Unedited.

No words, my tears won't make any room for more

and it don't hurt like anything i've ever felt before.

This is no broken heart, no familiar scars,

this territory goes uncharted.

-Sara

This post won't be long. At least I don't want it to be.

I still have so many words and emotions that I don't even know how to begin organizing them.

My last post was one of those things that someone would write about loving life and appreciating the glory of it all or offhandedly thanking their family and friends for always being there and how it will never be forgotten, you know, the day before they die. Eerie. Prophetic. It was like that.

First, you should know that after careful deliberation that I changed the name 3 times before happily settling on "Moving Forward."

Two days later in church? Pastor started a new series titled "Moving Forward." He too, said that he changed the title several times before settling on that one. I'm pretty sure I sat through the remainder of the service with my jaw dropped to the floor. Talk about confirmation.

I posted online after a prayerful day, a day that seemed to surpass peace amidst an unsettled feeling, that even though nothing has changed everything has.

I didn't know. I couldn't have. But I did.

I slept with my Christmas lights on in my bedroom Sunday night, so I could feel His light. I never told you this because it happened before I gave birth to this blog, but during Christmas this was all I could do to survive. I have never been so heartbroken, so betrayed, so lost as I was at Christmas time. So I slept with these lights that I strung behind my bookshelf to remind me of God's light in the darkness. Even though they keep me up all night (I need complete darkness to sleep), I was up anyways so it didn't matter.

Monday night I slept with my bible in my bed. Not just in bed but next to me. I had this overwhelming sense that I needed to keep my hand on it. So all night I slept touching my bible. If I turned over I jumped up looking to see where it went. It was so strange.

Then Tuesday, my past that I didn't want to see steamroll me? Well, I succeeded, because I didn't see it coming. It came faster and harder than I could have ever imagined in my worst nightmare.

And things since then have been really hard. 

Why am I telling you this? I don't know.

I really believed God was going to answer my prayers. I really believed His plan looked different. For reasons beyond what I feel like sharing anymore. I've never been so sure of something so impossible and had it come crashing down all around me. 

So in a million ways I feel like a failure. I feel like I tried to show everyone the goodness of God and this is not at all what I was expecting. I feel like I've let down my friends and family. Boasting about a Love that let my dreams shatter. 

I let God down. I said some really mean hurtful things. I asked Jesus to take back my salvation and my first breath because honestly, I just don't feel deserving of them. Especially after my behavior. I took communion in church and cursed myself the whole time. I felt like an outsider. But I wanted so desperately to still feel connected and so I did what I thought would bring me closer to Him. When church was over I ran out as fast as I could. I felt like I might spontaneously combust from my lack of faith.

I know as Christians we are supposed to trust God and have faith. But I have to tell you, when this first happened I wanted to walk away. This past year of my life has been THE HARDEST year to date. I don't know what's happening. I truly don't understand. If there's one phrase I could caption that I've said the most since that wretched Tuesday, it would be that I don't understand.

I don't understand why I believed.

I don't understand how to hear God's voice after all.

I don't understand how this is happening to me.

I don't understand what I could have done differently.

I don't understand how I can mean so little after all these years.

I don't understand. I just don't.

And on and on.

So I'm writing only to say that I am truly sorry. I'm sorry I lead you down this rabbit hole without knowing where the end will come out. I thought I did. And because I wasn't expecting this, I crashed hard. I'm sorry you had to see my breakdown when I should have remained strong. I'm sorry that you've had to console me when I was truly inconsolable. Every God truth that was spoken to me was quickly combated with all the reasons why it no longer applied to me.

But.

I believe God has a plan. I believe He has chosen me to be a part of His Kingdom.
I do believe that He intends to make good out of my suffering. Not necessarily this specifically but everything in the past 31 years. 

But it doesn't take away the fact that I don't understand and can't seem to move past this.

A good Christian should be able to 'Let go and let God' and all these other things that say God is in control.

I get it. But I don't.

So I'm sorry that you've had to endure these past few weeks with me.

Friends (this includes all my amazing online peeps) and family, you have been so incredibly amazing.

Your prayers, words, thoughts, encouragement... I take none of it for granted.

Please, you have to know that.

I know I can feel Him consoling me here on the ground.

I am so thankful there is a life greater after this one, because nothing in this world makes sense to me.

Love,
S

Photo Credit: The World Roamer