Friday, May 22, 2015

The Aftermath: After the Storm

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

Okay, so I've had some time to process and I want to update the blog. I want to update the blog because I want to look back on this in another year and see how the Lord has guided me even from here.

Most of you reading this already know my story. But here's the shortened version if you don't, I loved a guy who was also my best friend - we broke up to work on ourselves - he started dated someone new - I totally broke down and ended up finding Jesus - I followed Jesus through it all expecting God was going to restore this - less than a year later he was engaged - I totally broke down again - less than a year from there (yesterday) I found out he's officially married - and I'm okay.

I'm broken, yes - but not totally. I've cried a whole ton and my heart is crushed. But I no longer believe it's the end. It's been about a day and I've been processing everything. The Lord has been so faithful to me over the course of this storm. I was able to have a text chat with my ex and I finally am able to feel some sort of acceptance for what has become. Does it mean I don't love him anymore or that suddenly it doesn't hurt that his life story didn't include me? Not in the least. I still love him incredibly - in different ways than I did before - some better - some more reserved. It still hurts deeply that this story, this hope I had for a future with this guy who could make me laugh on my worst days, who is able to minister to me so profoundly because he knows me better than anyone else, is not the guy I am going to marry one day.

If you're wondering, I sure am holding back tears as I type this. I still feel that burning in the back of my throat that signals there's about to be a surge of tears coming.

In the past 24 hours through his texts and through some soul searching of my own I've reflected back on where I've come. I've read old Instagram posts where I've shared my ups and downs. I went back and read blog posts from last year and how I thought I'd surely die before I made it to his wedding day. Those were hard but they were good too. I read things where I can see how much pain I was in, how I retaliated with my words and my feelings. I know I was processing the grief and I know those things were real feelings and emotions.

But here I am, at the truth. Partly because I asked and partly because I knew. I still love him and he still cares about me. I still mean all those things I said about his character and how he really is an outstanding guy who has been a pivotal part of my life. I still want to wish him well even though it's like pouring alcohol on a wound. I care, so much. He was my best friend and I know he can't be that for me anymore. I get it and I understand and he never had to say it because I always just knew. But now that we've talked I feel like I have a little more closure, a little more acceptance and I'm ready to embrace the next chapter in my life.

The past two years were so hard. I didn't see it going this way at all. I'm not out of the dark yet, but I can tell just by the words that I'm speaking that I'm on my way. No longer am I self-deprecating. No longer do I feel like I am doomed to be single and alone forever (or at least as long as I don't think too much on it). No longer do I believe there was anything I could have done differently. Yesterday a thought I've dwelled on many times came back to me. If God is sovereign, and His plan for my life was this guy, then it would have most certainly happened. It's hard to rationalize these thoughts sometimes when I throw in the reminder of free will. But I do believe God is a God who redeems His people. My hope and prayer at this point is for full restoration. In a new way. I don't know what that looks like - I don't know how this can come full circle, but Lord, I know it can. Maybe it's 10 years from now. Maybe it's 50. Maybe it's in the next life. I have to have hope that this friendship is not gone forever. This connection that was so sweet and deep and woven so intricately - it can't just be cut up and discarded. If God is really Elohim, if He is really the Master Creator, I know that He would never take a fine woven fabric and cut it up and use the pieces elsewhere. No, He's going to keep weaving and stitching this story together so that when it's all over we can all stand in glory and marvel at just how detailed His work is and how it all was bound together by His perfect love.

I've come a long way. I've seen the good, bad and ugly of this storm. I've lived through it all and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that I didn't pick up my hurt and run in the other direction like I was so tempted to do. Instead I allowed God to do the grueling work of moving through my heart and reshaping the way I think about myself. I allowed Him to remind me that I am secure in His hands and that He most certainly does have a plan for my future. Every little single thing I learned, even if my memory has forgotten, my self has not. I might not remember details but those truths have helped me to be able to stay standing on the rocks while the waves crash around me.

And it is well, with me.

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