I'm posting this today because after writing these words yesterday, I came in direct contact with my biggest fear. While God did shield me from the worst part, it really knocked me down. Reading back these words to myself I was reminded of God's great love for me. I was reminded that He does have a plan and this pain has a purpose. I may not always understand or see the bigger picture, but thank goodness He does.
Out of left field I keep getting hit with these raw emotions. They are just so frustrating that lately they've turned to anger, and only because I promise transparency, a little bit of hate, too. I'm sick of feeling all these emotions for someone & their someones. For people I trusted to care about me and stay by my side like they promised - that didn't complete their end of the promise.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. Even if this wasn't God's plan, I can most assuredly say that He never intended for me to be hurt in this way. Betrayal, false hope, lies, lack of answers. God calls us to love. Love does not lead astray- fear, uncertainty and misguided intentions do. Love does not lie but speaks truth. Love does not hide but stands in the mess and offers understanding. Love does not say 'get over it,' but instead asks how it can help.
Knowing I loved someone who didn't love me back is the most difficult thing to combat with truth. It fights back daily with lies and hurt. It calls it like it sees it. What is here now is the emotional mess that I was left to manage while he moved on into the sunset of his wonderful life with someone else. As if I never even existed.
Yes, I know I'm bitter. I already admitted I'm hurt. Going through these motions I knew it would be tough. Allowing God to heal the parts of me that were broken from birth and then smashed some more hasn't been easy.
I have to believe God has something good for me. Because this isn't good. Even if this came back on a silver platter with all I could be enticed with, I would still walk away. Because this is not how it's supposed to be. I am supposed to be loved and cared for. Always. Not just when it's convenient. I believe this because God says it's true (though I am still working on years of disbelief) and even more so because God commands it.
The phrase "Love means never having to say you're sorry" is bogus. As a culture I'm sure people hear this and believe it. Because wouldn't it be great if we could just go around breaking hearts and hurting peoples feelings and not have to apologize for our wrongdoings? "I do it because I love you" - another one of those sayings that makes it okay to stomp on peoples dreams and run them through the grater. Not okay. Not okay. Not okay.
Love does mean having to say you're sorry. Love means admitting that you were a jerk and disregarded the heart of another person. Love means admitting you were selfish and one-track-minded.
I thought I was loved once but I realize now I don't know love. I think of the line in Jeff Buckley's, Hallelujah, "Maybe there's a God above but all I've ever learned from love is how to shoot somebody who outdrew you." We don't know love and so we don't know how to give love. We teach each other how to hurt one another in order to avoid confrontation. To live an easy pain-free life. We walk away when it gets tough. This is not love. God is love. God sets the example of the way we are supposed to live. That means being honest when you screwed up, admitting you aren't sure why things are the way they are, and then finding a way to make amends if nothing else. But you put in the work. That's love. It's humble and it's kind. It doesn't boast. It doesn't play games or lead you down a dark rabbit hole of mental and spiritual exhaustion.
Love fights for it's own.
I'm not going to lie, my favorite movies are the ones where the guy comes back. My favorite songs tell the guy how to get the girl back and paint a picture of love winning. I want love to win. But not like this. For a very long time I did. I believed that this messy broken love that was absorbed but not reciprocated was the most I could ever be worthy of. I believed it was the best I would ever find. I believed that I could make things better and I could learn to live with never feeling fully sought after and never fully feeling like I measure up. But God saw me and God knew. He knew that what was in my heart was the willingness to settle for something that would leave me empty. He saw a desperation to make things work with a guy who never would make the effort back. A guy who did what was easier for himself. One who would rather start fresh than work on repairing what was once beautiful and just needed some elbow grease. Lately I feel the quiet reminder, all things will wear and tear. Not just the things that I touch, but all things. New and shiny things eventually dull just like everything else. Nothing and no one is exempt.
It still hurts because no matter what I will always have love for a person that meant a lot for a certain place in my life. When I think about how I could love a person who ended things the way he did, I feel hate for him. I don't know what's better at this point. Loving someone who threw me away or hating someone who lead me to believe he was different.
I need to believe that God loves far beyond what my mind and heart can grasp. And this God wants to give me something better than a broken heart and a messy fairytale. This is not God's plan for me. His plan is good, so good - and I am so ready to claim His truths as my reality. I'm ready for God to write a story that shows His hand of favor and blessing. I know that He is kind and loving and His plan for me includes a guy with these same traits. A guy who believes that restoring something has more value than replacing it with something new. Love is hard work but if you put in the work you will reap what you sow.
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