Wishing I Was More Than What My Story Has Told

Photo Credit: Bing Wright

The past few weeks I have been angry.

Really angry. Hurt. Upset. And angry.

I know in a lot of ways I don't feel like I deserve the things I do not have. So I get that.

But I know I don't deserve to have been treated the way I was. And that makes me angry.

The fact that I cared so much about someone and they behaved in a way that shows the least concern possible, that makes me angry. 

I've turned my back on God. Not to shoo him away but I just haven't made an effort.

I know He's still there. When I do apply myself to His word, He has faithfully opened my heart to understanding beyond what I have ever been able to fully comprehend. I usually end up being blown away. But I don't want to hear about how God came through for the Israelites thousands of years ago. I want to know how He's going to come through for me now.

I've missed more church in the past few weeks than I have in a year. I don't even miss it. Which is so awful to say, but I promised honesty here.

My prayer life has almost stopped. It's certainly not as deep and meaningful as it used to be. I still pray for others but I'm not really praying for myself. I know I'm at a loss of what to pray for anymore... Yet, I also think it's more than that. I'm sick of praying about it. I'm sick of asking to see God move. I don't want to pray about it just like I don't want to think about it. In a way it almost feels like I'm fighting with God. Like He's the one who acted out of character. How true I know that isn't, but right now I don't even know what to say to Him.

You know the old adage? Your brain cannot process two different pains at the same time?

I have been in a lot of pain since last week. At times excruciating and debilitating. I finally went to the doctor on Wednesday when I literally could not get out of bed. He diagnosed me with a muscle spasm in my neck and shoulder.He told me it acts exactly like a charlie horse. Where the muscle tightens and cannot relax. Despite being out of work and despite the fact that the ibuprofen 800 and the muscle relaxers didn't touch my pain, I never prayed for healing.

I don't know. I think in some ways I didn't care. That I welcomed the physical pain to cover up the pain I've been feeling in my heart. But I have since learned you can't cover up a broken heart. Our hearts, or at least mine, does not operate in unison with my brain. Gee thanks, heart.

I think know, I fully trusted God. As I sit here in the broken pieces it feels like I was let down by the One we are told we can trust. I believed in Him coming through for me in every ounce of the situation. Yet, He let me down. 

While I know He is good - I know He can be trusted, it's like my heart doesn't care anymore.

I put my hope in the Lord and then I was disappointed. While He is not the one that disappointed me, He could have prevented it. He allowed this to happen. Truth be told, I'm sick of waiting for whatever His plan is.

I think about this and I just get angry all over again.

Because it feels like there are two sides.

There's his side and there's mine. and God doesn't seem to be on my side.

Right now it feels like it's just emptiness. The person I want to talk to, I can't.

Every single morning I wake up and quiz myself:

Like Peeta to Katniss, "You love me - Real or Not Real?"

Not Real.

Only backwards, "You left me - Real or Not Real?"

Real.

It's the reality that hurts. That causes it to sink in the very dark, lonely corners of my heart.

And I'm just so tired of feeling this way.

I want to pick up all my baggage and get on the bus.

Then I want to get off the bus in some far away place with no direction as to how to get back home and I want to leave my baggage on the bus and just go. Let my baggage be shipped off with no return to sender.

I want to start over. I want a pill that erases the bitter memories that won't stop replaying in my mind.

It's all so easier said than done. Yet, no one really understands that. Don't you think that I want to put this in the past? I find no joy in being held hostage by memories and hopes and dreams that are crushed. As much as everyone wants to suggest I move on, I want that too. 

I've asked God to send me someone else so I can affirm that He has a plan.

But partially, I'm just trying to cover my hurt. God knows it too.

I know the answer is simple. Move on. Get over it and move on. He had no problem doing it, so neither should you. I would sell everything I had to buy the one thing that would make this possible. If only such a thing existed. 

I'm sick of facing my pain because it's all I see and it's debilitating.

I sit in my quiet life, with hardly any text messages and even fewer phone calls and I just wonder how the heck did it come to this. I can literally feel the bitterness and hurt boiling beneath the surface in my blood. Everywhere I look, reminders are staring me in the face. It feels like one of those "Fun Houses" at the carnival that you can't wait to get out of. With mirrors and doom everywhere you look and you can't make heads or tails out of where you are going. It feels like crazy, over the top, chaos. Reminders are everywhere. It would take a whole other blog post to cover the insanity of all the ways it comes up throughout the day. Satan must be having a field day with me. Truthfully, it feels like I'm living in Satan's "Fun House" but somehow keep missing the exit, only to be spun around the punching bags and deceiving mirrors all over again. 

Yesterday I went to an arts festival. I had to hold my heart in place as I looked upon all the beautiful antiques that could have come directly out of my grandmothers house. All those cherished pieces thrown in a dumpster by my uncle who didn't consider calling first an option. 

Yet, I felt joy too. Because while I was there I realized the one thing that was missing. And I want so badly to fill that void of what was missing for next years art festival. It's scary and it's exciting and I'm so out of my league. Then I wanted to share the hope and dream with the one person who always encouraged me. Then I remember. I can't. He's not here anymore. He stopped believing in me. Stopped caring. Suddenly, it doesn't even matter to me anymore either.

So today, I just cry. I can't help it and I can't stop. I'm avoiding friends and I'm avoiding talking. Because no one gets it. Everyone wants to provide an answer or fluffy "It'll get better. Trust God. God has a plan. He wouldn't take away something good if He didn't have something better planned." This all may be true. Well, I say to that, I will believe it when I see it. 

I hate to fit myself into the category of Doubting Thomas - but I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for the pieces to fall into place. I've tried so hard to do things "the right way" and yet it seems like it makes no difference really. I'm tired of waiting. 

So why am I posting about it? Because I don't feel like writing today. It takes too long and I'm not in the mood. Because I know that only a few eyes will even see this post. 

Because God's not reading my journal so I doubt He's reading my blog.

He knows it all anyways, so no big deal there.

Never in my worst nightmare could I have dreamed up the brokenness I've been living.

Never would I have believed you if you told me this person would hurt me this way - just not a chance.

I'm still in so much disbelief - I need to keep reminding myself though, that it's real.

It's all so very raw and realer than real.

I have to keep reminding myself that someone else is in my place.

Loving the family I loved.

Loving the guy I loved.

Living the life I prayed would be mine.

And I'm just an outsider.

I think back to when my parents died. I don't think I grieved this hard. I think I just accepted the fact that it was over and there's no erasing death so I just moved on. I didn't ask questions, I didn't yell at God, I just carried on. I still hung out with friends, I still worked (doubles every day for 14 days straight), even though I cried, it didn't affect me like this.

I want to go back to being 21 again. I want to go back to being young and carefree. When life still seemed possible. When I felt like I had a future ahead of me. When I was ridiculous enough to believe that one day somebody was going to love me enough to stay. 

I'm coming through this desert of stone

These faces on the statues that I used to know

Wishing I was more than what my story has told

Or hoping that I'm dreaming in the day and this isn't happening

Gotta keep it altogether

Longing for a hand to hold

Keep clear of the shadows

Is there anybody, anybody?

Hello, is anybody listening?

Let go, as everyone lets go of me..

Oh oh, won't somebody show me that I'm not alone, not alone

Holding on to the memories of when I didn't know

        "Ignorance isn't wise but it beats being alone."

                                         - Kelly Clarkson, "Hello"