Silent & Still

I know I need to write. In fact I wrote a post yesterday- but I can't share it...yet. It changes things. It changes the past and I'm not really sure that I am ready to be open about that.

But I know I need to write. So I will share what has been happening in my heart. I wonder if anyone can relate to these feelings or if it's just me.

The past few weeks, okay... I guess it's really been a few months now...maybe even a year... I have been trying my hardest. To be a better friend, more caring and thoughtful, more intentional. I've tried being happy and being brave and just really trusting God despite the outlook. I have felt like I have been spinning and spinning away- chaotic, though nothing chaotic is happening. Unrested, even though I am not really so busy that I can't rest. I've been trying to find God in every corner of my world and then I've been sharing that love online.

There is no doubt that I am one of those people who LOVES to share things. There's many reasons why I think that God made me this way.. But I love to share. Good news, good food, good books, good coffee shops... everything. If I stumble upon something great I want everyone else to know. I want everyone else to be as excited as I am. In the past my shares included amazing new music, new restaurants, cute little gift stores.

Instagram has been a game changer. Does anyone even read blogs anymore? I know I have way more eyes that see my IG account than my blog. So I share my heart away on IG. Yet, it has made me feel like a crazy person. Facebook has done the same. Following friends and strangers into their lives. Their beautiful, crazy, picture-perfect, lives. It is exhausting. I have felt myself trying to keep up. The friends who are blasting out project after project while I'm just trying to find my niche. Cute kids and families, pretty hair, stitch-fix wardrobes. I simply can't keep up.

Somedays I can filter out all of that and just see the goodness. I love to share the inspiration I have found from God. Whether finding solace in scripture or seeing His glory in the sky. But I have found lately that I'm just trying to keep up with all the others who are doing the same thing. Others who have way more followers than me. Who are pretty and smart and crazy-in-love with God.

Without realizing it I have been competing with my followers. Trying to keep up. It intertwines with my desire to get in line with Gods will. To be the person He created me to be. Surely if I can get to that place then things will start to fall in line for me, too.

I stayed up one morning until 4 am. Tossing and turning and never really falling asleep. Finally I sat up and yelled to God. What is it, God?? Why am I up? What do You want to say to me? I'm tired and I need to sleep and I can't face tomorrow or subsequent days without this sleep..... 

Then I proceeded to list off to God all the ways that I'm trying to do this life. I'm reading my bible, I'm sharing the news, I am loving others, I'm trying to face the day with courage and bravery and lean on my trust in You. Why is this not enough? Will I ever be enough? I just want to be better God. I want to stop crying, I want to be secure in You. I don't want to think about the past anymore. I want to forget everything and just move on. I want to discover the purpose in all of this and just be a better person. I am ready to get past all of this. I want to be enough so that people in my life and online stop unfollowing me.

At this point I'm bawling my eyes out in desperation. What in the world am I missing? What am I not doing that I should be? Because, truthfully, I'm tired of spinning and spinning my tires and still being stuck in the mud. Can't a girl get a little help, God?

Then like a soft whisper to my heart it dawns on me. I'm trying to get on God's path. Trying to fight through this wilderness to find the path that He has for me. But Jesus wants to meet me where I am. He wants to come with me. He wants to walk by my side in the wilderness and in the clearing. He wants to hold back the pricker bushes and the sticks that scrape-you-til-you-bleed. He wants to let me walk through the wilderness with Him as my companion. Not alone but with Him. I don't have to find Him. I have to let Him find me. Like a parent says to a child, "If you get lost, stay where you are and I will come find you." Though I'm not lost, per say, I am alone and in need of someone to come walk with me through this.

The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.... [Exodus 14:14, NIV]

I feel it in my soul that I already am where God wants me to be. I've been spending so much time trying to be the image of a perfect Christian instead of being more like the image of a perfect Christ. I'm trying to keep up with my peers when God is asking me to be still and let Him unfold His plan. I keep trying to get to the X on my map not realizing that's not where God wants me to be right now.

And lately I have been learning about how God doesn't need us. He created an entire universe without our help, why should I think for a moment He needs me to do anything in order for Him to make things happen. I'm also slowly learning that God doesn't wait for us to learn our lesson before He gives us something new. I've been searching for answers like my life depends on it. Like there's no way I can move forward until I make certain realizations. Until I find out the truths that God wants me to learn from this season in my life. But reading through Exodus lately tells me that can't be the case. Before the Israelites even fully understood what God was doing, He was already doing it. Putting people in place to unfold His plan to rescue those in distress. I'm also willing to bet many of the Israelites never really got it. Yet, that didn't stop God from showing His love and blessing the people at just His right time.

The Lord will fight for you, and you only have to be silent.... [Exodus 14:14, ESV] 

So if you see that I've been quiet on social media it's because I'm trying to be silent & still. [Both of these translations from Exodus have been major in my healing and growth this past year]. I'm trying to remove the distractions from my life so I can gain my footing. It's been extremely difficult to not share but I know this is temporary. In the end the things worth sharing will still be shared. When the time is right. I feel like I have been trying to prove myself to the world, to friends and family who expect that I would be 'over it' by now, to myself and to God. I found that I was sharing in an attempt to cover up the deep-seated hurt that still is buried in my heart. To convince myself that I'm okay. I am slowly realizing this isn't a quick-fix. I can't cover up my hurt with pictures of pretty flowers and inspirational scripture. So I want to keep my focus on being quiet enough to let Him minister to my broken heart. To let Him breathe His goodness into my life.

