#100HappyDays & More

This morning I deactivated my Facebook again and deleted my twitter app. It's just too hard. It's not worth it. Does anyone even really care? I was ready to stop blogging. Just fall off the grid again. Maybe after all this time I still wasn't ready. Maybe I pushed myself too fast.

Yet something happened throughout the day today.

I kept digging in. Kept searching for God. Kept looking for affirmation that things will be okay.

And you know what?

I didn't really get an answer.

Why?

I believe it's because I already know. I already know that He holds my life in His hands. That He has chosen me to be His beloved. I truly believe His promises. Call me crazy, because sometimes I feel that way, but I just believe.

It's as simple as that.

In fact, it's harder for me to not believe than it is to believe.

Perhaps that's been part of my struggle. The fine line between belief and unbelief. Because I can't deny the changes I have felt. They may not be apparent to the outside world but I know that it's happening.

Let me give an example or two.

If you knew me in real life [not that these interwebs aren't real...but ya know], you might know that I have a terrible social anxiety. Even going to places with people I know often causes me to get worked up, sick to my stomach and end up in tears. So speaking to people I don't know rarely happens.

Saturday night I went out with a friend to Newport, RI. It's was a gorgeous perfect night for it. A woman ended up coming over and we ended up chatting for a little while. This doesn't seem like a big deal, but it's HUGE. I tend to be the girl who listens in a group of unknown people, not the one who speaks up. Yet, I didn't even think about it, it just happened.

Last night, I needed to go to the beach. Something I just had been needing to do.

The beach was extremely windy, which made it sort of brutal. But I didn't mind too much. I put down my towel, sat down and just took it all in. The greatness. The goodness. I reminded myself of the Psalms which I've been spending some time in.

"How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand - When I awake, I am still with you." -Psalm 139:17-18

God always has us in His thoughts. We may not always be thinking of Him, but He is always thinking of us. Even when I'm doing nothing. Even when I'm sleeping, I can awake and know I'm still on God's mind. Not that He thought of me again, no, he never stopped, "I am still with you." 

I had a gentlemen come up to me and offer me his chair so I didn't have to sit on the ground getting pelted by sand. I politely declined and wondered if there was more meaning to this. I wasn't sure. I thought maybe because I have felt so alone that it was God's way of saying He sees me even when I am alone. Even if the people I expect to respond and help, don't, He can send strangers to remind me that I am seen.

On my way out I waved and thanked him again, at which point he began talking to me. So I went over and we chatted about surfing and yoga and the beach and work and Hawaii. Really, a bit of everything. What was so odd is my openness to talk to this complete stranger, a man furthermore.

These open conversations may be simple and silly to some. Even ordinary. But for me I recognize this as a huge success in where I've come from. I think this is part of Him giving me a new heart and working to make me into the person He intends me to be. I do enjoy being social and most times once I have arrived at my destination and given it about a half hour, I find that it's not as scary as I anticipated.

I still have a long way to go, but I know He's working on me. I've said yes to meeting up with new friends lately. Friends who are Christians. It's something special. To know I can open up and share my heart and these ladies will pray for me and check in on me when we haven't chatted in a while, it's just nice. But I know getting over that uneasiness was part of the reason I was able to speak to total strangers this weekend.

So you're probably wondering why, if I have realized this, would I be willing to turn it all off socially again? (If you knew me before this blog, I had about 4 months before I could even look at the internet).

I have some really ugly things happening in my family. Things I don't feel quite ready to share with most people yet. But it's caused me to become really sad.

I've had such faith and belief that God would come through for me and instead it feels like He's taking more and more people away. This is my third time this year that I feel someone I love was taken away in some cruel way that changes our dynamics. It's absolutely heartbreaking. Since I'm still working on being okay with the very first take away, it's hard to now be dealing with another one.

I reached out to the one person who I believe knows me better than anyone else. The person I have trusted with my heart, my fears, my hopes, everything. In return I received a note that we can be blessed and not necessarily be happy.

It kind of stung. A lot. I was angry. Sad. Hurt. Rejected.

I have tried so hard to be happy. I have tried to focus on the positive and to make sure that I left Sarcastic Sheri in the past. She was really starting to become super negative. (I do let her make an occasional appearance once in a while though, she was really witty).

