Thursday, May 28, 2015

The Aftermath: Rising From the Ashes

I wonder what would happen if I hoped ferociously. If I stand firm in my faith and say that I refuse to believe for anything average. What if I expected something grandiose from God?

Why should my story be anything simple? Why shouldn't I expect that God in all His glory has this elaborate and amazing plan for my life?

I think it's me. I put this small box around God because I know what my life looked like before God and I know what life has looked like in the face of the past two years of absolute heartbreak. I minimized God to fit into my life. I didn't do it on purpose, I wasn't cognitive of it - but I'm thinking on this now and I'm realizing that I'm so deathly afraid that I'll speak of how big God is and then He won't come through in a big way for me. I've taken what I've known from my past, which is striving and hurt and pain with small blessings mixed in, and I expect that for my future. I expect that at the very most God will answer a few of my prayers and maybe I won't be lonely forever. At the very least I expect to continue to see the small blessings mixed in my day to day.

Yet, I've had this stirring in my heart the past few days and it's totally changed things. I still hurt over my past, but as T Swizzle sings, "for the first time, what's past is past." I'm not holding that hurt anymore. It's still there and that's fine. It is something I am sure will always sting at the thought, and maybe there will never be the restoration I'd hoped for. But I know this is not on me and it's not from a lack of me trying. I need to set that aside and refocus my thoughts now.

Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything under the sun. "A time for sowing and a time for reaping." A few months back God spoke to me through this verse and very clearly I understood that maybe it's not that the seed I'm sowing is bad seed, but maybe it's not the time to sow the seed. Just recently I went to a container gardening class. What I learned is that every seed is so different and needs to be handled differently. Some need to be sown before the first frost, some after. Some you can plant in the spring for early harvest but they won't make it through the summer. Some plants are a late harvest and you plant them early and expect to see them later. So many of our lives are the same way. We plant all these different seeds and sometimes nothing sprouts up from them. I can't help but wonder if we are planting them in the wrong season. Or maybe they are just a late harvest bloom and we need to keep waiting.

So I'm putting those hopes and prayers for restoration on the shelf for now. I'm putting on my gloves and I'm digging deeper into my soul than I knew I could go and I'm letting God place the seed in my heart. This seed of hope and a future. I want to see the most beautiful bloom come from this. I want to reap all the joy of trusting in the Lord and waiting patiently for Him. I don't want to miss my time for sowing and something tells me this is the time. This is that moment of unfiltered hope that I've been yearning for. A fresh start and new beginnings, and this time I say it believing it. All those times past I was trying to convince myself and on this day I no longer have to do that. I just believe that this is it.

I heard David Cook's song on the radio the other day. I used to love that song. At one point, I was so obsessed with David Cook I was CONVINCED we we're meant for each other. Lord, help me. But the words of this song are a desire I've had for a long time. A desire for freedom and living life to the fullest. A hope for something more than the brokenness I've walked through. This is the time of my life.

Holding onto things that vanished into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I'm rising from the ashes
Finding my wings and all that I needed
Was there all along within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart

So I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time
This is the time to be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life

And I'm out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
I'm keeping my feet on the ground
My arms open wide
Face to the sun

So I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time
This is the time to be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
-David Cook, The Time of My Life


  1. Do you feel a stirring for something specific or are you waiting for God to reveal what He is calli you to? Either way, I love that you're gonna fight for hope and believe the truth in his word that he has good plans for you and he loves you dearly. Looking forward to hearing more about your journey Sheri!!

    1. I specifically feel like God has a story for redemption with my life. I believe He's going to redeem my family life and give me a family of my own. There were times when I wasn't thinking about it and felt moved to tears on hearing how His love can change generations to come. I hold that one dear. So holding out on hope for Him to bring someone into my life who is going to love me for me and fulfill that promise God has. I also feel that He's calling me not to live a comfortable content mundane life, but a life of goodness and happiness and something that gives me passion. Right now I'm focusing on my art and hoping that's where it leads. It would honor my mother who never had the chance to do anything with her gifts, and I know it would honor God. <3

      Thanks for asking and sharing. You are such a beautiful heart! So glad I found you!