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. [Matthew 11:28-30]

I don't want to be so distracted that I miss it. Too addicted to refreshing my newsfeed as His word sits on the table in front of me just waiting for my attention. Instead of doing things on my own I want to let Him do it. The realization that things will happen whether God does it or I do it is refreshing. The knowledge that He wants to take this burden from me, if only I would be brave enough to let go of it and trust it in His hands instead.

XO,
S

Wishing I Was More Than What My Story Has Told

Photo Credit: Bing Wright

The past few weeks I have been angry.

Really angry. Hurt. Upset. And angry.

I know in a lot of ways I don't feel like I deserve the things I do not have. So I get that.

But I know I don't deserve to have been treated the way I was. And that makes me angry.

The fact that I cared so much about someone and they behaved in a way that shows the least concern possible, that makes me angry. 

I've turned my back on God. Not to shoo him away but I just haven't made an effort.

I know He's still there. When I do apply myself to His word, He has faithfully opened my heart to understanding beyond what I have ever been able to fully comprehend. I usually end up being blown away. But I don't want to hear about how God came through for the Israelites thousands of years ago. I want to know how He's going to come through for me now.

I've missed more church in the past few weeks than I have in a year. I don't even miss it. Which is so awful to say, but I promised honesty here.

My prayer life has almost stopped. It's certainly not as deep and meaningful as it used to be. I still pray for others but I'm not really praying for myself. I know I'm at a loss of what to pray for anymore... Yet, I also think it's more than that. I'm sick of praying about it. I'm sick of asking to see God move. I don't want to pray about it just like I don't want to think about it. In a way it almost feels like I'm fighting with God. Like He's the one who acted out of character. How true I know that isn't, but right now I don't even know what to say to Him.

You know the old adage? Your brain cannot process two different pains at the same time?

I have been in a lot of pain since last week. At times excruciating and debilitating. I finally went to the doctor on Wednesday when I literally could not get out of bed. He diagnosed me with a muscle spasm in my neck and shoulder.He told me it acts exactly like a charlie horse. Where the muscle tightens and cannot relax. Despite being out of work and despite the fact that the ibuprofen 800 and the muscle relaxers didn't touch my pain, I never prayed for healing.

I don't know. I think in some ways I didn't care. That I welcomed the physical pain to cover up the pain I've been feeling in my heart. But I have since learned you can't cover up a broken heart. Our hearts, or at least mine, does not operate in unison with my brain. Gee thanks, heart.

I think know, I fully trusted God. As I sit here in the broken pieces it feels like I was let down by the One we are told we can trust. I believed in Him coming through for me in every ounce of the situation. Yet, He let me down. 

While I know He is good - I know He can be trusted, it's like my heart doesn't care anymore.

I put my hope in the Lord and then I was disappointed. While He is not the one that disappointed me, He could have prevented it. He allowed this to happen. Truth be told, I'm sick of waiting for whatever His plan is.

I think about this and I just get angry all over again.

Because it feels like there are two sides.

There's his side and there's mine. and God doesn't seem to be on my side.

Right now it feels like it's just emptiness. The person I want to talk to, I can't.

Every single morning I wake up and quiz myself:

Like Peeta to Katniss, "You love me - Real or Not Real?"

Not Real.

Only backwards, "You left me - Real or Not Real?"

Real.

It's the reality that hurts. That causes it to sink in the very dark, lonely corners of my heart.

And I'm just so tired of feeling this way.

I want to pick up all my baggage and get on the bus.

Then I want to get off the bus in some far away place with no direction as to how to get back home and I want to leave my baggage on the bus and just go. Let my baggage be shipped off with no return to sender.

I want to start over. I want a pill that erases the bitter memories that won't stop replaying in my mind.

It's all so easier said than done. Yet, no one really understands that. Don't you think that I want to put this in the past? I find no joy in being held hostage by memories and hopes and dreams that are crushed. As much as everyone wants to suggest I move on, I want that too. 

I've asked God to send me someone else so I can affirm that He has a plan.

But partially, I'm just trying to cover my hurt. God knows it too.

I know the answer is simple. Move on. Get over it and move on. He had no problem doing it, so neither should you. I would sell everything I had to buy the one thing that would make this possible. If only such a thing existed. 

I'm sick of facing my pain because it's all I see and it's debilitating.

I sit in my quiet life, with hardly any text messages and even fewer phone calls and I just wonder how the heck did it come to this. I can literally feel the bitterness and hurt boiling beneath the surface in my blood. Everywhere I look, reminders are staring me in the face. It feels like one of those "Fun Houses" at the carnival that you can't wait to get out of. With mirrors and doom everywhere you look and you can't make heads or tails out of where you are going. It feels like crazy, over the top, chaos. Reminders are everywhere. It would take a whole other blog post to cover the insanity of all the ways it comes up throughout the day. Satan must be having a field day with me. Truthfully, it feels like I'm living in Satan's "Fun House" but somehow keep missing the exit, only to be spun around the punching bags and deceiving mirrors all over again. 