My new goal was Sheri Sincerity. This was my "word" of 2014. Sincerity. To appreciate life and others and to show it. Because at the core of my being, I really am these things. The years of hurt had caused this awful scar tissue to form around my heart that apparently wasn't letting the good out anymore. I'm sure it was also keeping the good from coming in.

So for someone to suggest that I was not realizing I was blessed really bothered me. I KNOW I am blessed. I am so grateful for the things I do have. God took away major parts of my family and gave me an additional family. I don't deserve that. I didn't do anything to earn it. But that's not how God's blessings work. We can't work to receive our blessings. He blesses us because He loves us and that's it. This is not a works based faith.

My natural instinct was to run and hide and wait until I was ready to face the world again. Wouldn't Satan love that? If I just stopped blogging, tweeting, instagraming my faith and my desire for truth.

You can't see God's glory if I deactivate all my accounts and spend the next 3 months in hiding. I'm sure eventually you would see it. But why delay til then what is happening now? I know I can be an emotional rollercoaster. I didn't say following this blog was going to be peaches and lemonade. I promised to be honest and open.

Something that has really been on my mind is the #100HappyDays project. 

Tonight, I decided, maybe I'm not showing outright the things I am thankful for. I mean, I feel like I am, but maybe not enough. Because God is a blessing machine. I have heard incredible stories of how this project has helped people gain a new perspective on happiness, so what does it hurt?

I have to be real, I am incredibly afraid that I might not have something to post. It's part of the reason it's been on my mind and not on my Instagram. I am nervous that I'll miss a day. But I will never know until I challenge myself. Maybe you will join with me?

As a completely unrelated sidenote, the developer for this project, his parents live in Latvia. Since my mother's family is from Latvia and my great grandmother only spoke Latvian, I am extra encouraged and excited to add to this happiness phenomenon. That might sell a whole .005% of you! Shout out to my friends in Latvia! 

I will be posting to Instagram - so please follow me there! I hope to share some of the special moments here on my blog as well. If you are participating on Instagram or Twitter share your username below in the comments and I'll follow you back! Let's encourage each other!

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." - Psalm 51:10

Love,
S

We Were Like Those Who Dreamed

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,

we were like those who dreamed.

Our mouths were filled with laughter,

our tongues with songs of joy.

Then it was said among the nations,

"The Lord has done great things for them"

The Lord has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy.

Restore our fortunes, Lord,

like streams in the Negev.

Those who sow with tears

will reap with songs of joy.

Those who go out weeping,

carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy,

carrying sheaves with them.

~Psalm 126

I absolutely adore this psalm. I "discovered" it on Easter Sunday. I didn't participate in Easter dinner. Honestly, I didn't feel up for it. Instead I drove to Newport (or the beach, if you're not from RI) after church to just reflect on things and to pray. I found a spot to stare out at the ocean and opened my bible. I flipped around a little bit until I stopped and found this psalm which I read aloud.

My prayers, every thing I asked for, hoped for, dreamed for, cried for - felt as if God was affirming they were received with this psalm. I just love this! (Did I say that already? Forgive me! I really enjoy it.)

We were like those who dreamed... To receive blessings, answers to prayer, don't we just look like a bunch of dreamers? Awe-struck, peaceful, content, joyous? That's how we feel again when the Lord answers our prayers. Our mouths will be filled with laughter and our tongues with songs of joy. I believe this is not only when we receive our answers but also when we lift up our prayers. How joyous it is to know He hears our petitions and will respond? 

"In everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests by made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7

Then it was said among the nations, "The Lord has done great things for them." The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. (Emphasis my own). Others will also see our blessings. Others will delight in the good works of the Lord and will proclaim how good He is. I love to put the emphasis on this. The Lord has done great things for us. Because to me that speaks not just in the future when we receive our answers and blessings but also of this very present time. When we can look back and say he has been good and faithful to us.

Because of this assurance from the past we can be filled with joy in the present time. Not only because He answered our past prayers, but because we know He will answer our present prayers in the future. 

