Restoration Project - Rejection

Rejection. The only thing that stings more than hearing the word is feeling the word. Living through it and learning how to cope when what you hope for is denied.

We've all felt some kind of rejection in this life. Failed relationships. The times that you are trying to make it work but it's a two part effort and you're the only one making an effort. Friends that have time for everyone and everything else but you. Plans that wait for a busy schedule to clear while other things fill in ahead of you. Unanswered phone calls, texts, emails - your hope hanging on a line.

These things all scream some pretty nasty words at us. You're not important. If you meant anything then it wouldn't be this way. You can make all the time for someone but that's not going to be reciprocated. Obviously you don't get it. You're stupid to keep trying. Stop trying, it's never going to make a difference. Different nasty words and thoughts, yet they all boil down to the same thing. Rejection.

It feels like I was born into rejection. I was rejected by my parents. Rejected by best friends. Rejected from schools and jobs. Rejected from relationships. Rejected by the people I've trusted the most. Honestly. Some days a girl just wants to give up. 

Rejection takes on many faces. It may not be outright, obvious rejection. In fact, most of the rejection I've ever faced has been subliminal. It's in the words and actions people express. Sometimes in the words and actions people don't express. Maybe I'm the only one, but my mind is constantly in overdrive. I analyze everything. Every word that is said or not said. Everything has a double meaning. There's what you say on the outside and there's the truth that hides behind it.

I'm so busy right now I can't make time for you. I need to look into it so I can find a reason to say no. I wish there was someway I could help you but I don't want to commit to your mess. I'll pray about it because I don't want to go near that with a 10 foot pole.

There's also the rejection where things people say get your hopes up but they never have intentions of following through. I remember as a kid when my uncle would promise we'd go to the park or the zoo on the weekend. I would sit in the window, waiting and watching for him, and my dad would say "I don't know why you're waiting for him, he's not going to show." Dad was right 95% of the time. I've had friends who have said we need to hang out more often, but we never do. Promises of things that would be fulfilled in the future that never came to pass. One day we're going to go here. This summer we'll do this. Even simple plans for coffee or dinner "soon." Nothing that really requires much of an effort, yet the effort is never made.

Othertimes, there was that 5% where my uncle did show, restoring my faith that he does care and he will show the next time too. As a kid you don't get it, We had so much fun. It was such a great day. Why won't he come this time? Please tell me I'm not alone here. That there's moments with people we care about where it seems like there's a reason to hope, only for us to be let down again. I guess as an adult I don't get it either. 

Then there's the really nasty stuff. Where people bring God into the picture as if it's a means to free them from living out any obligation to help, listen, care. You can hear the things they don't say loud and clear; God loves you so I don't have too. God has a plan for your life and it doesn't involve me or the person you are praying for. You should pray about it and let God come up with a solution to your problems. One day God is going to do big things because I don't believe there's hope for you in this situation. There's something better for you or that's what I'll say because I don't believe God is going to bless you this time.

My least favorite are the ones that are deliberate and outright that I've misunderstood God speaking to me. Let me be clear, this is the most sensitive spot in my heart. I have learned to be very careful about what I say and to who because it's had a way of coming back and being used against me and out of context. Specifically, if I share a dream or thought I have, that I believe was placed on me from God, it's extremely insulting to hear others reject those thoughts. This comes from believers and non-believers. What if it doesn't turn out the way you believed God said it would? Sometimes what you believe God has for you is not really what He's going to give to you. It's happened to me so many times. I think you need to let go of that hope. You're never going to be happy with this. I know you think you have it together but you don't. Maybe it's not God and it's just coincidence. If it was going to happen that way then it would have already. 

Lately it's just been unbearable. How is a girl supposed to find relief with this overwhelming world? There are days I just want to leave this planet. Be done with it. Let God say I've finally got it right and call me home.

What I want most is hope. I want someone to be on my side. I want to believe that someone out there cares enough so much about me that they don't would never leave me hanging when I need it the most. I want to know I have someone to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on. I want to be able to express what's bothering me without having to apologize for it. To know that they truly want me to share what concerns me because they love me that much.

Thank God that Jesus became flesh and took on the pains of this world. If there's one overwhelming emotion He dealt with it was rejection. His own people rejected Him. His friends betrayed Him. His family didn't believe Him. Even the people of today, who know He wasn't bluffing after all, still reject Him. In death He still can't catch a break from rejection. I can't imagine the pain of rejection He must have felt, knowing He was going to die for the very people who were crucifying Him. That He was giving His life on the hopes that they would change their ways and be saved for an eternity. What kind of guy does this?