Yesterday I went to an arts festival. I had to hold my heart in place as I looked upon all the beautiful antiques that could have come directly out of my grandmothers house. All those cherished pieces thrown in a dumpster by my uncle who didn't consider calling first an option. 

Yet, I felt joy too. Because while I was there I realized the one thing that was missing. And I want so badly to fill that void of what was missing for next years art festival. It's scary and it's exciting and I'm so out of my league. Then I wanted to share the hope and dream with the one person who always encouraged me. Then I remember. I can't. He's not here anymore. He stopped believing in me. Stopped caring. Suddenly, it doesn't even matter to me anymore either.

So today, I just cry. I can't help it and I can't stop. I'm avoiding friends and I'm avoiding talking. Because no one gets it. Everyone wants to provide an answer or fluffy "It'll get better. Trust God. God has a plan. He wouldn't take away something good if He didn't have something better planned." This all may be true. Well, I say to that, I will believe it when I see it. 

I hate to fit myself into the category of Doubting Thomas - but I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for the pieces to fall into place. I've tried so hard to do things "the right way" and yet it seems like it makes no difference really. I'm tired of waiting. 

So why am I posting about it? Because I don't feel like writing today. It takes too long and I'm not in the mood. Because I know that only a few eyes will even see this post. 

Because God's not reading my journal so I doubt He's reading my blog.

He knows it all anyways, so no big deal there.

Never in my worst nightmare could I have dreamed up the brokenness I've been living.

Never would I have believed you if you told me this person would hurt me this way - just not a chance.

I'm still in so much disbelief - I need to keep reminding myself though, that it's real.

It's all so very raw and realer than real.

I have to keep reminding myself that someone else is in my place.

Loving the family I loved.

Loving the guy I loved.

Living the life I prayed would be mine.

And I'm just an outsider.

I think back to when my parents died. I don't think I grieved this hard. I think I just accepted the fact that it was over and there's no erasing death so I just moved on. I didn't ask questions, I didn't yell at God, I just carried on. I still hung out with friends, I still worked (doubles every day for 14 days straight), even though I cried, it didn't affect me like this.

I want to go back to being 21 again. I want to go back to being young and carefree. When life still seemed possible. When I felt like I had a future ahead of me. When I was ridiculous enough to believe that one day somebody was going to love me enough to stay. 

I'm coming through this desert of stone

These faces on the statues that I used to know

Wishing I was more than what my story has told

Or hoping that I'm dreaming in the day and this isn't happening

Gotta keep it altogether

Longing for a hand to hold

Keep clear of the shadows

Is there anybody, anybody?

Hello, is anybody listening?

Let go, as everyone lets go of me..

Oh oh, won't somebody show me that I'm not alone, not alone

Holding on to the memories of when I didn't know

        "Ignorance isn't wise but it beats being alone."

                                         - Kelly Clarkson, "Hello"

If I Hadn't

While I am someone who is always optimistic for others it is hard for me to do the same when it comes to my own circumstances. Lately, I have been challenged by a few friends to take my thoughts captive and speak truth over them. In a way that is conducive to how God operates, this same concept keeps popping up in other places.

How it works is simple, instead of feeling like I'm not enough I can choose to say, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." [Psalm 139:14] Instead of saying I'm not worth anything I can choose to say, "I am a chosen person...God's special possession." [1 Peter 2:9] Speaking scripture over ones own feelings in order to change what you believe can get you into positive-right thinking.

Don't get me wrong, the idea is simple but it can be hard to do. Growing up the way I did and the feelings that have been instilled from certain friendships and relationships all have reinforced the negative perception I tend to have of myself. It doesn't make it any easier that I don't like to give myself credit, even where credit is due, so sometimes speaking God's truths over my insecurity is a lot harder than it should be.

With this in mind, God has been working in my heart.

Today, I drove to Lincoln Woods State Park in RI. I've never been here before but I was armed with a camera and a purpose. My sister was kind enough to let me borrow her camera to get the feel for it to see if this is something I want to pursue, even if just recreationally. There's only so much I can capture on my little iPhone and sometimes it just leaves me frustrated. I want the intentionality of the camera. The resistance that makes each shot more purposeful, more thought out, more focused. I want to be able to capture the beauty of the world around me and I want photos worthy of framing. It's very hard to grab this kind of goodness through the iPhone camera. But maybe that's just me.

As I was driving I passed the sign on the highway for the exit I wanted to take. With no thanks to Siri (or whatever lady runs my maps app), she had me routed to take the following exit. Already I was a little annoyed with her. After all, she keeps getting me spun around in the city and as of late she can't seem to make up her mind. But as I drove the round about way, I saw some pretty great scenery. Farms and roads I wouldn't have seen had I taken the way everyone else does. It was so pretty in some spots I said I would stop on my way back to snap a few photos.

I drove through the park and felt a little overwhelmed. Since I've never been here before I didn't know the layout and there were a lot of roads that jutted out and went to small parking spots. I knew I wanted to get close to the pond so I drove until I could see a portion of it and then I parked. I wandered to the waters edge and snapped a few photos just trying to get my feel for the camera. Once I had my fill of that I walked down the road past the main entrance, the one I should have entered through. I wasn't too far past the entrance yet it was completely still with no one else really around. A car would pass by every few minutes. I was playing with the camera when my eye caught something. Then I realized what it was.