"And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." -Matthew 21:22

This is what fills us with joy. This knowledge. Other translations say "And we are glad." Not only are we FILLED with joy but we can outwardly show it because we are glad! That brings it back to the point that others will see and believe!

Those who sow with tears shall reap with songs of joy... Blessings, friends! When we tearfully pray, we are sowing blessings that will reap joy for us. This was a big deal for me that day and continues to be to this day. Our tears are not wasted. They do not fall by the wayside. 

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." -Psalm 56:8 

God sees our suffering and promises to restore us with songs of joy. 

"Return to the stronghold, You prisoners of hope. Even today I declare that I will restore double to you." -Zechariah 9:12

Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow... Another version says 'He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing.' That's more like me. Continually crying in prayer (seed for sowing). I like in this version that instead of "carrying" the seed to sow, it is "bearing" seed for sowing. Sometimes it feels like we are just enduring one pain after another. Bearing exemplifies just how heavy that seed is that we are carrying. 

But take heart!

Will return with songs of joy,carrying sheaves with them or as the NKJV states; 'Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.' All our prayers will come back to us. There is no doubt. One way or another. It may not look like what we prayed for but God promises it will be better than we could have imagined. We go out carrying our prayers and come back carrying our blessings. We reap what we sow and if we sow our prayers in earnest expectation then we can be glad to know we will receive answers to our prayers.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. -Ephesians 3:20

Photo Credit: Pinterest

This was my hope. On a Sunday where hope was resurrected almost 2000 years ago. I prayed He would do the same for me. He has. He will continue to do so. I pray that this has restored a hope inside of you, that it has rekindled your faith as it did for me. God is so good. Keep on praying, keep on hoping and believing. Meanwhile, there is joy in the waiting. God will answer your prayers soon and you will find yourself laughing and singing. Returning back to your old self with songs of joy.

Love,

S

Restoration Project - Rejection

Rejection. The only thing that stings more than hearing the word is feeling the word. Living through it and learning how to cope when what you hope for is denied.

We've all felt some kind of rejection in this life. Failed relationships. The times that you are trying to make it work but it's a two part effort and you're the only one making an effort. Friends that have time for everyone and everything else but you. Plans that wait for a busy schedule to clear while other things fill in ahead of you. Unanswered phone calls, texts, emails - your hope hanging on a line.

These things all scream some pretty nasty words at us. You're not important. If you meant anything then it wouldn't be this way. You can make all the time for someone but that's not going to be reciprocated. Obviously you don't get it. You're stupid to keep trying. Stop trying, it's never going to make a difference. Different nasty words and thoughts, yet they all boil down to the same thing. Rejection.

It feels like I was born into rejection. I was rejected by my parents. Rejected by best friends. Rejected from schools and jobs. Rejected from relationships. Rejected by the people I've trusted the most. Honestly. Some days a girl just wants to give up. 

Rejection takes on many faces. It may not be outright, obvious rejection. In fact, most of the rejection I've ever faced has been subliminal. It's in the words and actions people express. Sometimes in the words and actions people don't express. Maybe I'm the only one, but my mind is constantly in overdrive. I analyze everything. Every word that is said or not said. Everything has a double meaning. There's what you say on the outside and there's the truth that hides behind it.

I'm so busy right now I can't make time for you. I need to look into it so I can find a reason to say no. I wish there was someway I could help you but I don't want to commit to your mess. I'll pray about it because I don't want to go near that with a 10 foot pole.

There's also the rejection where things people say get your hopes up but they never have intentions of following through. I remember as a kid when my uncle would promise we'd go to the park or the zoo on the weekend. I would sit in the window, waiting and watching for him, and my dad would say "I don't know why you're waiting for him, he's not going to show." Dad was right 95% of the time. I've had friends who have said we need to hang out more often, but we never do. Promises of things that would be fulfilled in the future that never came to pass. One day we're going to go here. This summer we'll do this. Even simple plans for coffee or dinner "soon." Nothing that really requires much of an effort, yet the effort is never made.

Othertimes, there was that 5% where my uncle did show, restoring my faith that he does care and he will show the next time too. As a kid you don't get it, We had so much fun. It was such a great day. Why won't he come this time? Please tell me I'm not alone here. That there's moments with people we care about where it seems like there's a reason to hope, only for us to be let down again. I guess as an adult I don't get it either. 

