Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Aftermath: After the Shock Wears Off

I was okay. I was totally okay. Until I wasn't.

It creeps in and catches me while I'm in the middle of keeping busy. This is real life. Yet, I still can't believe it. The tears have hit me harder than they ever have. My crying has come from someplace deep and unseen. I've been completely shocked at how hard I've cried, because I was totally okay. For the most part, I don't cry as much as I have in the past two years. The reminder still sits in the back of my mind and comes to the forefront of my mind as often as possible though. Sometimes I can brush it off and keep on moving. Other times I find myself pleading with God and broken in tears.

I still don't get it. I don't think I ever will. Yet, more than that now is I realize I don't know this man anymore. When I allowed the truth about what happened really swirl around in my soul for a few minutes, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It instantly put a pit in my stomach. It's one I recognize even though the cause of it is different. This is the same pit I feel in my stomach when someone dies. If I hadn't experienced it yesterday, I wouldn't of remembered ever feeling this way before. But I do. It's the same sinking feeling when you realize this is so real. It's so real and permanent and there's no going back now. This is the feeling of your worst nightmare coming to pass and realizing you don't know who you are anymore. The loss of someone from your life, no matter what kind of loss - takes a part of you with them.

I have sat in my bewildered tears for some time this past weekend. As soon as I realized how real this all was, I felt suddenly like that was another life. Maybe I dreamed it all up? Because I've been removed completely from his life now. He deleted me from Facebook, removed my stuff from his house, and still to this day so many people didn't even know we were together. It's like I was never there. It's so strange to me that a person I trusted more than anyone closed me off completely and I was left blindsided by all of his decisions. I really feel like I don't even know that person anymore. It breaks my heart. Even though in my mind I'm okay, my body is signaling a different story. My IBS has left me with an unsettled stomach most the time and I have completely lost my appetite. Just yesterday it took me all day to eat a can of tuna. All day. In addition, I can now officially confirm that the pain in my shoulder / neck that I've been seeing a chiropractor for, is definitely linked to stress. It has been throbbing and so uncomfortable that it's kept me from being able to really sleep.

So I'm okay, but I'm not. I am trying my best though to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't think I could hold onto Jesus any tighter than I already was but I was wrong. These past few days I really just feel like there's not a single person in this world who understands the weight of all these emotions. No one quite understands why it hurts so much. I don't blame them. I sometimes change my perspective into an outsiders and I can see how it all seems absurd. I can see how to put it all in the past and move on and not look back. I see how this stuff I'm going through had no impact or weight in his life. I can see how it's so easily discarded as not a big deal. I look like a crazy person. I get it. I really wish that I could just take those thoughts and move along. I wish it were that easy. I will tell you one thing though, I'm not going to cover the pain by being busy. I'm not going to distract myself or drink myself into being numb. I've walked those paths. I never really healed from any of my childhood abuse, I didn't process the death of my parents or friends. I'm standing at an opportunity to finally heal so that I can embrace the future fully, knowing I'm not carrying damaging emotions into another relationship. If God is gracious to me and does bring someone else into my life, I need to make sure I do my part now to protect that relationship. Lord knows in 7 more years I cannot be staring down this same pain again. Enough is enough.

There are a lot of promises in the bible. I don't know how to be sure if they are all for me or only specific ones. But I am mulling them over and trying them on for size. I've cried a few times for Jesus to just take me from this world. I really wish He would. Honestly, I can't even imagine anything other than this single girl status for the rest of my life. If that's all it is, then I know I'll keep myself plenty busy - but I know that the deepest desire of my heart will not be met. For me it would be far better to just skip ahead to be with Jesus in person than to have to endure a life less than I had hoped for. Last night I legit thought I was having a heart attack. My arm had gone numb and I had sharp pain in my chest. You know I didn't even panic, I actually felt peace and thanked Jesus. Obviously, I'm still here - but if it does happen, I no longer would feel like I missed out on anything.

To me this is an okay place to be.

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