Lord, even when I have trouble all around me, you will keep me alive. When my enemies are angry, you will reach down and save me by your power. ~Psalm 138:7

So how do I cope? I start by turning to my Savior. The one who became flesh to take on rejection so that I could be saved. The things I cry out for in this world, Jesus has become for me. Instead of ridiculing my hope, He encourages my hope and reminds me that "All things with God are possible." He promises to always be with me and to never leave or forsake me. He not only vows to never leave but pursues me when I'm the one walking away. What undeserving grace I have. To be pursued by the King, who died for my sins, who runs after me even if I've become so weary that I declare to just give up. "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust in me." I know I can cry on His shoulder because I've already been there. He wants to offer compassion when I'm hurting.

"I love you with a love that will last forever." ~Jeremiah 31:3

There are days that I grieve because I cannot physically see or touch Jesus. I long to know Him in human form the way the disciples did. There are days I wish I could call Him up and ask if He'd like to get a coffee and sit and watch the waves with me. To stay up late conversing about His plans and our future. To laugh, cry, rejoice, grieve and dance with Him. I want to see His face. To know when He's happy. To see Him stand up against that which hurts me. To know when He's proud of how far I've come. To hear His voice as He says He will never leave me. I ache for the day that I can follow Him forever. To never leave His side. To praise Him and love Him like He has done for me. Until that day I seek Him. He will provide what I need. He will sustain me by bringing people into my life who are going to support, encourage and love me. I've seen quite the demonstration of this lately and one day soon I'll share some of the amazing things He's already done.

The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you. ~Zephaniah 3:17

Love,
S


As a side bar; I know there are friends and family that will read this post and object to my viewpoint. There will be people who want to reply to this message. I am not posting this because I am asking for you to do anything different. This post is not about anyone or anything specific but an overall feeling that begs to be reconstructed by the grace of God. I know I'm loved. I know I have people out there who I can trust and turn to. Please respect my decision to share this message even if you don't agree.

Spiritual Endurance

 

First of all, quick hello to the lovely ladies from SheReadsTruth! For those of you not familiar with this group, check them out! You won't be disappointed. 

This week's study has us meditating and confessing. We are reflecting on Joshua 1:8-9.

To begin, I have a confession. I did not plan for this but in keeping with my honesty with you all, I am afraid I might not be in the best frame of mind to completely receive God's word. Which is kind of ironic considering the verse we are studying. You'll see what I mean. And if you read to the end you can see just how He always shows up when you seek Him. Even while writing a blog post after you just confessed you just might not have what it takes to fully understand today. 

This is a verse that I've heard a ton of times before today. I have a scripture wall in my bedroom that I started, it helps me memorize the verses and to see them right before I run out my bedroom door. Whether I'm off to start my day or to venture out one more time, they are always encouraging and helpful.

The funny thing about this verse is I never saw it like I did tonight. I never really tried to find more to what "meets the eye." Yet, there's definitely further meaning here.

Joshua is instructed to be strong and of good courage. What does that mean? Well, I think the strong here is not necessarily referring to lifting weights at the gym. In our daily life we take on feats that we could only do had we been "working out." Verse eight tells us how to be strong;

"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success."

Less talking, more doing. Meditating on the word of God is how we strengthen our spiritual being. And this is where that God humor comes in. I have been extremely busy the past few weeks and have spent significantly less time reading the bible then I would like to admit. The strange thing is, I feel it in my soul. I have been worn down, weak, hurt, stressed, exhausted... so not the vision of strength God commands from me. But when I read the word, when I spend time soaking it all in, it transforms me. My day gets brighter, my patience lasts longer, I am blessed with an abundance of grace, and I can take on the worries of the world a little easier. Keep reading and you'll see His grace before your very eyes!

Meditating on the word turns my ways into His ways. When I study the word I am more apt to carefully make decisions rather than let my flesh (emotions, good mood vs bad mood, wants and desires) take charge. I'm an emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's a big part of what I've tried to overcome. I see where this has caused friction in the past and I think it's just so ugly to live that way. When I'm allowing my emotions (hurt, anger, sadness) to rule, I don't even want to be near me.

Using discernment means my decisions are faith based and even if I still make the wrong choice, at least I would have done so based on prayer. There's less room for regret in these cases, even when we're wrong. Hard to regret that which you mulled over in prayer, as opposed to the rash decision that changes things forever. Meditation leads to better choices and better choices leads to us being prosperous and successful.

