I know I need to write. In fact I wrote a post yesterday- but I can't share it...yet. It changes things. It changes the past and I'm not really sure that I am ready to be open about that.
But I know I need to write. So I will share what has been happening in my heart. I wonder if anyone can relate to these feelings or if it's just me.
The past few weeks, okay... I guess it's really been a few months now...maybe even a year... I have been trying my hardest. To be a better friend, more caring and thoughtful, more intentional. I've tried being happy and being brave and just really trusting God despite the outlook. I have felt like I have been spinning and spinning away- chaotic, though nothing chaotic is happening. Unrested, even though I am not really so busy that I can't rest. I've been trying to find God in every corner of my world and then I've been sharing that love online.
There is no doubt that I am one of those people who LOVES to share things. There's many reasons why I think that God made me this way.. But I love to share. Good news, good food, good books, good coffee shops... everything. If I stumble upon something great I want everyone else to know. I want everyone else to be as excited as I am. In the past my shares included amazing new music, new restaurants, cute little gift stores.
Instagram has been a game changer. Does anyone even read blogs anymore? I know I have way more eyes that see my IG account than my blog. So I share my heart away on IG. Yet, it has made me feel like a crazy person. Facebook has done the same. Following friends and strangers into their lives. Their beautiful, crazy, picture-perfect, lives. It is exhausting. I have felt myself trying to keep up. The friends who are blasting out project after project while I'm just trying to find my niche. Cute kids and families, pretty hair, stitch-fix wardrobes. I simply can't keep up.
Somedays I can filter out all of that and just see the goodness. I love to share the inspiration I have found from God. Whether finding solace in scripture or seeing His glory in the sky. But I have found lately that I'm just trying to keep up with all the others who are doing the same thing. Others who have way more followers than me. Who are pretty and smart and crazy-in-love with God.
Without realizing it I have been competing with my followers. Trying to keep up. It intertwines with my desire to get in line with Gods will. To be the person He created me to be. Surely if I can get to that place then things will start to fall in line for me, too.
I stayed up one morning until 4 am. Tossing and turning and never really falling asleep. Finally I sat up and yelled to God. What is it, God?? Why am I up? What do You want to say to me? I'm tired and I need to sleep and I can't face tomorrow or subsequent days without this sleep.....
Then I proceeded to list off to God all the ways that I'm trying to do this life. I'm reading my bible, I'm sharing the news, I am loving others, I'm trying to face the day with courage and bravery and lean on my trust in You. Why is this not enough? Will I ever be enough? I just want to be better God. I want to stop crying, I want to be secure in You. I don't want to think about the past anymore. I want to forget everything and just move on. I want to discover the purpose in all of this and just be a better person. I am ready to get past all of this. I want to be enough so that people in my life and online stop unfollowing me.
At this point I'm bawling my eyes out in desperation. What in the world am I missing? What am I not doing that I should be? Because, truthfully, I'm tired of spinning and spinning my tires and still being stuck in the mud. Can't a girl get a little help, God?
Then like a soft whisper to my heart it dawns on me. I'm trying to get on God's path. Trying to fight through this wilderness to find the path that He has for me. But Jesus wants to meet me where I am. He wants to come with me. He wants to walk by my side in the wilderness and in the clearing. He wants to hold back the pricker bushes and the sticks that scrape-you-til-you-bleed. He wants to let me walk through the wilderness with Him as my companion. Not alone but with Him. I don't have to find Him. I have to let Him find me. Like a parent says to a child, "If you get lost, stay where you are and I will come find you." Though I'm not lost, per say, I am alone and in need of someone to come walk with me through this.
The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.... [Exodus 14:14, NIV]
I feel it in my soul that I already am where God wants me to be. I've been spending so much time trying to be the image of a perfect Christian instead of being more like the image of a perfect Christ. I'm trying to keep up with my peers when God is asking me to be still and let Him unfold His plan. I keep trying to get to the X on my map not realizing that's not where God wants me to be right now.
And lately I have been learning about how God doesn't need us. He created an entire universe without our help, why should I think for a moment He needs me to do anything in order for Him to make things happen. I'm also slowly learning that God doesn't wait for us to learn our lesson before He gives us something new. I've been searching for answers like my life depends on it. Like there's no way I can move forward until I make certain realizations. Until I find out the truths that God wants me to learn from this season in my life. But reading through Exodus lately tells me that can't be the case. Before the Israelites even fully understood what God was doing, He was already doing it. Putting people in place to unfold His plan to rescue those in distress. I'm also willing to bet many of the Israelites never really got it. Yet, that didn't stop God from showing His love and blessing the people at just His right time.
The Lord will fight for you, and you only have to be silent.... [Exodus 14:14, ESV]
So if you see that I've been quiet on social media it's because I'm trying to be silent & still. [Both of these translations from Exodus have been major in my healing and growth this past year]. I'm trying to remove the distractions from my life so I can gain my footing. It's been extremely difficult to not share but I know this is temporary. In the end the things worth sharing will still be shared. When the time is right. I feel like I have been trying to prove myself to the world, to friends and family who expect that I would be 'over it' by now, to myself and to God. I found that I was sharing in an attempt to cover up the deep-seated hurt that still is buried in my heart. To convince myself that I'm okay. I am slowly realizing this isn't a quick-fix. I can't cover up my hurt with pictures of pretty flowers and inspirational scripture. So I want to keep my focus on being quiet enough to let Him minister to my broken heart. To let Him breathe His goodness into my life.
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. [Matthew 11:28-30]
I don't want to be so distracted that I miss it. Too addicted to refreshing my newsfeed as His word sits on the table in front of me just waiting for my attention. Instead of doing things on my own I want to let Him do it. The realization that things will happen whether God does it or I do it is refreshing. The knowledge that He wants to take this burden from me, if only I would be brave enough to let go of it and trust it in His hands instead.