The Aftermath: Rising From the Ashes

I wonder what would happen if I hoped ferociously. If I stand firm in my faith and say that I refuse to believe for anything average. What if I expected something grandiose from God?

Why should my story be anything simple? Why shouldn't I expect that God in all His glory has this elaborate and amazing plan for my life?

I think it's me. I put this small box around God because I know what my life looked like before God and I know what life has looked like in the face of the past two years of absolute heartbreak. I minimized God to fit into my life. I didn't do it on purpose, I wasn't cognitive of it - but I'm thinking on this now and I'm realizing that I'm so deathly afraid that I'll speak of how big God is and then He won't come through in a big way for me. I've taken what I've known from my past, which is striving and hurt and pain with small blessings mixed in, and I expect that for my future. I expect that at the very most God will answer a few of my prayers and maybe I won't be lonely forever. At the very least I expect to continue to see the small blessings mixed in my day to day.

Yet, I've had this stirring in my heart the past few days and it's totally changed things. I still hurt over my past, but as T Swizzle sings, "for the first time, what's past is past." I'm not holding that hurt anymore. It's still there and that's fine. It is something I am sure will always sting at the thought, and maybe there will never be the restoration I'd hoped for. But I know this is not on me and it's not from a lack of me trying. I need to set that aside and refocus my thoughts now.

Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything under the sun. "A time for sowing and a time for reaping." A few months back God spoke to me through this verse and very clearly I understood that maybe it's not that the seed I'm sowing is bad seed, but maybe it's not the time to sow the seed. Just recently I went to a container gardening class. What I learned is that every seed is so different and needs to be handled differently. Some need to be sown before the first frost, some after. Some you can plant in the spring for early harvest but they won't make it through the summer. Some plants are a late harvest and you plant them early and expect to see them later. So many of our lives are the same way. We plant all these different seeds and sometimes nothing sprouts up from them. I can't help but wonder if we are planting them in the wrong season. Or maybe they are just a late harvest bloom and we need to keep waiting.

So I'm putting those hopes and prayers for restoration on the shelf for now. I'm putting on my gloves and I'm digging deeper into my soul than I knew I could go and I'm letting God place the seed in my heart. This seed of hope and a future. I want to see the most beautiful bloom come from this. I want to reap all the joy of trusting in the Lord and waiting patiently for Him. I don't want to miss my time for sowing and something tells me this is the time. This is that moment of unfiltered hope that I've been yearning for. A fresh start and new beginnings, and this time I say it believing it. All those times past I was trying to convince myself and on this day I no longer have to do that. I just believe that this is it.

I heard David Cook's song on the radio the other day. I used to love that song. At one point, I was so obsessed with David Cook I was CONVINCED we we're meant for each other. Lord, help me. But the words of this song are a desire I've had for a long time. A desire for freedom and living life to the fullest. A hope for something more than the brokenness I've walked through. This is the time of my life.

Holding onto things that vanished into the air

Left me in pieces

But now I'm rising from the ashes

Finding my wings and all that I needed

Was there all along within my reach

As close as the beat of my heart

So I'll taste every moment and live it out loud

I know this is the time

This is the time to be more than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

And I'm out on the edge of forever

Ready to run

I'm keeping my feet on the ground

My arms open wide

Face to the sun

So I'll taste every moment and live it out loud

I know this is the time

This is the time to be more than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

-David Cook, The Time of My Life