What I love the most is what comes next though; It's the encouragement God gives because he knows there will be moments where we go from victorious warrior to doubtful onlooker.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

When we believe we heard and understood God, and when we choose to obey based on our belief, it can begin to look or feel like we made the wrong decision. With waiting comes doubt; did I understand God speaking to me? Was it all in my head? Maybe it was my desire and not God's. If it's taking this long I surely misunderstood. If I figured it out I wouldn't still have this daily struggle. Just because we hear God doesn't mean everything immediately comes to pass.

Our faith can waver like a flag in the wind on a dark night. Because of the darkness the flag can be hard to see and sometimes the wind blows it so hard it seems like it may fray to pieces. Other times our faith is more like the wind where we can't see it at all but only feel it. We can't touch it but it touches us. Even in the darkness we can feel it, we can hear it and it has the power to move us. God restores that faith that can move us with this statement to Joshua. He gives us something to wait for with expectant hope.

I would like to imagine the angel of God's army fighting satan to get to me. The way that he did for Daniel. That God has already answered my prayer, He's just fighting tooth and nail for every ounce of blessing that He wants me to receive. The message God gave to Daniel is very similar to our passage now;

"Pay attention to my words. Stand up, because I’ve been sent to you. Don’t be afraid, Daniel. God has heard everything that you said ever since the first day you decided to humble yourself in front of your God so that you could learn to understand things. I have come in response to your prayer."

When Daniel fell to his knees, unable to speak, through the angel he once again heard affirmation;

He said, “Don’t be afraid. You are highly respected. Everything is alright! Be strong! Be strong!”

Before you continue, reread those scriptures and input your name in place of Daniel. Anyone else wowed? As if there are a crowd of angels in heaven looking on and cheering for you!

I find remarkable similarities between these two scriptures. God doesn't repeat things just because He has nothing else to say. He repeats them so that we can meditate on them. Less talking about the word and more hearing it. We can't listen well when we're talking. Studying God's word is the same, there's time for prayer and there's time to be silent.

I love that in both scriptures God says to "Pay attention to my words" (meditate on it day and night) and "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not by dismayed." (don't be afraid, everything is alright, be strong!)

Here's that abundance of grace I mentioned at the beginning; Until I was looking up the scripture on Daniel to reread it, I didn't remember the things the angel spoke to Daniel. I simply remembered the fact that the angel was fighting to get to him. The fact that we are studying almost the same conversation with a different person from the bible tells me that God really wanted my attention on this one. This is what spending time in the word does for you. After confessing my weakness, he gave me strength. Amazing grace.

Let's remain strong. Let's keep focused on his word. Let's not be dismayed when things don't go our way quickly. It doesn't mean we didn't hear God, it just means He's still working on it. All great works of art take time to create. You are not a dot on a canvas to hang in a museum. Your bigger picture is a work in progress that one day God will hang in his hall of fame and say, "I made her!" and she is perfect and complete!

Love,
S

Jonah - Part Two

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We meet our friend Jonah in chapter three as he finally goes to Nineveh to deliver God's word to the wicked city. When we left him in chapter two he was repenting to the Lord and singing praises to his name. His last verse in chapter two states "Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed, I will make good. I will say 'Salvation comes from the Lord."

This is the point where God tells the giant fish to spit Jonah out onto dry land. What a lucky guy! Three days in a fish in the sea and he can live to tell the story. So he learns his lesson, no more running - he immediately goes to Nineveh to deliver the message from God.

Upon hearing the doom that will become of them, the entire city repents, fasts, vows and sacrifices to the Lord. They do nothing else but these things in hope that God will have mercy on them. They realize their evil ways and seek to undo God's plan.

Let me tell you a secret, God is a compassionate God. If you have sinned and ask for forgiveness, truly being sorry for your sins, God is bound to forgive you. Everyone should learn that truth. Even Jonah who in chapter two says "Salvation comes from The Lord." The very first time Jonah proclaims the message, the entire city did a one-eighty. They didn't waste time, didn't need to hear the message a second time. God, who can search anyone's heart and know their sincerity, has compassion and relents from his anger and does not deliver the suffering He promised.