A small deer was crossing the main path. I was able to snap a few photos of the deer in a moment that felt longer than it probably truly was. I'm pretty sure on your first rookie day out in the field you're not supposed to capture something so beautiful. The fact that the deer lingered long enough for me to focus a few shots was amazing. Here I am in the woods and a deer just literally crossed my path.

Like, seriously? Only God.

This was only the beginning of me walking around and snapping photos. I couldn't help but thinking the whole time though, if I hadn't come through the back entrance, I would have never captured that.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this. I am such a "I shouldn't have" or "I should have" girl. Especially as of late, losing a relationship that meant the most to me, I can't help but call myself out on all the things I did wrong or didn't do right.

Yet, I realize in this moment "If I hadn't" should be what I choose to speak over those negative thoughts. If I hadn't gone the long way, I wouldn't have parked in the area I did and I would have drove past the spot that stilled me and took my breath away. If I hadn't taken today off of work to find rest for my soul in the great outdoors.. If I hadn't laced up my sneakers and left the house.. If I hadn't ... I could go back days and weeks to how this all lined up perfectly.

This is what I want to remember. God is lining my footsteps for amazing things even when I'm not expecting much. The "If I hadn'ts" of my life are going to be so much more important than the should haves and shouldn't haves....

"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old...I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." -Isaiah 43:18, 19

If I hadn't is so much easier to see in retrospect; once the pieces are put into place. But I want to believe it without seeing the pieces yet in place. I want this thought to be what helps me to live faithfully trusting in the Lord. Walking by faith and not by sight. If I can instill this thought to be the one I think, then when things seem uncertain I can be confident in the truth that I am right where God wants me. I no longer will have to worry about the past and can instead look ahead to the future. I can wonder how each step, whether right or wrong, has set me on the path that God is paving for me.

"She laughs without fear of the future." - Proverbs 31:25

I always admired this trait of the Proverbs 31 woman. Now I have the wisdom to be able to do the same. I love how God teaches us each individually. If I hadn't wrote this post I may not have made that additional connection! Wonderful.

XO,
S

Where I'm Going

"Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."

-Mark 6:31

So, I've dropped hints over the past few days that something big and exciting is going to happen.

I been quiet on sharing everything at once for two reasons. One, I'm afraid if I share then it will lose it's 'Wow, I can't believe I'm doing this' factor (and right now I just want to soak that all in). Two, because I wanted to make sure that this was right for me.

Sunday morning, after an exhausting night of sleep, I woke up more tired and run down than I had been in days. I think in some ways I had a false sense of "okay" that caught up with me. Because I'm not really okay, not right now, but I want so badly to be okay that I'm trying to fake it until I make it. That stuff doesn't fly with God, you know. He can spot a faker from light years away. So just as He knew I would do, I broke down and came crying back to the alter of His love begging, pleading, for a break.

In so many ways I still have this disbelief. It feels exactly like losing my parents again.. I have moments where I literally have to put my phone down and remind myself that I can't send that funny text, ask that random question, or share that Godly inspiration. It hurts. Down to the core of my being. Heartbreak is like the flu. It aches in places you didn't expect it to. It comes on quick and catches you at the worst time. It takes you out... Mind, body, soul... pure exhaustion.

So I'm here, trying to just be better. Trying to hold all the pieces together of what's left and desperately praying for mercy. No more, God. Please. Spinning and toiling away, putting on a happy face, posting the positive statuses, sharing my heart with all that I've got... and I love being and doing these things, but it's so very draining.

I can't tell you how pressed I was on Sunday afternoon. I had it in my mind that I was going to book a random hotel in NH and I was going to go this weekend, find a place to enjoy a hike and God's nature, and then to soak in His word all day. It's what I crave. I want this solace so bad. I spent an hour googling this trail and that, wondering how in the world I was going to scale rocky paths on my own. But I wasn't even that particularly concerned. I just wanted to go. Remove myself for a few days. I even tweeted about it:

"So tempted to get in my car and just drive. I just need a break from life for a while. This is just all too much for me."

"I need a place I can be still. No commitments, no one to have to talk to, no plans to fulfill. Just be alone. And quiet. Forget this world."

"I was so close to booking a hotel somewhere far away and just leaving. But then I remember how much of that money can go to #SSGives14."

"So with this in mind I'll quietly just keep on fighting this battle in my heart and praying one day a cease fire is called. #LordPlease"

The day carried on with it's usual frustrations that come once you wake up on the wrong side of life. This includes walking face first into the side of the door that I thought was open, banging up my nose and forehead and being 20 minutes late to a baby shower where I knew only the mama. (If you knew my anxiety in these situations... Oh, man!)

There were many tears.

But there were also many heartfelt conversations with God. I don't know what I said, really... but I know I needed to talk and He was all I had.

Fast forward to Monday as I am messaging my friend Kelly to find out how the Influence Conference was. She attended this year and it's such a big part of my hearts desire, to attend a Christian Women's Conference in 2015. I knew sales just opened up for next year so I wanted to get her take on it.