Then there's the really nasty stuff. Where people bring God into the picture as if it's a means to free them from living out any obligation to help, listen, care. You can hear the things they don't say loud and clear; God loves you so I don't have too. God has a plan for your life and it doesn't involve me or the person you are praying for. You should pray about it and let God come up with a solution to your problems. One day God is going to do big things because I don't believe there's hope for you in this situation. There's something better for you or that's what I'll say because I don't believe God is going to bless you this time.

My least favorite are the ones that are deliberate and outright that I've misunderstood God speaking to me. Let me be clear, this is the most sensitive spot in my heart. I have learned to be very careful about what I say and to who because it's had a way of coming back and being used against me and out of context. Specifically, if I share a dream or thought I have, that I believe was placed on me from God, it's extremely insulting to hear others reject those thoughts. This comes from believers and non-believers. What if it doesn't turn out the way you believed God said it would? Sometimes what you believe God has for you is not really what He's going to give to you. It's happened to me so many times. I think you need to let go of that hope. You're never going to be happy with this. I know you think you have it together but you don't. Maybe it's not God and it's just coincidence. If it was going to happen that way then it would have already. 

Lately it's just been unbearable. How is a girl supposed to find relief with this overwhelming world? There are days I just want to leave this planet. Be done with it. Let God say I've finally got it right and call me home.

What I want most is hope. I want someone to be on my side. I want to believe that someone out there cares enough so much about me that they don't would never leave me hanging when I need it the most. I want to know I have someone to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on. I want to be able to express what's bothering me without having to apologize for it. To know that they truly want me to share what concerns me because they love me that much.

Thank God that Jesus became flesh and took on the pains of this world. If there's one overwhelming emotion He dealt with it was rejection. His own people rejected Him. His friends betrayed Him. His family didn't believe Him. Even the people of today, who know He wasn't bluffing after all, still reject Him. In death He still can't catch a break from rejection. I can't imagine the pain of rejection He must have felt, knowing He was going to die for the very people who were crucifying Him. That He was giving His life on the hopes that they would change their ways and be saved for an eternity. What kind of guy does this?

Lord, even when I have trouble all around me, you will keep me alive. When my enemies are angry, you will reach down and save me by your power. ~Psalm 138:7

So how do I cope? I start by turning to my Savior. The one who became flesh to take on rejection so that I could be saved. The things I cry out for in this world, Jesus has become for me. Instead of ridiculing my hope, He encourages my hope and reminds me that "All things with God are possible." He promises to always be with me and to never leave or forsake me. He not only vows to never leave but pursues me when I'm the one walking away. What undeserving grace I have. To be pursued by the King, who died for my sins, who runs after me even if I've become so weary that I declare to just give up. "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God and trust in me." I know I can cry on His shoulder because I've already been there. He wants to offer compassion when I'm hurting.

"I love you with a love that will last forever." ~Jeremiah 31:3

There are days that I grieve because I cannot physically see or touch Jesus. I long to know Him in human form the way the disciples did. There are days I wish I could call Him up and ask if He'd like to get a coffee and sit and watch the waves with me. To stay up late conversing about His plans and our future. To laugh, cry, rejoice, grieve and dance with Him. I want to see His face. To know when He's happy. To see Him stand up against that which hurts me. To know when He's proud of how far I've come. To hear His voice as He says He will never leave me. I ache for the day that I can follow Him forever. To never leave His side. To praise Him and love Him like He has done for me. Until that day I seek Him. He will provide what I need. He will sustain me by bringing people into my life who are going to support, encourage and love me. I've seen quite the demonstration of this lately and one day soon I'll share some of the amazing things He's already done.

The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you. ~Zephaniah 3:17

Love,
S


As a side bar; I know there are friends and family that will read this post and object to my viewpoint. There will be people who want to reply to this message. I am not posting this because I am asking for you to do anything different. This post is not about anyone or anything specific but an overall feeling that begs to be reconstructed by the grace of God. I know I'm loved. I know I have people out there who I can trust and turn to. Please respect my decision to share this message even if you don't agree.