So naturally Jonah is happy right? He was so fearful to deliver the message - but he finally gave in. Now the Lord isn't even going to be angry anymore! But now Jonah is angry... wait, what?! Talk about dramatic. He says to The Lord "Isn't this what I said, Lord, when I was still at home? That is what I tried to forestall by fleeing to Tarshish. I knew that you were a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity." Okay.... So?? "Now, Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live." Okay... seriously? How old are we?

Is anyone else completely frustrated with Jonah at this point? I mean, first of all, he's angry at God for showing compassion to the most wicked city when they truly made good to change their ways. What Jonah doesn't see is that even though he's not known as wicked and evil like the city of Nineveh, the Lord has been just as gracious to him. They threw him into a raging sea for crying out loud! He should have already been dead, but God provided a miracle unlike anything ever told before and Jonah survives thanks to God's great mercy. The same mercy Jonah was praising at the end of chapter two.

Furthermore, shouldn't he be happy that thanks to his willingness to listen to God a city of people have now been saved? How awesome is that?! That God could deliver a message through one man that saves one hundred and twenty thousand people! Isn't this the point of everything we are taught through His word? To teach others about the love of God and pray that they may seek Him and love Him as well? The more the merrier, right?!

I really don't know what his problem is. However, don't we all know someone like this? You cannot please some people. Not even if you are the Almighty God. Jonah wishing he was dead instead of the Lord having compassion on others? Self-centered DRAMA. Of course God tries to put him in his place by responding "Is it right for you to be angry?" .. I guess I couldn't have said it better myself!

But the story does not end here.. God still is trying to show Jonah His love even though Jonah is being completely ridiculous. Because that's what our Heavenly Father does for us. Jonah seeks out shelter close enough to the city to wait "to see what would happen to the city." So even though Jonah is still in his mood swing God shows grace, making a plant that grew over Jonah's head to provide him shade while he throws his tantrum. Finally, something makes Jonah happy again! [Of course, since it's "All About Jonah!" quick, somebody get this guy his own reality show!]

That is until the next day when God sent a worm to destroy the plant and the sun to scorch Jonah's head until he grew faint! The point God was trying to prove is that there are more important things to care for than a plant. That surely humankind should receive more compassion than this plant. And as a humble reminder, Jonah didn't have anything to do with either the plant or the city prospering or not. This is not about him. This is about God.

But of course, our friend Jonah is still angry and again wishes he were dead. I wonder if at any point God considers just letting him die by the raging sea. But then I realize if He did that, Nineveh wouldn't have been saved. That's the mercy of God. He sees our drama and doesn't stop the lesson.

God says to Jonah, "Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?" Once again, couldn't have said it better myself. Jonah replies, "It is, I'm so angry I wish I were dead."

Really. Super. Frustrating. How can someone who hears from God so clearly not understand a thing God is doing? The final thing the Lord says is "You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend to it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left - and also many animals?"

That's it. That's the final line of this chapter. The story just ends abruptly. God has the last word. We don't know Jonah's response. We don't know what happened to Jonah. He's not found anywhere else in the bible. His ending is a mystery. Maybe God let him die. Maybe God sent him to an island to live by himself for the rest of his life. I'm guessing it was not anything Jonah deserved by my standards. But instead, by God's love, I bet He continued to try to teach Jonah what a great thing this was. So what can we possibly learn from this short story? This quick ending?

God is compassionate.
He is in control, not us.
We do not get to tell Him what to do.
God will not stop pursuing us.
Furthermore, we can't avoid His calling or transfer it to someone else.
We can be angry for His compassion on sinners, but there's a word for that called hypocrisy.
There will be times when we don't understand, but God does.
We should seek understanding, not anger.
Our bad attitude can become an idol that blocks God's love.

Never once did we hear Jonah ask God why He was showing compassion on such an evil city. Perhaps if he asked, God would have told him at that time. Yet, although Jonah didn't ask, God still did a show and tell. He gave a physical example of His spiritual grace.

Jonah's stance became his idol. He would not let go of his anger, no matter how the Lord tried to change his heart. In his own words Jonah proclaimed the one thing that would turn him from God's love. "Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them." We cannot have hatred in our heart and receive love at the same time. "Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen." 1 John 4:20. Because of Jonah's inability to love the city which repented and turned to God, he could not receive God's love. His anger, jealousy, hatred, and bitterness were literally blocking the beams of light God was trying to shine into him.