We chatted back and forth and she shared a few other conferences that sounded good as well. Then she told me I should check out the Return to Rest Retreat. She shared a few things about it that she thought would resonate with me. I immediately looked it up and fell in love. First of all, it's in driving distance so that's a huge bonus. I love road trips and good music. It also mentioned being made for us creative folk. But, really, anything that promises all the hot chocolate my heart desires is right up my alley.

So I looked into registration information. I realized several things that immediately put a damper on my excitement. It was in exactly 4 months. It's $600. Oh, yeah... and there's only one spot left.

Cue the sad song playing in the background of my heart. I shared my deflated feelings with Kelly and she encouraged me to trust God for this. She doesn't know this, but that is one thing I've wanted to develop with God. Trusting without reason. I've been asking Him to show me who He is, His power and His love for me. Her words struck a chord in me and I could just hear our friend, Annie Downs*, sitting there saying the same. I recently have been reading "Let's All Be Brave" and Annie tells these stories of God coming through that just make you want to be put in a position to see His power. I guess this was my chance, so I chose to be brave about it.

I called 'my mom' and asked her something that I never ever do. If I could borrow money. I gave her escape plans and wanted her to know that in no way did I expect her to say yes. Nor did I want her to feel pressured.

Meanwhile I prayed to God that if this spot wasn't for me, that He take it away. If it wasn't His will for me that the answer would be No. I know in my heart that tithing and bills are first and foremost. But I also have something special planned for the holidays and I didn't want this to jeopardize what I've already invested towards this either. (More on that another time). I spoke all this to God and begged Him to take it away if this was just a ridiculous spur of the moment pressing on my heart.

Photo Credit: Return to Rest

Long story short? She said she would do it. So I went online and checked and the registration spot was still there... I half expected that by the time I finished and clicked submit that it would pop up an apology that the last spot had sold while I fumbled away on Paypal. Once I had my confirmation I even went back to the website to see if it would let me buy another ticket, nope! Sold out!

Photo Credit: Return to Rest

So now I have this great adventure booked... and I'm so excited... Maybe I'm premature in sharing this because I still can't put it into words all the reasons why I am so hopeful for this opportunity. But here's a few reasons why...

It is a retreat for the weary. For those who are exhausted from life. Who want nothing more than to press into God and find rest in Him. There's worship, fellowship, and of course resting. Because they describe it so much better than I can, here's a partial description from the website:

"Return to Rest is a retreat for faith driven, creative entrepreneurs. Our goal is to create an intimate environment where we can create community, cultivate rest, and develop a deepening strength and understanding in our identity in Christ."

I kind of laughed at how it all came together. How this is exactly what I wanted. What I stopped myself from booking just the day before. Nervousness and doubt creeped in when I realized that they only have 8 attendees! Yup, eight! Big gulp!! So I frantically emailed them to make sure it was okay I was coming even though I don't own my own business. The response was so welcoming and I just knew in that moment, this is exactly what God wants me to do.

I also can't help but think of the urgency of this commitment. That God, knowing my heart, positioned me at the point where there was only one spot left. No time for thinking, no time for excuses why it's not for me. No worrying about breaking down on the highway 3 hours from home. No thoughts of how bizarre it is to go spend a weekend, with ladies I have never spoken to, to talk about God. No second guessing when I realized that it leans slightly with a focus on independent business women. No time for budgets and rationing all the reasons why this isn't the right time. God knows me so well!

I realize now, this is the right time, the perfect time even. I believe it.

I'm so excited to see how this helps shape my life in the future. I have no doubt that God will show me things I never expected. I have this expectant hope that He's going to come through for me. I'm always so interested to hear other people share their stories of 'how they do it' so I'm looking forward to gleaning lots of insight from the other ladies. I've also had some big dreams placed in my heart and I know if this is God's will for me then He will open doors and windows to get me to where I'm going. Did I mention how excited I am?!

I've always craved a winter getaway to the quiet snowy places of the world. With a hot drink and a good book nestled in my lap. Just a time to be quiet and still for a while. I never imagined that this dream would come true one day, especially in this way. Leave it to God to surprise me with this and have it be all for His glory.

So truly humbled.

XO,
S

*Disclaimer: Annie and I are fictional friends. However, if she held sign ups for new friends, I would be the first in line. :)

Widen Your Heart

I have felt drawn back to the blinking cursor on this white screen. Yet, I have wanted so badly to avoid posting. Partly because I'm not ready to talk. I have become so lost in what I believed that I'm not sure where that leaves me. After all is said and done what I was so certain of was so contrastingly wrong from the way things turned out.

I read a writers tip that said, "Write from a place of healing not hurt." And well, I just can't do that yet.

To say I'm healed would be saying you could wear a bikini in Alaska. To say I'm not hurt would be like saying the sun will now orbit the earth. It's just so far from the truth at this point, that it just isn't. It's almost absurd to even imagine. With this knowledge in my heart I've let my laptop sit closed for weeks. There are days I can't even open my bible. Not because I don't want too. But I open it and sit and stare and feel so alone. I feel so lost in a world that is so complex. I want to simplify things. I want to love God and have God love me and let that be enough.

