the indescribable joy and peace I felt. To discover the grace of God that has been extended to me this whole time. I hope you will follow along as I share my take on my experiences. My new outlook on life. I hope that maybe it'll shed a new perspective for you. I don't claim to know what I'm talking about- all I can do is speak from my heart and trust that what I stumble upon has some truth. I plan on being as honest and open with the details as I can because I believe that if I do that it will encourage you, that whatever your storm looks like, that it's worth trusting God through it.

So my question is this: Will you wait out the storm with me?

Love,
S