Perhaps we're in our own dark place. We can't understand God showing mercy to certain people. Maybe these people have hurt us personally so it leaves our hearts tender and raw. Let's choose not to react like Jonah. Let's choose to ask for discernment. Let us remember the many times God has been gracious to us when we didn't deserve it. Let's not speak so dramatically negative that our story ends abruptly. Let's seek His graciousness in our own lives and be thankful that He is gracious to all sinners - not select sinners. These are our brothers and sisters and anyone who is for the Lord is on our side. We cannot love God until we've removed our negative attitudes towards others. Let us not react like Jonah did but how we would assume Nineveh did. With songs of praise, glory to His Highest, and love for one another.

Because Jonah had it right the first time, "Salvation comes from the Lord."

Love,
S

Discovering Grace

For everyone it's different... How they get to the point. The point where there is not a single person on earth who could turn back the pages or make your aching heart feel better. It's in that hour of desperation that you have a choice to make... Press fully into God and His promises or desperately and unknowingly try to piece back together the broken parts of your heart yourself. 

I've been here before. I've experienced great loss. Friends and family. Friends who I cared deeply for regardless of the length of time I knew them or how much we were in each other's presence. Friends that could light up the room by walking in. Those who make you feel like they truly wanted to know everything about you. Family that you never expected to lose. Time cut way too short.  Nothing is as devastating as losing people you care deeply for to the hand of fate.

Well, except maybe losing people you care deeply for who made the decision to fade away. We can't ever understand Gods plan when he takes a young life, the process to try to understand causes ripples sometimes lasting for a lifetime. But when it's a personal choice and you're left on the end with the cut rope fraying in your hands the effects don't ripple softly. Instead they seem unrelenting as they crash intensely to the shore. One person can cut the tie with friends to degrees in the double digits. When there are people out there who you love with all your heart, who you would give anything to spend more time with but you can't, it feels like the storm of the century.

So here's the option... You can jump ship and try to swim to shore in a foreign land on the raging seas or you can anchor down to wait it out with all your hope while seeking The One who can calm all storms. Don't get me wrong, you don't only wait in the storm... There is still work to be done, you must prepare your boat to sustain the rough winds and high tide. But the storm is better in the shelter of my boat then it is clutching to a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

Friends, for 30 years of my life I tried to swim to shore. Surely it's safer there and I didn't have to worry about motion sickness on land. But here's the funny thing, I can't swim. Quite literally, I'm terrified of deep water and I'm terrified when I can't see what's below the surface. I don't belong out here by myself. Trying to navigate to dry land just drifted me further and further away. I would get caught up in the heavy current and find myself a long way off from where I started. Battered, worn, shaking and afraid. Some great plan, but what was I supposed to do with no one to guide me?

But here's the saving grace - my life-guard? He walks on water. He calms the storm. And when there's nothing else I can do but wait out the storm, He gives me hope as an anchor. 

And that's just it.. The moment of truth. The moment I felt most absolutely alone in my life with not a single person to turn to who would care or understand me, that's where I found God. [It was not at the corner of First and Amistad]. It was at the lowest point of my life. I couldn't see any glimmer of hope and I didn't want to face another day. I was desperate and pleading, surely this couldn't be all that my life becomes. I always thought maybe my story could be different then the way it was staged by my past but in this moment I didn't even believe that anymore. Lower than low. 

That's when it happened. I was crying out to God and just seeking comfort. In the middle of a full blown panic attack, I had a vision. I was leaning into Jesus and we were sitting on the beach. I was crying hysterically and he had his arm around me to comfort me. I asked Him to show me that things will get better, that there's a reason for this. What I saw next I will share if and when the moment arrives. Until then it's between Jesus and myself. Let me tell you something about that part though, what He showed me... in my moment of absolute devastation, in the middle of a panic attack, where I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't breathe, I was IMMEDIATELY overcome with joy. And this isn't a "Surprise! Here's a piece of chocolate cake for no reason!" joy ...[insert your pure joy moment here]... No, this was joy that surpassed all understanding. I truly cannot explain it other than to say that I have NEVER in my life been as happy and at peace as I was in that moment. It was just surreal. 

So thus my journey has begun. My journey to find the indescribable joy and peace I felt. To discover the grace of God that has been extended to me this whole time. I hope you will follow along as I share my take on my experiences. My new outlook on life. I hope that maybe it'll shed a new perspective for you. I don't claim to know what I'm talking about- all I can do is speak from my heart and trust that what I stumble upon has some truth. I plan on being as honest and open with the details as I can because I believe that if I do that it will encourage you, that whatever your storm looks like, that it's worth trusting God through it.

So my question is this: Will you wait out the storm with me?

Love,
S