But I am afraid to admit that I don't feel like it is. Because if I did would that stop me from staying up until 2 am sobbing uncontrollably? Wouldn't it mean that I was full of joy and not bitterness, anger, resentment? Yet, I've sat by as a prisoner in my own soul these past few weeks watching myself slowly break down into my old self. Surely, if God was enough, I would have remained in the new creation that He made me to be, but I haven't.

A few weeks ago, before I realized how light my grip was on my heart, I was waking up in the morning and spending time with God. I started with a devotional I was given and would look up the few verses of scripture that went with it. I often found myself completely engrossed and reading chapters instead of just sentences.

Every once in a while I will highlight a verse that catches me. I am probably only sure 50% of the time what it's actually saying, the other 50% I know it's important yet I can't nail it down to a point just at that moment.

One of the verses I read that struck me was from 2 Corinthians 6.

As servants of God we commend ourselves in every way .... as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything. We have spoken freely to you; Our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. In return (I speak to you as children) widen your hearts also.

I wrote it down that morning and kept hearing the phrase in my own heart... Widen your heart.
In fact, a portion of this verse even came up again this week in one of my emails.

I wasn't sure what God was saying - but it was one of those moments I wrote it down because I knew what Paul was preaching was what I was living somehow. I kept thinking... I have shared every last detail of my broken heart with anyone who dared to ask. I have held nothing back, not even with my readers on my blog here. So in my mind, my heart was already wide.

But tonight, something shifted and I get it. I am so sure of this that I felt drawn to open this little silver machine of life to type it all up while I sip my hot chocolate in this cool autumn air.

I went to dinner with a friend tonight. I have been so blessed to have her in my life and each and every time I spend with her I realize how much she is really beginning to mean to me. In a way that I know will echo for years to come if God allows it too. I met her in bible study last year and during a retreat at the church we realized just how emotionally similar we are. We exchanged numbers and emails at the end of the day and since then she's become such a wonderful friend.

Perhaps meeting with her tonight after holding back tears all day wasn't such a bad idea after all. I have wanted to cancel all week. I've isolated myself from most people and it's benefited me because the few I didn't isolate myself from ended up hurting me deeply this week. As I sat in the restaurant crying she came around and sat next to me, putting her arm around me and hugging me. And it was so nice to have that because I know that was God loving me through her. She listened and sympathized and it was just nice to have someone not try to remedy my situation but allow me just to be in this moment. She's one of a few people who have allowed me just to be.

After I dropped her off at her home I had this desire to stop at Dunkin and grab a hot chocolate. At 10:30 at night I knew it was unlikely to find a place that was open or willing to make one for me. But as I drove home I saw one that was 24 hours and I knew if I was going to get a hot chocolate anywhere tonight, this would be the place. I pulled up to the speaker and said a quiet quick prayer "Please, God, let them have hot chocolate." I know it's so silly but I had this fear that they would tell me their machine was broken or that they don't serve that drink after a certain time. I don't know, I'm kind of crazy... Or used to getting my hopes up only to be let down.

As soon as the woman spoke to take my order, God whispered to me.

"Hi, my name is Sharon, what can I get for you tonight?" The tone of her voice was kind. Willing to serve. Loving. I swear, I know this probably sounds crazy but I could just hear it.

"Hi, can I please have a medium hot chocolate?"

"Sure, did you want whipped cream on top?"

"No, thank you."

"Okay sweetie, did you need any cream or milk to go in that?"

"No, thank you."

Before I had even made it to the drive through window I knew I needed to bless this woman. I knew I had a $10 bill in my wallet that God wanted me to give to her. I also knew that many Dunkin's do not allow the staff to collect tips and instead the money goes to a worthy charity.

When I got to the window seconds later she gave me my total, $2.06. With the $3 in my hand, I asked her if they were allowed to receive tips. She said yes. I slipped out the ten dollar bill to go with my three singles and I told her what happened.

"I feel God wanted me to give you an extra big tip tonight."

As I handed her the money she lit up.

"Oh my goodness. Thank you so much!"

So I told her, "I don't know why, but God wanted me to give that to you."

She shared a few things with me that I know this touched a place in her heart and then I said to her, "God loves you. And I do too."

She was so thankful. So happy. In that moment, I was too.

When I opened up to share God's love with this woman, I felt His love too. I felt it pass through my hand as the woman reached out hers and I took it and we shared a brief moment of kindness.

Driving home I sang praise songs to God and thanked Him for His love.

This woman really touched my heart. I don't know what it was about her but she reminded me so much of my mom. Hardworking. Kind. Soft spoken. Working hard into the hours of the night just to make a living. To support herself and perhaps a family at home.

I thought back to all the nights my mom would come home so joyful with her face beaming as she shared a story of how a customer had done something nice for her. Either spoke something nice or gave her a tip that said they loved her for more than just her ability to pour them a drink. And you know what? I loved nothing more than seeing my mom happy. She spent so much of her life in sadness and whenever she smiled, I did too. Tonight I realized for the first time ever, what a blessing all those customers were to my mom. How they brightened her night. How they carried her home safely. Keeping her awake with joy on her 45 minute car ride down a rural main road. Just so she could come home and share the goodness with her daughters.

And I finally get it.

What it means to widen your heart. It's not only sharing my hurt and my most delicate spots. Not just about sharing my testimony in hopes to encourage someone else. This time it's about sharing my love. It's not about being wide open, but widening... Stretching my heart to extend God's love even when my own heart is breaking. It's giving the one thing I so badly want to have and keep for myself. Sharing the love that God gave me. Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing. Poor, but making many rich. Having nothing, but possessing everything.

And I've been doing this all along. Helping a neighbor carry her groceries up the stairs. Praying for the homeless man I once gave money to on the hottest day of the summer. I used to see him all the time and now I never do and I wonder if he was ordained by God simply to catch my attention. Today a sweet, shy, quiet spanish girl at work did something so helpful for me. I know that God used her to help me as I've been struggling with being in over my head with work. Her one gesture saved me an hour, possibly more, of work and I thanked her up and down and gave her a hug. I know she was surprised, I was too. But it was exactly what God wanted for me and for these others.


In these moments, each and every one of them, I have felt God's love. I feel I have been doing what I've been called to do, even in the day to day. I have learned it doesn't have to be grand gestures of love and piles of money or hours of time. It's the simple every day task of just loving one another that really means the most.

And this is what I want. I want to make more people happy. People like my mom who so desperately need that second look. The moment of kindness. The reminder that God loves them. 

Lord, I pray you continue to widen my heart. Widen my heart so that Your love can more easily flow in and around all the broken pieces of my heart as you make it whole. Widen my heart so there is more space for your light to shine brightly through. Widen my heart so that even though I've been more emotionally exhausted than ever before that I can do kind and wonderful things in the name of Jesus. Lord, let me be unrestricted in my affections for others. Those who are close to me and those I have never met. Lord, I pray you use me, even now, in this broken state, to reach others and draw them closer to you. In Jesus' name. Amen.


Love,
S

Unedited.

No words, my tears won't make any room for more

and it don't hurt like anything i've ever felt before.

This is no broken heart, no familiar scars,

this territory goes uncharted.

-Sara

This post won't be long. At least I don't want it to be.

I still have so many words and emotions that I don't even know how to begin organizing them.

My last post was one of those things that someone would write about loving life and appreciating the glory of it all or offhandedly thanking their family and friends for always being there and how it will never be forgotten, you know, the day before they die. Eerie. Prophetic. It was like that.

First, you should know that after careful deliberation that I changed the name 3 times before happily settling on "Moving Forward."

Two days later in church? Pastor started a new series titled "Moving Forward." He too, said that he changed the title several times before settling on that one. I'm pretty sure I sat through the remainder of the service with my jaw dropped to the floor. Talk about confirmation.

I posted online after a prayerful day, a day that seemed to surpass peace amidst an unsettled feeling, that even though nothing has changed everything has.

I didn't know. I couldn't have. But I did.

I slept with my Christmas lights on in my bedroom Sunday night, so I could feel His light. I never told you this because it happened before I gave birth to this blog, but during Christmas this was all I could do to survive. I have never been so heartbroken, so betrayed, so lost as I was at Christmas time. So I slept with these lights that I strung behind my bookshelf to remind me of God's light in the darkness. Even though they keep me up all night (I need complete darkness to sleep), I was up anyways so it didn't matter.

Monday night I slept with my bible in my bed. Not just in bed but next to me. I had this overwhelming sense that I needed to keep my hand on it. So all night I slept touching my bible. If I turned over I jumped up looking to see where it went. It was so strange.

Then Tuesday, my past that I didn't want to see steamroll me? Well, I succeeded, because I didn't see it coming. It came faster and harder than I could have ever imagined in my worst nightmare.

And things since then have been really hard. 

Why am I telling you this? I don't know.

I really believed God was going to answer my prayers. I really believed His plan looked different. For reasons beyond what I feel like sharing anymore. I've never been so sure of something so impossible and had it come crashing down all around me. 

So in a million ways I feel like a failure. I feel like I tried to show everyone the goodness of God and this is not at all what I was expecting. I feel like I've let down my friends and family. Boasting about a Love that let my dreams shatter. 

I let God down. I said some really mean hurtful things. I asked Jesus to take back my salvation and my first breath because honestly, I just don't feel deserving of them. Especially after my behavior. I took communion in church and cursed myself the whole time. I felt like an outsider. But I wanted so desperately to still feel connected and so I did what I thought would bring me closer to Him. When church was over I ran out as fast as I could. I felt like I might spontaneously combust from my lack of faith.

I know as Christians we are supposed to trust God and have faith. But I have to tell you, when this first happened I wanted to walk away. This past year of my life has been THE HARDEST year to date. I don't know what's happening. I truly don't understand. If there's one phrase I could caption that I've said the most since that wretched Tuesday, it would be that I don't understand.

I don't understand why I believed.

I don't understand how to hear God's voice after all.

I don't understand how this is happening to me.

I don't understand what I could have done differently.

I don't understand how I can mean so little after all these years.

I don't understand. I just don't.

And on and on.

So I'm writing only to say that I am truly sorry. I'm sorry I lead you down this rabbit hole without knowing where the end will come out. I thought I did. And because I wasn't expecting this, I crashed hard. I'm sorry you had to see my breakdown when I should have remained strong. I'm sorry that you've had to console me when I was truly inconsolable. Every God truth that was spoken to me was quickly combated with all the reasons why it no longer applied to me.

But.

I believe God has a plan. I believe He has chosen me to be a part of His Kingdom.
I do believe that He intends to make good out of my suffering. Not necessarily this specifically but everything in the past 31 years. 

But it doesn't take away the fact that I don't understand and can't seem to move past this.

A good Christian should be able to 'Let go and let God' and all these other things that say God is in control.

I get it. But I don't.

So I'm sorry that you've had to endure these past few weeks with me.

Friends (this includes all my amazing online peeps) and family, you have been so incredibly amazing.

Your prayers, words, thoughts, encouragement... I take none of it for granted.

Please, you have to know that.

I know I can feel Him consoling me here on the ground.

I am so thankful there is a life greater after this one, because nothing in this world makes sense to me.

Love,
S

Photo Credit: The World Roamer

Moving Forward

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 3:13-14

I saw the strangest thing on the highway the other night and I can't get it out of my head.

I was driving southbound and headed northbound was a man walking in the small breakdown lane. There's a guardrail with a tall fence on one side and speeding traffic a foot away on the other side of him. What makes it strange was he was walking backwards. Facing the traffic and walking backwards.

I didn't see a broken down car anywhere. The next exit wasn't that far from the direction he was travelling from. He simply was getting from Point A to Point B via the highway.

Why was he walking backwards? I can only imagine he was afraid he was going to get hit and wanted to keep a look out on the passing vehicles.

It's the second time this week Philippians 3:13-14 popped into my head.

During the worship at church this week, all of a sudden a realization washed over me. It was quick and fleeting but for a brief moment I held the ideals of this scripture in my heart. For a moment I finally understood. In a flash I saw what it finally meant to forget the things in the past and focus on what lies ahead.

It was an understanding of eternal glory. It was realizing that this life is hard. Really hard. But the next life isn't. I get to spend eternity in my Saviors home. So I need to focus on that. I need to remember that I am here to serve others and to leave the lasting impression He intends for me to leave. Whether that is with one person or many, I'm not sure. But this is what we are all called to do as believers and in this quick moment I saw how glorious that was. In this moment I sensed peace in knowing that this too shall pass.

I realize this might sound morbid or depressing to some. To focus on the next life. But I've had only brief moments of pure happiness in this life. It's all been fleeting and right now in the season that I'm in, I just need to know there's something better than this place. There's something better than fights with friends, wars between countries, little boys with cancer and plane crashes. I realize I can only press on through if I am looking ahead.

When I first saw the man walking on the highway I thought to myself, I don't blame him, I would have done the same thing. I'd rather see it coming. I'd rather brace myself for the impact and have a chance to pray at the last second for a way to jump out of the way of the inevitable.

I've been this man. I've been looking back, staring in the past, waiting for the moment that comes right at me and completely takes me out. I've been bracing myself for the ultimate blow. I've been waiting for the word, or lack thereof, that says it's over.

But the more I thought about it, the more I don't want to see it coming. If I was going to get hit by a Mack Truck on the highway, I'd rather not know. If I was going to die driving home from work tonight, I'd rather not know. I can't find out today how many years of my life are left. Because no matter if it's 1 or 50 both would leave me frantically looking at the calendar counting down the days. The minutes in between now and then would be compromised with fear. The fear would steal what's left of my time on this earth. That's not life.

So if my past is going to steamroll me, I don't want to see it coming. It's why pages and people were blocked online. Not because I'm looking for it, but because I'm so deathly afraid of what I'll see. I don't know where this fear came from. Perhaps it's because, like this man on the highway, I'm between a rock and a hard place. There's no where for me to go and I'm staring at my biggest fear head first, holding my breath and bracing for the final blow. 

But if you face God, if you face forward to the river with your enemy closing in behind you, and you trust, He will part the seas for you. He will give safe passage. If the Israelites were too busy staring at the enemy coming from behind to attack they would have missed that the Red Sea had been parted for them. They could escape. If they missed that, they miss the mercy of God, His saving grace. They would miss life and years of miracles to come. They would miss firsthand the power of their God.

I don't want to miss that.

So I press on. I don't want to count the calendar days between now and the unknown. Not for good things or bad. I don't want to lose sight of the moments that are here now. The places that God is opening up for me. The way in the desert. The streams in the wasteland. I don't want to miss what He's doing because I'm fearing for what might not come to be. Fear is Satan. I can't let him win. No way. No how.

And the Lord said to Moses, "Why do you cry to Me? Tell the children of Israel to go forward." - Exodus 14:15

Sometimes the only way to get from Point A to Point B is a narrow path. Sometimes it looks like we won't make it out alive. But just when we are ready to lose this life to the next one He parts the seas and shows us another way. Just as the Lord told Moses. Tell the children to go forward. Stop walking backwards at oncoming traffic and trust that He's going to protect us. Trust that He has another way that we cannot see. If we do that, we gain life. We gain God's mercy and His saving grace. We gain a lifetime of miracles.

Love,
S

Photo Credit: Journey of the Heart, I found this page searching for a photo, the poetry that went with this seems to coincide so perfectly with this post, so head over and check it out.